Need some help with my sales letter

12 replies
I need some help with my sales letter new - Water Gas Videos I have had over 200 visits and no sales.

Am i doing something wrong ? Is my copy OK?
#letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Eric Engel
    First of all, I would at least try testing the video NOT being on auto play.

    Second of all, you do very little explaining in your copy and within the first few paragraphs, you're asking if people are STILL sceptical. If they weren't, they are now.

    I would try to find a few forums where people ask questions about Browns Gas and see what some of the less educated say about it. As a matter of fact, you might even want to entirely refocus your attention on someone who already knows a lot about it, but hasn't actually set one up...maybe in the letter say that "this is the most efficient way to set up a water / hydrogen gas system for your car!"

    Hope this helps.

    Erice:>
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidJohnson
    I would be curious to see what the average time spent on your site is, I'm willing to bet that most people don't get past the headline.

    Contrary to what most people think, the headlines job isn't to get people to read the copy, not really.

    Its sole purpose is to get people to read the first sentence, that's it. The first sentence the second and so on and so forth. I would recommend reading the headline and asking yourself, "does it make me want to continue reading?"

    Then read the second and ask yourself the same question.

    The headline is scary, I don't know anything about cars and I have to install this thing myself!

    How about something like:

    Water is Abundant, Stop Depending on Foreign Oil and learn

    "How to Massively Increase your Gas Mileage by learning How to Install a Water Fuel Cell so easily that a 3rd Grader could do it, Guaranteed."

    Works on any engine, including diesel!

    I want you to keep in mind that no matter what advice anybody gives you on here make sure to test it!

    P.S. There is a typo in the text just under the video.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ronwag
      Greetings Sarah;

      There is something cold and technical about the site. I think a little more passion is needed. Also I wondered where I would get the fuel cells? Would I make them myself? I am a technical person so the installation didn't put me off, but I think it would deter most average folks.

      I couldn't get the first video to work which would make me wonder how the videos I'm supposed to buy would work.

      How about offering a kit with everything a person would need to do this installation?

      You'd think the customer base for this would be huge due to the cost of fossil fuel, but the base is severely reduced by the do-it-yourself nature of the deal. Maybe you could offer an installation by a certified installer for considerably more money of course. Train people to do this that live in population centers around the world :-) Restrict your advertising at first only to areas where you have a trained installer and then broaden your scope as you train others.
      Well I for one am interested, but being technical puts me in the minority in my opinion.

      Make some of the changes others have suggested and test, then if your results aren't satisfactory, make some of the more radical changes I'm suggesting.

      Best wishes for your success,
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      • Profile picture of the author sarahstaar
        Thank so much for all your help. I have made some changes, taking into account what you all said.

        Water Gas Videos Run Your Car On Water - Water Gas Videos
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        • Profile picture of the author sarahstaar
          I am still having no luck, on sales at all. I am getting about 70 visits a day to the site.

          Should i be thinking about hiring a pro copywriter ?? if so how much would i typical pay ???
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          • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
            Here are a few thoughts from looking at your homepage:

            Your headline could be more compelling – the idea it presents is good; just needs re-working. Maybe something more like, How to Cut Your Gasoline Bills in Half – Starting TODAY.

            Then you go on to the video... I think this is a tad premature. Make your reader want to view the video first by teasing them somehow.

            And you have "Water Fuel Cell Technology" as a tiny little eyebrow – this really must be made clear almost from the get-go. Maybe a subhead like, Discover What Water Fuel cell Technology Can Do For You

            I do like the way you use visuals and keep the text to short paragraphs. Your graphics are also good – they don't take away from your message. And I truly love that you don't have your site set up so that whoever lands on it instantly hears a "voice from above" or – worse! - finds themselves watching and listening to something they really weren't prepared for.

            Hope this helps.

            Dot
            Signature

            "Sell the Magic of A Dream"
            www.DP-Copywriting-Service.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Eric Johnson
    Stop Paying Hi Gas Prices
    Halve your Fuel bill Today



    In your headline there is a spelling mistake. You have to at least get small things like that right. I mean the headline sucks anyway but I'm honestly not going to waste time giving headline advice when your not even getting basic stuff right.

    You gotta spend more time on this and try harder.

    Oh and BTW...who halves anything? Use words that people normally use in sales copy.
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    • Profile picture of the author Darrel Hawes
      Originally Posted by Eric Johnson View Post

      Stop Paying Hi Gas Prices
      Halve your Fuel bill Today


      You gotta spend more time on this and try harder.

      Oh and BTW...who halves anything? Use words that people normally use in sales copy.
      That's good advice.

      Your headline should be believable. To me personally, without some qualification, cutting my fuel bill in half is just not believable.

      Consider providing some hint in the headline to counter the reaction "no way!". Some hint of credible proof.
      Signature
      Darrel Hawes - Blog
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  • Profile picture of the author InsuranceWrangler
    Give the videos away for free in order to eventually sell them the converter kits.
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  • Profile picture of the author Norma Holt
    Sarah, your site is unprofessional. Colours are wrong, font is wrong, spacing is wrong, text needs work - more oomph and excitement. You are trying to sell something and the videos won't do it for you. Make a pitch, highlight the main points and focus your product rather than the videos.

    These are just a few pointers at a glance. Hope it helps
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  • Profile picture of the author Norma Holt
    I suggest you look at some websites of the warriors toget some ideas and also look for teaches, such as Louis Allport.
    This might help you pick up on good design
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