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OK Trash My Copy

by andrew zirkin
7 replies
Hello Warriors,

I have done a rewrite for the copy on a project I am partnered on. I appreciate any feedback on the copy or thoughts. IE glaring stuff that's missing. Stuff that is redundant or just that the formula is off.

I'm cool to send a review copy of the product and also answer any questions you need. It's in the Kindle space and the product shows how our friend made $4700 in a month on Kindle.

There is no design or formatting as we really need is copy feedback and to make improvements first.

It's a very good product and the launch is soon as usual. I got the 1st draft last week and it needed a lot of work. Yet every time I get feedback from copywriters it makes sense but they rip it up. So go for it. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

The page is found at:

Sales page crit

Warmest Wishes

Andrew
#copy #copy crit #copy review #sales copy help #trash
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    1) Difficult to read as it's currently formatted. Difficult even to scan (which is what your reader is almost always doing, unless they find it absolutely fascinating from start to finish). A great trick I learned from here is to have your subheads tell a super short and sweet version of the story so scanners get the same basic info as detail readers.

    2) What's different here? From what I read, you don't have much that stands out from the other people promising Kindle riches. If you've got it, you buried it somewhere and I don't have the patience to dig.

    3) You need a lot less tell and a lot more SHOW. Proof. Believability. Stories, even.
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    • Profile picture of the author Benjamin Farthing
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      1) Difficult to read as it's currently formatted. Difficult even to scan (which is what your reader is almost always doing, unless they find it absolutely fascinating from start to finish). A great trick I learned from here is to have your subheads tell a super short and sweet version of the story so scanners get the same basic info as detail readers.

      2) What's different here? From what I read, you don't have much that stands out from the other people promising Kindle riches. If you've got it, you buried it somewhere and I don't have the patience to dig.

      3) You need a lot less tell and a lot more SHOW. Proof. Believability. Stories, even.
      I think all this is dead on.

      You've got to cater to the people skimming - there's just no way around it.

      Your biggest issue is that it's generic. There's a million people promising riches on Kindle. This approach would work if you were the first one in the space, since it's specific, desirable promises.

      But if you're going to sell this now, you need to stand out more. One way could be to offer a bigger hint in the headline & lead at HOW they'll make that much money. What will they be doing? What tools will they use? What secrets do you have that set you apart from everyone else?

      The super-generic way of doing this is to say "3 steps" or "5-minute technique" or "30 minutes per day."

      I don't know your product, but assuming it's not just rehashing what's already out there, there should be something unique about it. Dig deep into what makes it unique, frame that in a catchy way that entices me to want to know more, and make it a major part of your lead.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by andrew zirkin View Post


    It's a very good product and the launch is soon as usual. I got the 1st draft last week and it needed a lot of work. Yet every time I get feedback from copywriters it makes sense but they rip it up. So go for it. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
    It's 3,000+ words! Way too long for any working copywriter to critique in its entirety for free.

    The headline needs work... reads awkwardly and needs to be pithier.

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author EmailCopyKing
    1) Needs some formatting.

    2) Separate the Subheads from content.

    3) Use Different Color for Headline, Subheads.

    4) Use Bullets, especially where you say "I know what you're thinking" and the points that follow it.

    5) In headline change the '100%' to 'Pure'. Instead of saying "100% on passive income" say "Purely on passive income" or any word that is synonym to pure.

    Btw, I got confused when I read the numbers of dollars you stated and 100%. Chances are other readers will too.

    6) A little short story in Lead will go a long way. Insert a Origin Story that relates emotional trouble you were going through without the system. And how it affected your every aspect of your social and personal life.

    7) Break down long blocks of text into multiple small paragraphs.

    8) Some missing full stops in Lead.

    9) In the P.S don't state how your system is different, they've heard it thousand times. Instead state all the emotional pain points they will face if they don't have your system.

    And one main point, don't focus on your product. It's a big no-no. Focus on the pain points.

    Don't sell them Dream brother, Sell them Reality.
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    • Profile picture of the author andrew zirkin
      Awesome feedback so far. It's so hard to see it yourself when too close to it.

      I'm gonna do a major revision tomorrow based on what's here. Do I make a new thread or put it in this one?
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  • Profile picture of the author benschop86
    Also, when you re-write it and re-post it, ask folks to give you very specific feedback on round 2.

    Ask people to do a "CUB" on it.

    They should point out anything 1) Confusing 2) Unbelievable or 3) Boring

    This will help you eliminate a lot of "fluff" that may be in there too!
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  • Profile picture of the author andrew zirkin
    Hello Awesome Copywriters,

    Thank You for the last feedbackI have made the revisions and have version 2 below, if you can check it that would be incredible.

    Can you do a "CUB" on it. benschop86 suggested this on the last revision.

    They should point out anything 1) Confusing 2) Unbelievable or 3) Boring

    Kindle Lifestyle Formula – sales page sample for critique
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    Kindle Success w/o writing Kindle Wealth Formula
    Social Search Mastery Social Wealth Formula
    and Top SEO BrandSEO
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