Help! Feedback for Newbie Copywriter

Hi all,
I'm starting out on a brand new journey of becoming a copywriter. I've been a small business owner in the past and have done all the copywriting for myself and have always had great feedback. With a baby on the way I'm now looking to move into copywriting more seriously to allow a more flexible working schedule.

I've started working with a few clients for free. Most of them are friends. This is so that I can practice because, of course, writing your own copy is hugely different to writing copy for someone else.

Sorry for the longish background intro...

I'm currently working on a "profile summary / about page" for a lady who is opening a Zumba fitness studio in her garden and I would hugely appreciate some constructive feedback because I'm really struggling.

She did not like Version 1. She wanted it focused more on the studio space than herself, but she also wanted it to be more conversational and more reflective of her own personality, which is VERY bubbly and a bit eccentric. She felt that her personal story was not really in that piece of copy.

So I've just written the first draft of Version 2. It's too long I think. I also find it a bit too fluffy, but she's quite fluffy in her personality and my Version 1 was too neutral for her. So perhaps this is more in line.

I feel very insecure about this piece. What do you think? I'd appreciate any comments and feedback. I guess the biggest challenge here is to find that tone of voice that represents the client authentically without compromising the copy to become so wishy-washy and fluffy that it just buries itself.

So without further ado. Here are Version 1 and 2.

Version 1
I'm Emma, founder and chief Zumba instructor at Zest4Life Studio in Seattle. I'm inviting you to join me for movement and dance in my friendly and intimate private studio.

Zumba is so much more than just fitness and weightloss. For me, it's all about stimulating our physical and mental energies and re-balancing our hectic work and life schedules by moving, sweating and laughing together. It's about tackling everyday stress and tiredness. And if we tone up and shed a few pounds along the way that's great, too.

In my bright and airy studio I aim to provide a welcoming atmosphere for participants of all ages, backgrounds and fitness levels.

Never done Zumba before? Don't worry! Come and try this burst of energetic movement and music. Refresh your spirits, make new friends and increase your fitness today.

Get in touch with me to chat and find out more. I'm looking forward to meeting you.

Version 2
Zest4Life Studio is a new movement and Zumba fitness studio founded by me, Emma, in Seattle. My studio is a warm and friendly space where I invite people to join me for what I call a Zesty Hour!

Let me tell you more.

I created my studio to be a special place where we can come together to share movement and dance. It's located in the back of my secure, private garden far away from distraction. It's a place of energy and enthusiasm. Here we can each unlock our personal potential and surprise ourselves.

Zumba fitness is a great way to move our bodies with simple, but effective steps and routines. There's a reason it's so often called "exercise in disguise"! Especially when combined with other fitness, dance and even yoga elements, it allows us to fill the air with physical creativity and imagination - all driven by infectious rhythms and music.

I will inspire you to move and sweat, to feel your body and find your hidden spark. I'm a true believer that "energy calls energy". By this I mean that our effort and exercises will awaken our zest and boost our spirits. I will guide you from discovering the joy of movement to nurturing a new-found vitality. You will cherish being in the moment, breathing and sweating with a smile. Join me in this journey and reap the rewards of a Zesty Hour.

Let me welcome you in my bright, yet intimate garden studio.

Don't worry if you've never done Zumba before. It's just one great way of approaching life with zest. Don't worry if it's been a long time since you've exercised your body and lungs. Zest4Life Studio is a space I created especially for sharing the adventure of refilling, refueling and energizing in an inclusive atmosphere, free of judgment.

Let's claim back our vivacity and let it flow out from the studio into our everyday lives.

Give me a call on XXXXX or drop me an email if you'd like to find out more. I'm looking forward to meeting you.