My first attempt at connecting with my customers, Is it too much?

8 replies
Hi, I have just joined so please let me know if I have put this in the correct area.

I wrote a book for people that have just broken up, and have very little experience with women to get back into the dating game. I put a lot of work into making sure it does help them and I have seen it work so I know it a good product.

I have just started starting to write the copy (and I am new to copy in general) and Identified my customer avaatar a as guy that just got out of a relationship, has little experience with women and is hurt, confused and anxious about where his future lies, and how to go about getting back into dating.

Using AIDA I have been told that I need to tell my story identifying their problems. So I started by using many people direct quotes to tell my story.This is what I started with and want to know if any of you have been in that situation and identify but also if it is too much?

Attention:

"I THINK WE'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS", Find out why she left you and how you can get her back or find someone better in 30 days.

Interest:

5 years ago while I was at university. I was working all the time and my girlfriend was always complaining I was too busy. We would fight a lot but we truly loved each other. In the 4 years we were together my love for her grew more and more every day. I was actually going to ask her to be my fiancé.

One day out of nowhere, the day before we were meant to go on holidays she tells me that our relationship was over and that she was going on holidays alone. What's worse, she knew for over two months that this was going to happen. She had only booked tickets for one. I was so hurt that she could just walk away from what we had. It took me by complete surprise

I wished she had told me sooner that her feelings were changing so we could have talked about it. In the weeks leading up to it she seemed so happy, she was telling me "I love you" every day, I can't even count the number of times we were saying this to each other.
I was devastated! How could she suddenly lose all her feelings for me I would have done anything for her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to talk to her or just see her again but I knew she wouldn't answer me.

She said to me that she "Still loved me but wasn't, IN love with me" and that we were better off as friends. She was my best friend and the person I spent most of my time with. I didn't understand how she could she say that she was still in love with me yet not want to be with me.

It hurt me so bad, I mean how do you even try to move on from that? When you feel like your whole world is crumbling?

Then when I finally did get in touch with her, she says she has been hanging out with a guy and they have kissed. I immediately loose it and ask a million questions, and the answers only hurt me more. How could she move on so fast like it was nothing.
I was angry but I also still loved her and wanted her back. I felt like I needed to see someone myself to make her feel the pain she was putting me through and make her to see what she was missing out on.

Only problem is didn't have much experience with women, I hooked with her almost by accident. I had the occasional luck during school but I was basically clueless. I couldn't see myself going up and approaching women without someone showing me what do. I mean what would I say and what if she got offended and angry or told me **** off, I couldn't handle that kind of rejection. I tried internet dating but I couldn't even get a girl to text me back.

I decided I wasn't going to live like this anymore, I was going to do whatever it took to work out this part of my life and I was going to get her back.


Thanks for your help
#aida #attempt #connect with customers #connecting #copywriting #customers
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    1) You'll probably get more consistent advice in the other forum. Literally anyone in the world with a screenname on WF can offer advice on this and you have no way of knowing if they have the faintest clue.

    2) I caution you against being a perpetual "what do YOU think" guy. You're going to get a lot of opinions and frankly not all of them matter. Information overload can lead to analysis paralysis.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author Nicholas Muir
      @angiecolee Hahaha, I had no option, you don't respond on the other forum . Thanks for the info will keep that in mind.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kay King
        He seems to be asking about his sales copy...why wouldn't that be in the 'copywriting' section?
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        • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
          Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

          He seems to be asking about his sales copy...why wouldn't that be in the 'copywriting' section?
          It's also posted in a non WF copy forum. I wasn't telling him not to post here. Simply cautioning against getting caught in the perpetual feedback loop.

          There was plenty of great advice given in the other thread - I'd much prefer to discuss how you intend to find people in the market and see what THEY think, what THEY want.

          P.S. - I'm only an expert in the dating market if you consider avoiding pickup artists a field of expertise. There's a reason I didn't continue to contribute - there were others who knew more about this market. Simple as that.
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Originally Posted by Nicholas Muir View Post

    Hi, I have just joined so please let me know if I have put this in the correct area.

    I wrote a book for people that have just broken up, and have very little experience with women to get back into the dating game. I put a lot of work into making sure it does help them and I have seen it work so I know it a good product.

    I have just started starting to write the copy (and I am new to copy in general) and Identified my customer avaatar a as guy that just got out of a relationship, has little experience with women and is hurt, confused and anxious about where his future lies, and how to go about getting back into dating.

    Using AIDA I have been told that I need to tell my story identifying their problems. So I started by using many people direct quotes to tell my story.This is what I started with and want to know if any of you have been in that situation and identify but also if it is too much?

    Attention:

    "I THINK WE'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS", Find out why she left you and how you can get her back or find someone better in 30 days.

    Interest:

    5 years ago while I was at university. I was working all the time and my girlfriend was always complaining I was too busy. We would fight a lot but we truly loved each other. In the 4 years we were together my love for her grew more and more every day. I was actually going to ask her to be my fiancé.

    One day out of nowhere, the day before we were meant to go on holidays she tells me that our relationship was over and that she was going on holidays alone. What's worse, she knew for over two months that this was going to happen. She had only booked tickets for one. I was so hurt that she could just walk away from what we had. It took me by complete surprise

    I wished she had told me sooner that her feelings were changing so we could have talked about it. In the weeks leading up to it she seemed so happy, she was telling me "I love you" every day, I can't even count the number of times we were saying this to each other.
    I was devastated! How could she suddenly lose all her feelings for me I would have done anything for her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to talk to her or just see her again but I knew she wouldn't answer me.

    She said to me that she "Still loved me but wasn't, IN love with me" and that we were better off as friends. She was my best friend and the person I spent most of my time with. I didn't understand how she could she say that she was still in love with me yet not want to be with me.

    It hurt me so bad, I mean how do you even try to move on from that? When you feel like your whole world is crumbling?

    Then when I finally did get in touch with her, she says she has been hanging out with a guy and they have kissed. I immediately loose it and ask a million questions, and the answers only hurt me more. How could she move on so fast like it was nothing.
    I was angry but I also still loved her and wanted her back. I felt like I needed to see someone myself to make her feel the pain she was putting me through and make her to see what she was missing out on.

    Only problem is didn't have much experience with women, I hooked with her almost by accident. I had the occasional luck during school but I was basically clueless. I couldn't see myself going up and approaching women without someone showing me what do. I mean what would I say and what if she got offended and angry or told me **** off, I couldn't handle that kind of rejection. I tried internet dating but I couldn't even get a girl to text me back.

    I decided I wasn't going to live like this anymore, I was going to do whatever it took to work out this part of my life and I was going to get her back.


    Thanks for your help
    You have something to work with, your personal story. But, part of me is confused too, is this one of those get your "obsession" back or is it move on to something even better?

    The reason I ask is because...

    it will make all the difference in the world how you build out your story and what you put in to it.

    It appears to be one of those how to get your girl back. IF it is, you might want to introduce that up high, even in headline or sub head. The key there is the desperation and abandonment issues. Where as new love, is fresh exciting and something to look forward to.

    But, overall, not a bad start.

    gjabiz
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    • Profile picture of the author Nicholas Muir
      HeyGjabiz, Awesome thank you for the feedback.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      I agree about the confusion - what is it your book is about?

      Stories are good for sales copy - but succinct stories with some punch to them. You've written about 500 words of "ME"....condense it down to 10 lines of "me".

      Going to be blunt - reads a bit like a high school confessional. Not saying that's wrong but what age group are you targeting with the book?

      she has been hanging out with a guy and they have kissed
      WAY TMI.

      Outline what the story is - what are the IMPORTANT points. What do you want that copy to accomplish?

      lost her - want her back?
      lost her - moving on?
      I'm fine - buy my book and you'll be fine, too?
      Signature
      Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
      ***
      Please do not 'release balloons' for celebrations. The balloons and trailing ribbons entangle birds and kill wildlife and livestock that think the balloons are food.
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      • Profile picture of the author Nicholas Muir
        King Kay, great summary, gives me quite a few ides, Thanks.
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