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Sales page tear down... let me know

by mrinternational
7 replies
Under construction.

Thanks for such a quick reply guys.

I will make the appropriate changes.

Albert
#page #sales #tear
  • Profile picture of the author mrinternational
    BTW the person mentioned in the sales letter is his real name, not sure if I should change that, since we are still friends and talk to each other.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Thanks for calling me out Albert.

      Here are some thoughts...

      1 I'm not seeing a clear identification who this is for.

      Is this for more the Dan Kennedy type follower...
      I dunno.

      If you are going after the offline business owner,
      the BIG majority of them aren't after growth,
      just maintain their level of revenue and profitability.
      Probably would like more profit, though think it comes
      from more customers which of course it needn't.

      A theme for them is to confirm what they already believe
      ad costs up, response down.

      Find the stats to verify their thoughts.

      Come up with other research to show that their is one clear winner of all options
      they have, which you just so happen to have.

      That's how you create a set up for a zero resistance close
      that to the reader, is an obvious thing to buy.

      2 Rather than have us give our "expert" opinion,
      test short ad themes either on Twitter or Adwords
      so that buyers vote.

      Hardly anybody tests themes.

      That's where the real BIG breakthroughs come.

      A friend client recently did this and the winner was
      10x better than the runner up.

      Here's a list of themes and examples
      to jump-start your brain...

      http://www.warriorforum.com/offline-...vertising.html

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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      • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
        Just going down the page.

        1. The eyebrow copy is to small and won't be readable on many peoples computers or by older folks.

        2. Your headline doesn't speak to any one group. It doesn't imply a benefit nor hit a pain point that you say you'll solve.

        Other than you being a rogue why do I want your newsletter? What's in it for me?
        Truthfully I'd have hot the back button from the headline.

        3. When I read your letter I can't figure out who I am.
        That's a requirement IMHO. If I read a letter I should be able to figure out who I am by being able to understand who you're talking to.

        4. IMHO this sentence makes you sound like a loser who never finishes what you start: My name is Albert Servin, I am a business and marketing consultant, I am also a psychologist or should I say I went to school to become one.

        Instead: My name is Albert Servin, I am a business and marketing consultant who uses his psychology degree to really get inside the heads of and understand my (or 'our' if that's a selling point) customers heads.

        5. What Do I Suggest? - wait, your the expert, why would I want you to suggest anything? I'm waiting for you to tell me what to (or you) do.

        6. # 1 TOP secret way to attract more clients to your place of business ( A Laser targeted way to pull them in. A Technique so simple and effective it’s often overlooked).

        NOPE! wouldn't grab me at all.

        If you're saying place of business then maybe something like.

        The #1 Way To Drive Solution Hungry, Wallet In Hand Clients Through Your Doors Who Cant Wait To Throw Money At you To Solve Their Problems Fast!

        7. Your bonuses don't tell me what they are really. Why do I care, what's in it for me?

        8. Saying until you decide to cancel is a no, no IMHO. I would restructure that into cancel any time.

        9. Instead of less than .50 cents per day say, less than .34 cents a day. To me it sounds even more like chump change.

        10. I don't trust a guarantee I can't read. To small. Fine print makes me think you're hiding something.

        11. You taking a selfie in what looks like an apartment bedroom in a low end (sorry just saying it like it is) white shirt does not inspire confidence that you make any money.

        In one of my niches I use a photo of me in my 06 H1 Alpha Hummer. Because people know if you have a $185K truck you likely make money. I'm just in a black polo T shirt out 4 wheeling but they know I'm legit.
        I'm not saying that you have to go to that extreme. But the image you use makes me think you're broke.

        I hope all of my comments were taken correctly as they are only for your benefit. I don't have time for anything else.

        The main thing is, your not speaking to me, you have not defined who I am. Who is your letter speaking to?

        Thank you, Patrick
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Unfortunately and strategically, this offer will never fly. It doesn't matter how good the copy is.

    Generic make-money marketing advice IS DEAD.

    To succeed, you must niche yourself, your product and your market.

    It doesn't matter if you can help "anybody," the amount of advice which is not aimed laser-like to your targeted audience works against you today. It's superfluous. It's irrelevant.


    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author mrinternational
    Thank you Ewen
    Thank you Patrick

    Both of you were on point and both of you were brutally honest.

    I will make the proper adjustments guys.

    Albert
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    • Profile picture of the author mrinternational
      Yes, I will change it to my target market. Thank you.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by mrinternational View Post

      Thank you Ewen
      Forgot to mention about, in my example, of the biz owner
      who wants to only maintain revenue and profit...

      also tie in the rising costs of advertising and drop in response rates
      means he has to take action just to maintain, otherwise he will fall back.

      I found this piece of juicy information to verify
      what most business owners think...

      "A recent study conducted by TIME magazine shows that advertising rates have at minimum doubled, tripled and even more than quadrupled in cost in the last 5 years, while response rates have plummeted to an average of just 1/10th of what they were just 5 short years ago."

      To illustrate this...

      "If you once paid $2000 for advertising and got 100 phone calls, each call (lead) cost you $20, now however that same advertisement could cost you $4000 (or more) and attract only 10 calls, each call could cost you a whopping $400."

      And a quote from an advertiser...

      "Two short years ago I was paying .10 cents per click on google.com, today that same click costs just over $1.50 - 15 times what I paid 2 years ago."

      This all ties in with a pre-existing hurt.

      Now you have validated it for him.

      That sets you up for the next step, research which shows where he can get the best bang for his advertising dollar...just to stop the rapidly loss of roi for what he is doing now.

      Then of course the information in the newsletter is what the research shows gives the best roi over all other options.

      See how this is a logical set up to be the logical choice to buy,
      even if they never thought about this option?

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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