I'd love your feedback

First off, I am not a fan of the highlighted, bright colours. It really makes it hard to concentrate on the rest of it.

The actual content is pretty good, nice and snappy. Have to say there are far too many ellipses though when just a comma or full stop would work better. You open with "so" a lot, too.

Is it all left aligned?

Good job otherwise!

It made me sad.

All of those great testimonials.
All of that success.
The degree in Fine Arts.

TWO YEARS OF GRAPHIC DESIGN.

And you show us that.

Tears rolling down my cheeks.

OK. You're a pro. Yet this looks like a 16 year old warrior from his bedroom doing his first WSO.

First thing, go into your editor, hit ctrl a and highlight everything and turn it into black text. 100% improvement there.

The content isn't bad, needs to be reworked and flow better. The LOOK and design is awful (tell me it's converting like mad, and I'll jump off a cliff).

It may get a few warriors, probably if you reduce your price to 27 dollars...

but, if you want to get that dollar amount for your consulting hour...drop a few dimes on a copywriter or designer.

So, harsh as I may appear, I think you have a good chance of creating something which will fill your available time UP.

Maybe you already have filled the 3 slots. But, I'm your target market, and I don't want your love. I want your expertise and know how.

And would prefer you not lump my life in your help, just help me ...

Your "hero's journey" reads like a template you bought from someone, where is your personality, and not some IM guru?

Sorry, this is a hot mess. BUT, since this is the WF, and with hundreds of thousands of desperate people, who knows, you might get lucky.

I call for a rewrite from top to bottom. with formatting at the top of the list and less HYPE about you helping and more about the steps of my 100% commitment to your help.

gjabiz

I have a headache from all those colors.

Definitely the design is not doing you any justice. I would highly recommend you get a professional designer. You have a lot of social proof and credibility on the page, but the design lowers the value significantly. I skimmed through the actual content and it looks decent.

Even in my hubristic bombastitude of MOIMOIMOI, I would pull back from any kinda one-on-one offer.

What is this?

Frickin' wrestlin'?

Between humans, it is one-TO-one, always a dialog between, never a pile upon.

Which is why One-on-on is both the worst kinda typo an' the best kinda summary of what follows.

Thump!

Thwack!

Schwump!

Smack!

Never has my passion for appropriately deployed hyphens been greeted with such accidental violence!

I figure Skyping you would risk peelin' the sheen offa every surface in my apartment.

Such is the matto of your facto.

But you asked for feedback an' here it is:

* P * O * L * I * S * H *

* P * O * L * I * S * H *

* P * O * L * I * S * H *

* P * O * L * I * S * H *

* t P i * l O l * i L t * s I h * i S n * e H s *

Hot mess, indeed. The design makes a horrible impression and the copy reads like a cheap con. Zero credibility overall.

This is one of those "tear it up and start over" cases.

If it's converting at all, I'm not sure whether to be happy for us marketers or sad for humanity.

Andrew, can you clearly tell us, in one sentence, what your ideal client wants,
but can't get anywhere else?

That's where your message is best directed.

Best,
Ewen

Hi Ewan and all of the other copywriters. Sorry I have not replied. I am in Asia so it's AM here now and had planned on adding a thank you for all of the awesome feedback. I took a printed version of the comments and copy into town to work on a revision yesterday, but have not had a chance to change it on the salespage.

I find the feedback very valuable. I got help like this on the last launch and even thought some copywriters hated the later version it still converted at 19% on the FE.

Also some of the feedback can tend to contradict other feedback, which is normal. So I go in and look at each comment and suggestion minus the ones that dont have a real suggestion, and consider how I can work the improvements into the copy itself and do it.

I'm sure I would not have hit 19% w/o the help last time. In fact one copywriter said just hire someone and that was when it was very close to the 19% conv.

I have hired copywriters and gotten good and bad results. I have done it myself and gotten good and bad results. Yet at the end of the day I am passionate to learn the skill of copy and the best way I find is to write and rewrite and get feedback.

Of course I've also studied Halbert, Benchenvenga, Oglvy, Makepiece and even worked w Bond and some of John Carlton's top students on copy and copy feedback.

I do find that copy is a skill that takes many years to master and I'm 3 years in and still learning. It also takes some thick skin but that's life.

I also need to come in here and help others who need feedback and even the you all here who have commented, feel free to hit me up for help as you have also helped me.

PS I should have the changes on the page done in the next day or two as this is high priority.

(Creepy) Love just kidding
Andrew

Dear Ewanmac,

To answer your question on the one sentence.

"Get personal help and essential direction coaching on your books and info marketing by an expert & bestselling author with over 30+ years experience in marketing."

Thank You Ewan,

Here are my thoughts...



Now think of what your ideal client wants most,
outcome wise, before he/she meets your message.

What would it be?

(response 1)

The want to earn enough money from their books and info products without massive effort to change their lifestyle forever. The sort of lifestyle where they could quit their jobs and start a new life without fear of how they wouldpay for it.



What's been stopping this person getting that outcome?

(response 2)


A combination of incomplete or incorect information combined with loss of motivation, lack of solid direction and low results.



PS The design tips help and once I get the copy right I'll dial the design, it was low priority at first.

Also this is not a wso this will be mailed to my internal list of 2600 authors and book marketers who have bought my previous books on this subject.

Reading the sales copy and i'm reminded of when I first entered the world of work I was partnered with this world weary salesman.

He was supposed to mentor me in selling. For years I hated him I thought he was rude and obnoxious. I failed to see the power in his lesson. I just remember nervously walking up to him and introducing myself

'Hi I am'
'Listen kid' he interrupted 'rule no 1 no one gives a shit about you