Getting great responses, can I do better ?

by Dan Williams

Posted: 15 years ago 11 replies

COPY WRITING

I've run this ad several times already as an insert, full page and have gotten very good ROI. I would appreciate any thoughts any of you could share that you think might improve the piece even more. I'm not looking for anything major just a tweak that you think would pull better.

#great #responses

Aronya 15 years ago

"Discover what your friends an neighbors are really saving"?

""Dan saved us over $1000 year"........" Too many quotation marks. Only the outer set should be used, in this case. I would fix as "1,000 a year..." (just adding the 'a') Too many dots (use 3).

Your use of quotation marks on the title lines of the testimonials is inconsistent. You start with too many, then work backwards to none. My suggestion; quote only the text of the testimonials. Not the title lines, and not the names.

Looks like different font sizes on those title lines, too.

I'd try to have all of the testimonials follow the same format:
Title Line (each word capitalized, but not all caps)
"Testimonial"
Name & location on separate line, either to the left or the right, but all the same.

I'd fix any typos, even if they were written that way by the customer:
Dan and the girsl do a fantastic job

HTH,
Tim
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Chris Ramsey 15 years ago

Glad to see a physical piece in these forums. That's rare.

Good job on getting good conversions already.

I think by fixing just the spelling and grammar errors, you're going to have a much higher ROI.
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BoDSN 15 years ago

Your subtilte: "Discover What Your Friends and Neighbors Are Really Saving About the
Williams Agency's Outrageous Claims of Saving McKean County Drivers
up to 37% on their Auto Insurance.."

Shouldn't it be "saying"? I had to read that line 3 times before I got it
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RentItNow 15 years ago

I would put a small quote form at the bottom with a dotted border letting them give you more info about themselves or driving record. Let them give you their info via email or fax or whatever. I think this would greatly increase conversion.

The largest offline ad response I had was a shortened rental application. You would be surprised what people will give you for information. I had so many leads I pulled in a second agent just to take some.

They may not actually complete the form but they are then less afraid what you are going to ask once they call.
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- Dan Williams 15 years ago
  
  Thanks for the helpful words, I'm ashamed to say I hadn't proofed for typos after I had finished the piece. If I can improve the ROI It will be my most successful piece yet.
  
  Thanks
  
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  http://www.williams-agency.net
  
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Daniel Scott 15 years ago

Well, for a start, the headline deck is terrible. That needs some serious tightening. I think if you re-did that and got your strongest point across it would work a lot better.

Your letter starts off (in the headline) bashing another company, then you have a lot of testimonials... maybe a headline based around your strongest testimonial would work better? Whatever you do, I think it needs more congruency.

Also, I think you need to add a scarcity factor so you can get a stronger call to action... selling a cure to a problem (like "everyday you don't switch to us you're flushing your money down the drain") is easier than selling prevention.

-Dan
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colmodwyer 15 years ago

Ahh, this is the Dan Kennedy EXPOSED model.

I think your deck is wordy - read it out loud - and doesn't make too much sense. I don't know if you're trying to stuff in too many specifics or what, but I had read it like four times to understand it.

I'd also maybe put in a little paragraph before the testimonials explaining what this is.

It would be interesting to test without the picture, with car picture and any other sensible alternatives that you can think of.

Colm
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- Mr. Subtle 15 years ago
  
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  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
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  BrianMcLeod 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle
  
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  OUTSTANDING, Subtle!
  
  You are so damned talented it makes my brain hurt.
  
  Best,
  
  Brian
  
  Thanks
  
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  Brian McLeod
  
  Direct Response Copywriting
  
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  Collette 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod
  
  OUTSTANDING, Subtle!
  
  You are so damned talented it makes my brain hurt.
  
  Best,
  
  Brian
  
  What he said.
  
  Re revised headline: Sometimes the best way to say something is to just... say it.
  
  Thanks
  
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  Scott Murdaugh 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod
  
  OUTSTANDING, Subtle!
  
  You are so damned talented it makes my brain hurt.
  
  Best,
  
  Brian
  
  I third that.
  
  Man, I need to get up to speed with Photoshop. VERY nice.
  
  -Scott
  
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