Rookie would really appreciate critique

6 replies
OK, I am not entirely new to the world of writing.But so far its mainly been marketing & listing copy.This is one of my first forays into site copy. I read the checklist like 3 times. I sent it through the Mother test. But I would really like to know what the pros think. So please if somebody could help critique these pages, I would really appreciate it There are 3 pages in total; Seeds (About Us), NOC (
placeholder for company name)? ( the what we do page) ; Mission/vision statement :

The seeds for NOC were first planted in the year (2014?) after my wife earned her Bachelors degree & decided to pursue her Masters in the field of medicine. But which university should she select? Which school would be the best school for her chosen studies? Sadly,we quickly discovered that there was nowhere to go for easy answers to these questions.
After spending hours on time consuming research & endless phone calls to the schools she was interested in,we then had to take that information & convert it into a worksheet for comparison. Even so,she had a difficult time determining answers to even the simplest of questions such as ;
What is the minimum GPA accepted ?
The minimum course requirements needed to apply?
What tests will be administered during the application process?
Whether the desired Practical Training programs are available?
After witnessing my wife's difficulties & frustration at this extremely stressful process, the idea of NOC was born. I became determined to create a place where Students across the world could easily locate this knowledge in a socially driven atmosphere of shared ideas & experiences.
A community of Students helping Students discover all the options that are available to them & ultimately aid their peers to spread their branches & extend their educational roots .These few very simple beliefs are the core values & concepts behind the dream of NOC
So we invite all Students from all over the globe to join in our dream & to grow with us!
-------
. Our Mission is to create a global community where current University & College students can connect & share their ideas,thoughts,& experiences about their schools with novice prospective scholars. We pledge this commitment to help all students achieve their educational dreams & desires by providing a multitude of informational resources in a single searchable database so they are empowered to form more knowledgeable decisions about their choices of academic facilities.We undertake this endeavor in the steadfast belief that all graduates of the world have the right to have uncomplicated access to the materials & support needed to realize their educational goals.
Vision -To unify All Students with All Schools in the common goal of helping one another spread their branches & extend their educational roots.
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What is a NOC & how will it help you find the right school?
Well simply put,NOC is a symbol, But more that that, NOC is an ideal, a visual icon of the future. Your future. When you graduate from high school,you proudly wear a hard earned black cap signifying the end of that chapter in your adventure. But your educational journey is not quite over yet because now you are ready & eager to continue on the path to a higher education. You have a new black cap to look forward to but this honor is not quite ready to be plucked thus your cap is still green waiting for the harvest.. Much like you are also not quite ready to graduate yet & need time to ripen a little more.
So how will NOC help you achieve this? How are we different from other School review sites? Well, most importantly,we have gathered together the information that we (as former university students ourselves) know you actually need & organized it. Then we devised a search engine that allows you to search these resources by several specific & unique criteria like;
Availability of CPT/OPT curriculum
Whether a GRE or TOEFL is required
What is the minimum GPA required?
We have also introduced an interactive & social environment. Because who better to give you the uncensored details on a college or university than the actual students of that school themselves? So we asked & they answered! And since they did, we are able to bring you;
Detailed reviews of the application process from current & former Students
Detailed reviews of the School's overall performance
Intergrated social media features such as Twiiter, FB, & Google+ to help you get & stay even more connected
An relaxed informal atmosphere where Opinions & Knowledge can be freely shared
So what are you still waiting for? Start searching now & find the best School for your next chapter! Or if you are already attending a School come share your experiences & help a fellow Student extend their educational roots.
And to All a warm welcome to the NOC community!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
K that's it I know it's a bit much but if anyone would be kind enough to give me some feedback, it would really help. Thank you so much for your time Regards, Lily
#critique #rookie
  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    The site is about ____________ (what?)
    WHO is it for? _______________

    HOW will they find out you exist?

    Why would they want (or need) to join?

    Can you answer these 4 questions in a short four paragraphs?

    Help me to help you, OK?

    gjabiz






    Originally Posted by LilyOBX View Post

    OK, I am not entirely new to the world of writing.But so far its mainly been marketing & listing copy.This is one of my first forays into site copy. I read the checklist like 3 times. I sent it through the Mother test. But I would really like to know what the pros think. So please if somebody could help critique these pages, I would really appreciate it There are 3 pages in total; Seeds (About Us), NOC (
    placeholder for company name)? ( the what we do page) ; Mission/vision statement :

    The seeds for NOC were first planted in the year (2014?) after my wife earned her Bachelors degree & decided to pursue her Masters in the field of medicine. But which university should she select? Which school would be the best school for her chosen studies? Sadly,we quickly discovered that there was nowhere to go for easy answers to these questions.
    After spending hours on time consuming research & endless phone calls to the schools she was interested in,we then had to take that information & convert it into a worksheet for comparison. Even so,she had a difficult time determining answers to even the simplest of questions such as ;
    What is the minimum GPA accepted ?
    The minimum course requirements needed to apply?
    What tests will be administered during the application process?
    Whether the desired Practical Training programs are available?
    After witnessing my wife's difficulties & frustration at this extremely stressful process, the idea of NOC was born. I became determined to create a place where Students across the world could easily locate this knowledge in a socially driven atmosphere of shared ideas & experiences.
    A community of Students helping Students discover all the options that are available to them & ultimately aid their peers to spread their branches & extend their educational roots .These few very simple beliefs are the core values & concepts behind the dream of NOC
    So we invite all Students from all over the globe to join in our dream & to grow with us!
    -------
    . Our Mission is to create a global community where current University & College students can connect & share their ideas,thoughts,& experiences about their schools with novice prospective scholars. We pledge this commitment to help all students achieve their educational dreams & desires by providing a multitude of informational resources in a single searchable database so they are empowered to form more knowledgeable decisions about their choices of academic facilities.We undertake this endeavor in the steadfast belief that all graduates of the world have the right to have uncomplicated access to the materials & support needed to realize their educational goals.
    Vision -To unify All Students with All Schools in the common goal of helping one another spread their branches & extend their educational roots.
    ----------
    What is a NOC & how will it help you find the right school?
    Well simply put,NOC is a symbol, But more that that, NOC is an ideal, a visual icon of the future. Your future. When you graduate from high school,you proudly wear a hard earned black cap signifying the end of that chapter in your adventure. But your educational journey is not quite over yet because now you are ready & eager to continue on the path to a higher education. You have a new black cap to look forward to but this honor is not quite ready to be plucked thus your cap is still green waiting for the harvest.. Much like you are also not quite ready to graduate yet & need time to ripen a little more.
    So how will NOC help you achieve this? How are we different from other School review sites? Well, most importantly,we have gathered together the information that we (as former university students ourselves) know you actually need & organized it. Then we devised a search engine that allows you to search these resources by several specific & unique criteria like;
    Availability of CPT/OPT curriculum
    Whether a GRE or TOEFL is required
    What is the minimum GPA required?
    We have also introduced an interactive & social environment. Because who better to give you the uncensored details on a college or university than the actual students of that school themselves? So we asked & they answered! And since they did, we are able to bring you;
    Detailed reviews of the application process from current & former Students
    Detailed reviews of the School's overall performance
    Intergrated social media features such as Twiiter, FB, & Google+ to help you get & stay even more connected
    An relaxed informal atmosphere where Opinions & Knowledge can be freely shared
    So what are you still waiting for? Start searching now & find the best School for your next chapter! Or if you are already attending a School come share your experiences & help a fellow Student extend their educational roots.
    And to All a warm welcome to the NOC community!
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    K that's it I know it's a bit much but if anyone would be kind enough to give me some feedback, it would really help. Thank you so much for your time Regards, Lily
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Wow I'm not even going to slog through that giant block of text.

    Can you make it a little more easy to read please? Break up the text, do something.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Wow I'm not even going to slog through that giant block of text.

      Can you make it a little more easy to read please? Break up the text, do something.

      I totally agree! If you want anyone to read that post you need to make it a lot
      easier to do. Break up those long paragraphs and help us to help you.

      -Ray Edwards
      Signature
      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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      • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
        Hi there,

        It looks like you haven't written what would belong on a home page - a "you"-oriented invitation to participate that describes clearly what your customers or members will experience and how they will benefit from your website. There is way too much "me-me-me" in this copy.

        In addition, I do not find it believable that the information you claim to be providing exclusively is not easily available on hundreds of websites. Even when I was applying to graduate school 40 years ago, prior to the Internet, it was very easy to find the information I needed about various programs. And rather than rely on my speculations about this, I did a quick search just now.

        Here are websites that came up in a 30-second search:
        Graduate School Rankings |Graduate Programs | Schools
        Graduate School | Masters PhD Degrees - GradSchools.com
        Best Graduate Schools | Top Graduate Programs | US News Education - US News
        https://www.petersons.com/graduate-s...-programs.aspx

        If your website is significantly different from the above, you need to explain really clearly what you are offering that no one else has and why that is beneficial. Saves time? Saves money? Gives you better matching for your career goals?

        Good luck,
        Marcia Yudkin
        Signature
        Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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        • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
          Originally Posted by marciayudkin View Post

          Even when I was applying to graduate school 40 years ago, prior to the Internet, it was very easy to find the information I needed about various programs.
          Yep. Over 1000 years of Universities in Europe and no one has this problem. Or a very miniscule amount of people at best do.

          Dan
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    Originally Posted by LilyOBX View Post

    -------
    . Our Mission is to create a global community where current University & College students can connect & share their ideas,thoughts,& experiences about their schools with novice prospective scholars. We pledge this commitment to help all students achieve their educational dreams & desires by providing a multitude of informational resources in a single searchable database so they are empowered to form more knowledgeable decisions about their choices of academic facilities.We undertake this endeavor in the steadfast belief that all graduates of the world have the right to have uncomplicated access to the materials & support needed to realize their educational goals.
    Vision -To unify All Students with All Schools in the common goal of helping one another spread their branches & extend their educational roots.
    I didn't get much past the mission statement above. "Novice prospective scholars"? "More knowledgeable decisions about their choices"? "Spread their branches"?

    Gotta take off your writer's cap. You're trying too hard.

    Plain language is almost always best. What you've written here actually obscures what you're trying to say... That's not just bad copywriting, that's bad writing. Sorry to sound harsh.

    (p.s. -- use "and" instead of the ampersands...)
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