Wannabe Neophyte Copywriter Seeks Critique
Here it is, (and please try to be gentle in beating the tar outta me):
Dear Mr. Jones,
This is Gene A------ in Knoxville, Tennessee (I go by Geno), and I'm writing to make you an offer. Picture Vito Corleone in The Godfather saying, in his low-key, raspy voice, "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. Kapish?"
My offer revolves around a simple premise; I want to be a copywriter for you and your company.
Now, why would you consider my proposal? This is a reasonable question. Let me start, briefly, with my education, background and experience.
I have none, zero, zilch, nada.
I did say "briefly", right?
So, this begs the question, "Why would I, Conrad Jones, entertain your ridiculous offer?" and "Why should I even continue reading this letter?"
Okay, that was two questions, but I will strive to answer them to your complete satisfaction. Bear with me.
First I'll give you the reasons to continue reading my letter and consider the offer; then I'll get to the actual offer you won't be able, in my humble opinion, to refuse.
Reason 1 - I'm a CREATIVE SOB, humble and self-effacing too, and I can write.
Reason 2 - I can be extremely persuasive, as I suspect you're beginning to realize.
Reason 3 - I'm fierce and tenacious, like a hungry Pit Bull. You can't beat or discourage a hungry Pit Bull now, can you? You ever looked into the eyes of a hungry Pit Bull? Hopefully not, but you get the picture; case closed!
Reason 4 - I can tune in to human nature... peoples' hopes, fears, desires and hidden, secret motivations. I'm a living barometer of human nature. I can even sense that you, in fact, are warming up to me now, as you read.
Reason 5 - I'm originally from Brooklyn, New York, and I not only survived, but thrived. Need I say more?
Reason 6 - Lastly, but certainly not least, I don't even know the meaning of "NO!" That word is not in my dictionary or my vocabulary, although I used it here just to make a point.
NOW, for the offer you can't refuse:
Simply give me a shot, either with a real, defunct or "make-believe" project, and see what I can do. As long as it is not tech oriented (I am not a techie kinda guy)... as long as it's something I can examine and see what it's about and what goodies it offers... I'll tear into it like that hungry Pit Bull, and crank out creative, compelling, call-to-action copy. Can you see the dollars rolling in?
If I can do this for you, and you're happy, you've got yourself a grateful, hard-working, loyal, neophyte copywriter. If I can't, you simply say, "Don't call me, I'll call you," or, "Let's have lunch sometime," or, "The pink slip's in the mail," and I'll slink away, never to be seen or heard from again.
You cannot beat this offer.
If I'm good, you gain and you get to bring happiness and fulfillment to a fellow human being. The humanitarian in you surely wants to leap at this opportunity.
If I'm lousy, which frankly is an unimaginable scenario, you can enjoy the simple pleasure of giving an arrogant loser the ole heave-ho.
This is truly a win-win proposition.
There are no promises or commitments to make, no money down or easy payment plans.
If you like me... you keep me... and gladly dig into your bank account eventually. If you conclude I'm bogus or a no-talent, Wannabe pretender, you simply show me the door and tell me "Sayonara, pal. Maybe you can get on with Walmart."
There you go. Those are the reasons and the offer. There's no way you can lose! You won't even have to give me a credit-card number. No money-back guarantee coz you don't pay unless we play. Totally risk free!
I'm ready to roll when you are!
Best Regards,
Geno
Andrew Gould
Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.
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