[FEEDBACK REQUEST] Personality Development -> Time Management Niche / Online Course Sales Page

by vaidab
5 replies
I'd love your feedback on my sales letter and also a mark from 1 to 5 on how good it is (5 - you wouldn't change a thing).
Target: 30-49, wanting to stay focused, disciplined and keep projects on track
Traffic source: own list
Offer: online course for $97
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing
#> #development #feedback #management #niche #online #page #personality #request #sales #time #time management
  • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
    Hey man,

    I've taken a look at the first 2 pages or so and gave you some feedback.

    You've got two big problems...

    1. Your headline doesn't grab attention at all. It should be more direct for an audience that knows you.

    2. You're writing to people who don't have enough hours in the day - so you can't afford to write things like "you can have 25 hours in a day" without proof/credibility.

    Feel free to PM me if you want me to expand on any of my feedback.

    Chris
    Signature

    Wealthcopywriter.com :)

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  • Profile picture of the author Kieran D
    Originally Posted by vaidab View Post

    I'd love your feedback on my sales letter and also a mark from 1 to 5 on how good it is (5 - you wouldn't change a thing).
    Target: 30-49, wanting to stay focused, disciplined and keep projects on track
    Traffic source: own list
    Offer: online course for $97
    Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing
    Hello,

    YOUR TITLE STINKS:
    - Sorry I'm not having a go at you but I agree with Chris on this one.
    - The Title needs to be more compelling to draw in buyers!
    - The Title should identify the problem and really reach out and grab readers on the other side of the page.

    BENEFITS NOT CLEAR ENOUGH:
    - I find your benefits to be very vague.
    - You really need to spell out to readers what the actual benefit is.
    - For example: Create an Extra Hour by.... Double your Productivity by...
    - I'm not saying to give all your secrets away (never good idea) but lay it out nice and clear for your potential buyers.

    MY TWO MAIN CRITICISMS:
    - I did not bother going through your copy as well because you need to get your title and benefits right to begin with.
    - Of course your copy will flow on from this and give them the solution (without telling them everything).

    Kieran
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  • Profile picture of the author vaidab
    Thank you all.
    I updated the copy based on your critique, could you please take a look?

    Link with updated copy: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...f58dU-V28/edit
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  • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
    Uhm, it feels a paint by numbers copy.

    #1 - I haven’t woken up this morning thinking about how I can eliminate “I don’t have time” from my vocabulary. I’ve started with the thought of “I have too many things to do and to little time, I’d better get started”. If you’re going to promote benefits in the headline, at least promote benefits that are appealing to me, the end customer.

    I want to get more done, to procrastinate less, to take shorter pauses. Here’s a simple and efficient headline:

    “How To Finish Everything On Your To-Do List For Today By 16:00 PM”.

    #2 - Drop the adjectives (sub-head). Also, that’s a +15 words sentence. Simply tell me what’s in it for me. Don’t try to be cute. Don’t try to be interest. Try to be direct.

    “Apply these four strategies and you’ll get more done today than other people get done in a week. Strategy #3 is especially useful if you like to procrastinate”.

    #3 - (opening paragraph) … bla, bla bla, it sounds like a corporate speech. Striving to achieve productivity? Who talks like that? Not even the more formal companies like Covey talk like this. Plus, this letter is not about “us”, it is about “me”.

    Here’s a simple example (will stop here with rewriting since I don’t want to rewrite your sales copy).

    “If you are more productive, you can get more done in your life.

    And when you get things done, you can earn more money or improve the quality of your life.

    I’m sure you’ve tried a few methods already though. From to-do list to using a calendar to some fancy mobile app. However, none seem to actually work for you. It is so strange that you actually become less productive when you use them, instead of getting more things done.

    I know this. I’ve been there. And what I also know is that time management is a lie. You can’t manage time. But you can manage yourself. It is not your fault that all those systems failed. It’s how you are build. Now, before I explain you what is this about ... “

    #4 - (introducing yourself) Drop the mission statement. I don’t care about what you do for others, I care about what you can do for me. Also, reason why. If you say that you are the most proeminent (really, drop the fancy words, it is a sales letter, not a white paper) resource in EE, then prove it. If you make a big claim, then back it up. Period.

    #5 - (story). Decent but again, you’re talking about you. Talk about me and my problems. Talk about how my life sucks and it could be so much better. Talk to me about that exam that is coming or that deadline. Tell me how if I get it done I will be a hero and if I don’t, I’ll get fired.

    Develop more on the psychology behind focus. You’re introducing the concept way too fast and it leaves me scratching my head.

    I’ll stop here. The same ideas apply in other parts too. It feels very “me” oriented, like you are in love with your product and with your brand, but not with your audience.

    Best regards,
    Razvan
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    • Profile picture of the author vaidab
      Thank you so much for the feedback.
      Going back to writing ..
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