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My first-ever 2 copys. Critique needed. Doesn't catch attention.

by CopyKen
22 replies
Struggling to help people with my product which is going to be built around survey data...

Can't seem to spark interest of people with this kind of copy, what do you think? Give me the real deal.

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Hi. I'm Ken from WeSnapshot - Instagram Marketing Agency in Estonia.

Pay attention. I know... Your time is valuable, but it'll be worth it...

I bet you haven't heard of us. That's right, it's because of our location. Where is Estonia? Well it's not the point of this story. Let's move on.

I believe we have something you want. Something that helps you achieve your goals as a marketer.

Information is the key they say. Knowledge is power.

You know that the usual free content just doesn't cut it if you want to be the best. Something is left unsaid. Golden nuggets are held secret.

We are conducting a mass-scale survey to determine the pain points of Instagram marketers. Tell us your biggest challenges and you will RECEIVE A GIFT worth your time.

Get familiar with our story (SPOILER: It's like a series of Rocky, you can see, feel and hear the pain we went through) and why we are doing this: Wesnapshot.com - Free Instagram Marketing Ebook

Thank you all for your input!

PS! Our process includes a method to uncover the big pain points that people are the most interested in solving, and that's what we want to build our e-course around.

---------------------------------------------------------

And on the homepage:

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We are a team of artistic photographers, elegant copywriters, marketing magicians, and philanthropists who transform creative ideas into living, breathing and working solutions.

BUT... It wasn't always like this...

For years we were treated as garbage. We were the first marketing agency in the world to specialize on Instagram. Nobody wanted our service, even though we knew that we could help businesses increase their sales and build healthier relationships with their customers. But... we were ahead of the market. We were the so-called trendsetters. You don't want to be one. It's tough. Trust us. Local businesses didn't even know what Instagram was! It would be a lie if we told you that we didn't have the thoughts of shutting our company down for good...

...fortunately, we were dumb or smart enough to push through.

Fast-forward a few years and we have arrived at the doorstep of Instagram marketing age. As our client base started to grow, we constantly tweaked and improved our workflow. Now, we are the most in-demand Instagram marketing agency in the Baltic States. With constant iterative optimization, we have built an Instagram marketing system to fit the needs of any business in any niche.

We want to share our knowledge with you and create an e-course that will give you the hands-on access to our powerful system.

For that, we need your help! Please fill in our 3-minute survey, so we can make sure that we have covered the main pain points of our soon-to-be students.

...the trick is to know your students so you can teach them more efficiently.

Help us help you.
WeSnapshot Team

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Thanks in advance !
#attention #catch #copys #critique #firstever #needed
  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    Here's the reality: it's a mess.

    Spend some time reading through this post and improving your copy then it may be worth asking for a critique http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html
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  • Profile picture of the author dmaster555
    In my experience such long explanation is not even necessary to get someone to do a survey.

    Promote the free gift a little more and the benefit they'll get and ask them to do the survey within X amount of time.

    A lot of that copy is fluff doesn't really help to persuade either way.
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    • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
      I agree that this is a mess and you need a completely different, customer-oriented approach. What problem do you solve? And how do you do it better than others. That is what belongs on the home page.

      And as for this...

      For years we were treated as garbage. We were the first marketing agency in the world to specialize on Instagram. Nobody wanted our service, even though we knew that we could help businesses increase their sales and build healthier relationships with their customers. But... we were ahead of the market. We were the so-called trendsetters. You don't want to be one. It's tough. Trust us. Local businesses didn't even know what Instagram was! It would be a lie if we told you that we didn't have the thoughts of shutting our company down for good...

      ...fortunately, we were dumb or smart enough to push through.
      This is NOT the tone you want to take to customers. Simply say "We were the first marketing agency in the world to specialize on Instagram" - and explain why that is beneficial to your clients.

      Don't portray yourselves as victims or as pitiful in any way if you want to earn respect. No one wants to deal with bitter service providers who have a chip on their shoulder. In addition, trying to market Instagram to businesses that don't know what it is is not being ahead of the trend, it is dumb.

      If you can't tell your story in a way that readers will be on your side, don't tell it at all!

      Marcia Yudkin
      Signature
      Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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      • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
        Originally Posted by marciayudkin View Post

        I agree that this is a mess and you need a completely different, customer-oriented approach. What problem do you solve? And how do you do it better than others. That is what belongs on the home page.

        And as for this...

        This is NOT the tone you want to take to customers. Simply say "We were the first marketing agency in the world to specialize on Instagram" - and explain why that is beneficial to your clients.

        Don't portray yourselves as victims or as pitiful in any way if you want to earn respect. No one wants to deal with bitter service providers who have a chip on their shoulder. In addition, trying to market Instagram to businesses that don't know what it is is not being ahead of the trend, it is dumb.

        If you can't tell your story in a way that readers will be on your side, don't tell it at all!

        Marcia Yudkin
        Interesting suggestion. In my mind I thought I was portraying a picture of "not giving up and succeeding", which would require the reader to feel the pain and see that we've come a long way, thus giving us some credibility. But now as you put it that way... it just seems silly.
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    • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
      Originally Posted by dmaster555 View Post

      In my experience such long explanation is not even necessary to get someone to do a survey.

      Promote the free gift a little more and the benefit they'll get and ask them to do the survey within X amount of time.

      A lot of that copy is fluff doesn't really help to persuade either way.
      Seems like a case of overthinking. Thanks for your input .
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    See? Helpful advice already. Sharing your copy publicly not only gives you access to the opinions of several experts, but also helps newbies learn from your mistakes and the solutions you find as a result of the criticism.

    That said, I think you have way too many words in there that do nothing. Too much fluff. If you're telling me let's not focus on this detail and move on, why is this sentence even in your copy?

    Every word needs to earn its place, needs to either build a connection with the customer or advance your story.

    Cut this in half. Seriously. Be brutal.

    Then reread what Marcia said about being customer oriented and solving problems and see if what you have left fits her suggestions. Edit accordingly.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
      I'm glad I shared this publicly .

      What do you think about Marcias commentary about being a victim, could this resognate with business owners in a positive manner? I think it should somehow... Actually it sets the context for further story development "rising from the ashes" type of story.

      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      See? Helpful advice already. Sharing your copy publicly not only gives you access to the opinions of several experts, but also helps newbies learn from your mistakes and the solutions you find as a result of the criticism.

      That said, I think you have way too many words in there that do nothing. Too much fluff. If you're telling me let's not focus on this detail and move on, why is this sentence even in your copy?

      Every word needs to earn its place, needs to either build a connection with the customer or advance your story.

      Cut this in half. Seriously. Be brutal.

      Then reread what Marcia said about being customer oriented and solving problems and see if what you have left fits her suggestions. Edit accordingly.
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    The next 3 minutes could change your life:

    https://youtu.be/HxUuDPNbkJk

    See, your copy is the girl in the video, and your customer is singer Toby Keith.

    Instead of talking about you (the seller), talk about ME (the customer).

    If you get it, you're on your way.

    gjabiz
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    • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
      Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

      The next 3 minutes could change your life:

      https://youtu.be/HxUuDPNbkJk

      See, your copy is the girl in the video, and your customer is singer Toby Keith.

      Instead of talking about you (the seller), talk about ME (the customer).

      If you get it, you're on your way.

      gjabiz
      Love the humor, gjabiz. It's funny that before writing I knew all the theory, that you must talk about the customer.. and after writing... it's nowhere to be seen.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    The victim position is a weak one. It often plays on sympathy instead of building a genuine relationship.

    Frankly, it comes across as whiny and attention seeking.

    There is no rising from the ashes story here. You're not rebuilding in the face of catastrophe. You're talking about how no one believed in you. Harsh truth: people don't care that no one believed in what you're doing.

    And calling attention to that may backfire - it may make them wonder why others didn't believe. You don't seriously want to introduce that thought do you?
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
      Great points, Angie!

      I will rewrite those stories tomorrow and let's see what happens
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    There is a difference between "we kept going in the face of adversity" and "everybody was dumb because they didn't see our brilliance."

    There are different ways to tell the story of your product and brand. Here is a good over view from Vin Montello (link is a PDF that opens in browser).

    Seven Story Secrets by Vin Montello
    http://www.montellomarketing.com/sec...crets-2008.pdf

    For an even simpler approach, review the 60-second Sales Hook from Kevin Rogers.


    The link on that video's page is incorrect. The correct link is here (link goes to squeeze page but I have no connection or affiliate):

    http://60secondsaleshook.com/
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Ken, you don't need to survey people.

      In fact it's best not to.

      By doing a Google search for
      Instagram sucks and Reddit Instagram sucks
      you'll have saved yourself heaps of time,
      plus those comments are unfiltered.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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      • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Ken, you don't need to survey people.

        In fact it's best not to.

        By doing a Google search for
        Instagram sucks and Reddit Instagram sucks
        you'll have saved yourself heaps of time,
        plus those comments are unfiltered.

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
        The point of the survey was to find business owners / social media marketers and target their main pain points, so I could have a better imagination of my target customer (ideal prospect and how to talk to him/her) in the copy that is going to be sent to them through e-mail sequence.
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by CopyKen View Post

          The point of the survey was to find business owners / social media marketers and target their main pain points, so I could have a better imagination of my target customer (ideal prospect and how to talk to him/her) in the copy that is going to be sent to them through e-mail sequence.
          And have you Googled what I suggested?

          Best,
          Doctor E. Vile
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          • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
            Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

            And have you Googled what I suggested?

            Best,
            Doctor E. Vile
            Yup, I get your point Ewenmack!

            But with survey, you can put the respondents into 3-4 major customer segments, thus creating e-mail lists and autoresponders that directly talk to them.

            With google/reddit research you can't get people's e-mail addresses. It's important to link the info with the person that I can later target on my conditions.
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            • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
              @Copy Ken:

              Are you using the "Ask" forumula as developed by Survey Funnel Software ?



              Originally Posted by CopyKen View Post

              Yup, I get your point Ewenmack!

              But with survey, you can put the respondents into 3-4 major customer segments, thus creating e-mail lists and autoresponders that directly talk to them.

              With google/reddit research you can't get people's e-mail addresses. It's important to link the info with the person that I can later target on my conditions.
              Signature

              The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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              • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
                Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

                @Copy Ken:

                Are you using the "Ask" forumula as developed by Survey Funnel Software ?
                Yes, copyassassin . Right now I haven't got much success with it, because people haven't answered my survey yet, although I've distributed my content to 8 FB Groups, 4 forums and to 30 social media agencies. Well go figure, you always have to start with copywriting before the distribution.
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    • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
      Originally Posted by joe golfer View Post

      There is a difference between "we kept going in the face of adversity" and "everybody was dumb because they didn't see our brilliance."

      There are different ways to tell the story of your product and brand. Here is a good over view from Vin Montello (link is a PDF that opens in browser).

      Seven Story Secrets by Vin Montello
      http://www.montellomarketing.com/sec...crets-2008.pdf

      For an even simpler approach, review the 60-second Sales Hook from Kevin Rogers.

      60-Second Sales Hook Instructions - YouTube

      The link on that video's page is incorrect. The correct link is here (link goes to squeeze page but I have no connection or affiliate):

      http://60secondsaleshook.com/
      By the way, the homepage sales copy was done after Kevin Rogers sales copy. But when I finished my sales hook, I immediately felt that something is off and it was definately not 60 seconds.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Hint: don't argue with Ewen. He typically comes in here, drops a value bomb, and walks away casually as it explodes, like some sort of copywriting action movie star.

    Those that follow his advice tend to profit from it.

    Get out of your own way, because your beliefs (and your stubbornness in sticking to them even when they're not working) are the real problem right now.
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Hint: don't argue with Ewen. He typically comes in here, drops a value bomb, and walks away casually as it explodes, like some sort of copywriting action movie star.

      Those that follow his advice tend to profit from it.

      Get out of your own way, because your beliefs (and your stubbornness in sticking to them even when they're not working) are the real problem right now.
      Thanks Angie!

      You see straight thru me...lol.

      Yep, I tend to see things differently than most
      and when I state the insight I walk away to see if
      anybody latches on to it...is ready for it or refuse it.

      No point in wasting energy.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author CopyKen
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Hint: don't argue with Ewen. He typically comes in here, drops a value bomb, and walks away casually as it explodes, like some sort of copywriting action movie star.

      Those that follow his advice tend to profit from it.

      Get out of your own way, because your beliefs (and your stubbornness in sticking to them even when they're not working) are the real problem right now.
      I see where ewenmack is coming from. I definitely gave the wrong reason at first (discovering main pain points and putting the audience in segments) and yes it's much easier and time-efficient to do my own research. The above mentioned "Ask" system is just something I wanted to test out myself. And the only thing that the survey offers me right now is the e-mail list, but it may not even be that important in this case...

      It's good to see these "reminder" nuggets
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