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Does this headline make sense in english?

by Max Anderson
8 replies
Hey guys,

It's 3 am in good old Germany... and a new year has just started.

I have been working all night long writing email swipes, however I'm currently not at the top of my english game so please help me out.

Here is a first draft for a headline:

"Instantly Discover How To Flip The Hidden Switch To Losing 10 Pounds In 10 Days!"

Does it make sense?Is the English correct form a native speakers point of view?

Improvement ideas (can't go into detail when and where it will be used at this point in time)?

Help is much appreciated since the native speaking team members are currently sitting on this rock called England and therefore not available.

Happy new year
Max


#english #headline #make #sense
  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    It's not incorrect and could be written by someone with EFL (corrected that) - but it is awkwardly long in my opinion.

    "Flip this Switch to Lose 10 Pounds in 10 Days"

    "Lose 10 Pounds in 10 Days With This Hidden Switch"

    Of course, if that's your promise better be able to show some sort of "switch".... Not a big fan of the "switch" idea but I don't write diet sales copy, either, so....
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  • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
    It would make more sense if you wrote:

    Lose 10 lbs in 10 days by Flipping This "Hidden Switch".

    That being said, it's not an insanely good headline. I'd elaborate on the switch a bit more and/or make it more credible.

    The hidden switch in what/where? Is it located in my bedroom somewhere? I'm confused.
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    I figure the hidden switch is insidea ya, operatin' for ya, if you allow it to work, so my twist on Enfusias's metabolism angle is:

    Tap your body's natural weight loss secret, one whole pound per day.
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    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

      I figure the hidden switch is insidea ya, operatin' for ya, if you allow it to work, so my twist on Enfusias's metabolism angle is:

      Tap your body's natural weight loss secret, one whole pound per day.
      I'm still not entirely convinced that it's a metabolic switch... but maybe.
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      • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
        Originally Posted by Cam Connor View Post

        I'm still not entirely convinced that it's a metabolic switch... but maybe.
        Yeah, the metabolic switch is more of a Hulk thing I guess, an' that's a hard sell -- especially to gals desperate for dates.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I like the "turn" or "tap" the secret/natural switch lines.

    But in case the audience thinks that weight loss can't be so easy - of course they want it to be - but don't always believe it is - I would add something like ...

    "Beware if you accidentally click the wrong switch the pounds could pile on"

    So, they need to find out what the "bad" switch is and are startled and then thrilled to discover that there really IS a good switch and voila the sales start rolling in.


    Steve


    P.S. This only works if you categorically prove these "switches" do exist.
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  • Profile picture of the author kayme
    It's too long.

    How about

    Lose 10 Pounds In 10days
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