Please Critique My Copy

by Jonathan 2.0 Banned
15 replies
Greetings,

Several months ago I wrote the following Copy for the
Men's Dating Market. However, I made the mistake
of completing it before I knew the Author was
interested. (And so I didn't earn anything monetarily.)

Even so, I enjoyed putting it together and would be
interested in your advice/feedback.

Here's the link.

Without Embarrassment

Thanks,
Jonathan
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    It's got a lot of good parts, but

    You take too long to get to what's in it for me (I know you want to use yourself as proof it works) but first you have to get me interested in reading.

    You have some mistakes/typos.

    I'd look at this as guide: Official Double Your Dating | David DeAngelo's Double Your Dating

    If you look at that page, you'll see that first and foremost it's about all the good things I'll get... and they're good, and he's to the point.

    Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

    Greetings,

    Several months ago I wrote the following Copy for the
    Men's Dating Market. However, I made the mistake
    of completing it before I knew the Author was
    interested. (And so I didn't earn anything monetarily.)

    Even so, I enjoyed putting it together and would be
    interested in your advice/feedback.

    Here's the link.

    Without Embarrassment

    Thanks,
    Jonathan
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      Banned
      Thanks DABK.

      I've been a fan of Eben Pagan/David DeAngelo from the early DoubleYourDating days.

      He's (in my opinion) one of the most influential Marketers on the Planet. : ) I appreciate the feedback. Maybe I could get to the "point" sooner.

      Cheers,
      Jonathan
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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      • Profile picture of the author Sven300
        I agree with what DABK said.

        I'll add this: Personally I think your text is too long. I was tired of reading before the "call to action".
        Signature
        I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. Thomas Jefferson
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        • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
          Banned
          Thanks Sven300.

          I don't think Copy can be too long, just not engaging enough. Just out of curiosity, are you part of the Market at all?
          (Obviously, the Copy wasn't intended to appeal to everyone.)

          Cheers,
          Jonathan
          Signature
          "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author George Sepich
    Too many "I's."

    How I Conquered
    I'm living proof
    that's what I thought
    I was repulsive
    I couldn't even
    I was deadly afraid
    I had a need for affection
    I was so hypersensitive

    and more.

    It's not about you, it's about them.
    Signature

    Need Help? GeorgeSepich.com Digital Marketing Solutions From George Sepich.

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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Hey Jonathan just a couple things...didn't read the whole thing only because it's not my interest and also I get bored with long sales letters...

    that said...

    I didn't like the headline. I didn't ask the question how he overcame all that so I didn't care. Also, it says nothing about what he overcame it for...i.e., for dating. Just didn't think the headline drew me in, and if I was looking for dating advice I could very well skip over this not knowing it told me what I wanted.

    You also say, "You're about to learn..." People don't really want to learn but they'll get excited about discovering something.

    I think your bullet points could be better. I always like to put the page number and add a real teaser. Example: " 7 mistakes men make when flirting with women … (That guarantees they will be rejected …)" I'd add something like: "#3 will blow your mind". Just made that up quick, but hopefully you get the point. Also after after bullet I'd add something like, "page 24", or whatever. Kinda seems to enforce in the readers mind that it's a real book.

    One other quick thing...I always like it when you can download a free chapter. You at least get the readers information and you can always follow up with them even if they decide not to buy.

    Just some quick thoughts.
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    • Profile picture of the author jakedenver
      Here's my free minute. Stop talking about yourself in the headline and first paragraph. Lose the mop... on your head. And, ehhhhh. You seem like a perv, dude. Penthouse cutouts and a strange trucker looking dude doesn't make me think "dating advice." Different strokes though... do your thing.
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      • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
        Banned
        Thanks max5ty. : ) I really like the idea of adding the page number and the free chapter download. Appreciate the advice.

        ...

        Thanks George. My "theory" was that because I was writing about something that's important to them, it wouldn't matter about too many "I's". However I will definitely keep that in mind. Thanks for the feedback.

        ...

        jakedenver. That picture isn't me. It's the Author of the ebook. Thanks for the advice though.
        Signature
        "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author bluemotion
    Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

    Greetings,

    Several months ago I wrote the following Copy for the
    Men's Dating Market. However, I made the mistake
    of completing it before I knew the Author was
    interested. (And so I didn't earn anything monetarily.)

    Even so, I enjoyed putting it together and would be
    interested in your advice/feedback.

    Here's the link.

    Without Embarrassment

    Thanks,
    Jonathan
    Hi, Good copy if a little long. I would add to your headline
    “The Answer To How I Conquered My Crippling Fear
    Of Rejection, Shame, And Embarrassment!” And How You Can Too. I need to know very early on what's in it for me to encourage me to read on.
    Signature

    [Smash The Competition With This.
    Video Here

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  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    It's pretty good. I would probably buy it if I was still into Pick Up. Pick Up is great...don't let the haters get down on you for going for it.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
      Banned
      Originally Posted by JesseGilbert1 View Post

      It's pretty good. I would probably buy it if I was still into Pick Up. Pick Up is great...don't let the haters get down on you for going for it.
      Hi Jesse.

      In terms of "positive feedback" that's probably one of the best responses I could have hoped for. : ) Thanks for the advice/support.

      Jonathan
      Signature
      "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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      • Profile picture of the author helisell
        Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

        Hi Jesse.

        In terms of "positive feedback" that's probably one of the best responses I could have hoped for. : ) Thanks for the advice/support.

        Jonathan
        The problem with getting people here to crit your letter is.......they are not [probably not] your potential customers. So they are looking at it with marketers eyes.

        Someone who is desperate to be successful with women would be a better target audience.

        When a potential customer signs up for your offer they are telling you that they think your sales letter is great. They are the only critics you should listen to.

        I happen to think it is good. Not over hyped, and would probably get read all the way through by someone who was looking to get better at dating.

        Why not throw up a site and put a bit of traffic to it and see if you can get people to sign up for a taster of the [non existent] product. Then you'll really know if your copy is any good.
        Signature

        Making Calls To Sell Something? What are you actually saying?
        Is there any room for improvement? Want to find out?

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        • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
          Banned
          Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

          I know the niche very very well... too confusing at the top... and too wordy... i couldn't read it... to show you the other end of the spectrum and something easily readable... look for frank kerns sales letter for one of his free books.... super easy to read....
          Thanks davemiz. Yeah I agree it was quite "wordy." I'll keep that in mind next time. Cheers. : )

          Originally Posted by helisell View Post

          The problem with getting people here to crit your letter is.......they are not [probably not] your potential customers. So they are looking at it with marketers eyes.
          Good point. Ultimately it's the customers that determine the effectiness of the Copy.

          Why not throw up a site and put a bit of traffic to it and see if you can get people to sign up for a taster of the [non existent] product. Then you'll really know if your copy is any good.
          That's not my Website or Avatar: Just someone I was hoping (at the time) would appreciate an improved Sales Letter.
          Signature
          "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    I know the niche very very well... too confusing at the top... and too wordy... i couldn't read it... to show you the other end of the spectrum and something easily readable... look for frank kerns sales letter for one of his free books.... super easy to read....
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

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  • Profile picture of the author Halukcan Buzz
    How much were you thinking of charging your client for this copy?
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