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Please critique headline, offline niche.

by Mynt
15 replies
Hello,

Crafting a headline to sit right above a video to soft sell offline business owners benefits of IM.

I've got the following--and would greatly appreciate any feedback:

----------------

If you're worried diminishing sales will make your business fail
and think spending MORE on advertising is the solution - you may not
be positioning yourself to survive this economy.

Learn these proven strategies guaranteed to secure the leads to be able to rest,
knowing your business will endure difficult years ahead.


-----------------

I'm not seeing this with fresh eyes, but two words I fear to come off as too 'hyped up' to business owners are "proven" and "guaranteed" Hmm.. curious to get feedback. Thanks so much!
#critique #headline #niche #offline
  • Profile picture of the author Shana_Adam
    Originally Posted by Mynt View Post

    Hello,

    Crafting a headline to sit right above a video to soft sell offline business owners benefits of IM.

    I've got the following--and would greatly appreciate any feedback:

    ----------------

    If you're worried diminishing sales will make your business fail
    and think spending MORE on advertising is the solution - you may not
    be positioning yourself to survive this economy.

    Learn these proven strategies guaranteed to secure the leads to be able to rest,
    knowing your business will endure difficult years ahead.


    -----------------

    I'm not seeing this with fresh eyes, but two words I fear to come off as too 'hyped up' to business owners are "proven" and "guaranteed" Hmm.. curious to get feedback. Thanks so much!
    The bolded bit to me does not make sense maybe the comma is in the wrong place?

    try this neat tool see what comes up
    Free Headline Generator
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  • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
    You're saying way too much.

    And the sentences don't seem to have any real connection to each other. What does being worried and thinking advertising will help have anything to do with positioning?

    KISS!

    What do you want them to do? Watch the video, right?

    So why not just say something like "free video reveals the #1 secret to getting more new customers". (Or whatever your BIG benefit is.)

    Then have an arrow and a call to action to click the play button. (Or just autoplay it.)
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  • Profile picture of the author Mynt
    Thank you for the replies,

    Kyle, great point. It got me thinking: moving that entire headline to the opening of the video (transcript)?
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  • Profile picture of the author Jon Steel
    yea - that long of a headline can lose people. KISS always...

    js
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  • Profile picture of the author Mynt
    Here's what I've revised to:

    "In Plain English You Can Finally Understand
    Internet Strategies to Grow Your Business"
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    • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
      Originally Posted by Mynt View Post

      Here's what I've revised to:

      "In Plain English You Can Finally Understand
      Internet Strategies to Grow Your Business"
      Hey Mynt,

      Undertanding something isn't a benefit to me. But growing my business is.

      You have just a few seconds to captivate your prospects attention. Use that time to your advantage.


      "Discover The Secret Stategies
      To Skyrocketing your business"

      I reveal the simple techniques
      that anyone can use to put more
      money in their pocket



      What that headline does is build a benefit and something else that's very important... create curiosity. Creating curiosity will want your prospect to keep reading.

      Hope that helps,

      Bill Jeffels
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  • Profile picture of the author Mynt
    Thanks alexa for your advice.

    Writing has always been my weakness (grammar/sentence structure) -- Back to revising...
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  • Profile picture of the author Mynt
    Thanks Bill! That helps a lot!

    Creating curiosity is something I did not think about whatsoever.
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  • Profile picture of the author avani
    I second Bill's suggestion here... and, FWIW, here's an alternative closer to what you started off with (in your very first version):


    Shaky sales - more advertising - and no recovery?
    Stay with us as we
    reveal simple remedies
    before loosing any more money!

    Okay, I admit that's a pretty barely-average first draft, but I do hope you can take it from here! I'm afraid this is just off the top of my head and I didn't really think it through, so I'm sure you can make it a lot better.


    Best,
    Avani
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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
      Banned
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author avani
        Originally Posted by alexa_s View Post

        before loosing any more money!


        You might substitute "losing" for "loosing" (one of the annoying ones that gets through the spellcheck!)

        Heh, absolutely - thanks for the heads up!
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  • Profile picture of the author msdobe
    It's too long and I don't understand the last part.
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    If you can read this.... thank a teacher.
    If you can read this in English... thank a vet!
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