Can Someone Tell Me If My Sales Page Sucks?

by Mike Hersh

Posted: 15 years ago 11 replies

COPY WRITING

Hello friends,

I'm just kidding.

Just wanted to ask some opinions from professional copywriters like you...

This is the first sales page I created, and I feel like I made it perfect. I also got a lot of good feedback from people who don't even know me who just wanted to know who wrote it for me. As always, I want someone to check it also because I don't matter, it's other people who need to read it

Click Here To Check It Out...

I'll be very thankful if you can answer also if you believe that I need a copywriter to do the job, or can I only make the minor changes and stay with mine?

Any time investment from your part will be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Mike G

#page #sales #sucks

Chris Ramsey 15 years ago
Here's a few of my thoughts.
- Your headline is overused. The word "autopilot" needs to be stricken from the memory of all non-pilots.
- If you're going to use a date script, don't put it as today's date. People will know something's up. Put it a couple days back.
- Use more bold, underline, and italics in your text. Right now it's just large blocks that are hard to read.
- Make sure you're using the correct spellings of words.
- Have some powerful bullets in the first two pages somewhere.
- When you make huge claims like you do in the second paragraph, use some sort of proof. An screenshot of your earnings would work well here.
- Your P.S. needs to reiterate your entire message in a powerful and punchy way.
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- Ross Bowring 15 years ago
  
  Mike, only got a second but here's my two cents...
  
  Like Chris said above, you've got massive blocks of text which will scare off most readers. You need to inject a good number of sub-heads to break up your text.
  
  The first sale you need to make is to make your page look appealing enough to read. Right now your above the fold copy looks appealing but as someone scrolls down it just looks daunting. Especially the bit where you outline each video.
  
  Try just having one graphic of a DVD and then snappy bullets underneath about what's in each video. Not a repeated graphic of a DVD. It becomes redundant fast.
  
  Two things about your headline.
  
  First, shouldn't it be "Rake In", not just "Rake"? But maybe "Bank" would work better because it's got more attitude...
  
  Second... under where you say "It's Totally Free!!!" you could put a small handwritten,
  
  (You'll see why in just a minute...)
  
  It infers there's a legit "reason why" it's free... otherwise a reader might see it as being too good to be true.
  
  Plus, I'd scrap the bloated sub-head you've got now and just go with...
  
  Clickbank Account Showing Zero?
  
  Don't have time to dig into the body copy but I hope this helps.
  
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maximus242 15 years ago

MORE CREDIBILITY

MORE PROOF

Headline pre-heads too hard to read.

Better readability.
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Mike Hersh 15 years ago

I would like to say thanks to all of you. I will consider to make most of the changes you guys recommended.

One problem was that I've sent you to the main page of the product and forgot to tell you that there is a video squeeze page before this page. In this video I have video proof of at least $1000 Clickbank account.

But that's OK, I have a lot of work to do.

Thank you warriors, you guys are always there when I need you
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cheesy 15 years ago

You have a lot of images of CD's, it gets really repetative, you should do somthing about that, scrolling down the whole page took ages with all those CD's. Some more testimonials would also be good if you could get a few more.
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ksmike 15 years ago

I haven't looked at any other posts so I'm sorry if there's any repetition.

Your product looks great and I'm sure you know you have a winner. If you have seriously tested this sales page I bet your conversion isn't up to par. Here's my opinion why... if I'm right. :-)

Your story is too long. Shorten it up a lot. You need to make your target customer feel the pain through your story... not get bored with it. This is way too long. Go through all your story copy and tighten it up. Eliminate everything that has no affect.

Then I would take your product and disseminate it for every possible benefit and transform them into one-two punch bullets. Separate these into categories. Create a general category for the main sales page and a category of bullets for each video.

You'll need to write hundreds of bullets and pull the best for your copy. But when you're done you'll have GREAT sales copy. Bullets will help the rest of your copy flow together. This is what you are missing.

If you need to look at great bullets check out any sales letter by Gary Halbert. Search the forum and you'll find some I would think.

Hope this helps!
Mike
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ksmike 15 years ago

After posting I went back and looked at what Mark had to say and he's right on target with everything, especially the opener.

You have good advice in these posts if you're up to it. ;-)

Good luck Warrior. (this reminds me of some old movie)
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- markpocock 15 years ago
  
  hi
  
  Looking at your sales letter I think the foloowing.
  
  1. Your pre-header is very difficult to read. And something difficult
  to read doesn't get read.
  
  2. Your headline. Your reader doesn't care about you.
  It's not about you. It's all about them.
  Also your reader is thinking is this an ego trip?
  You're not telling me I can earn these amounts as well.
  Bring your promise back to the reader.
  
  You probably need a hook in this headline. An angle.
  Something different. Something NEW.
  
  Go and read Gene Schwarz's Breakthrough Advertising.
  In particular the chapter on the awareness and sophistication
  of your marketplace.
  
  Your headline is probably a tired promise to this
  market. They've heard it all before, Yet they still
  want what you're offering.
  
  You could probably
  
  3. You say - Kung Fu System Generates Huge Commission Checks
  
  Don't tell me what this is about too soon. Or else I can dismiss
  your letter and go and do some thing more interesting.
  
  Remember. Your headline stops your reader. Tells them
  there's something of interest to them.And they should
  read the first sentence. Then the second sentence.
  Then the third sentence.
  
  So to your opening two sentences....
  
  This is a special day for you. This day is going to be the most important day of your life.
  
  Really? I'm not so sure about that. You gotta think of every WRONG
  way your reader can take your copy.
  
  Are these 2 opening sentences really going to
  make your reader want to read on?
  If you were going door to door and had 30 seconds before the door
  was slammed in your face what would you say?
  
  If I was you I'd take some time to build some empathy
  in your beginning. Symapathize with their position.
  
  Then cut in with the Zeigarnik effect. So you interrupt
  the reader and he has to read on to discover the outcome.
  
  Then go into your story your ideal prospect can relate to.
  
  Oh and you need some teasing bullets about what's in your videos.
  
  Hope this helps
  
  Mark
  
  Thanks
  
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  use in their multimillion dollar promotions
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  MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 15 years ago
  
  [DELETED]
  
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  markpocock 15 years ago
  
  Hi Mark
  
  Nice name....
  
  Nah 5' is way too big. I like 'em about 2-3'
  I'm a beginner on my waveski.
  
  Jeez it's like the middle of October up
  here today. Bet it's Mediteranean like
  down where you are...
  
  cheers
  
  Mark
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Get a FREE 20 minute consultation on your sales letter. Contact me today
  And have the secrets A-List Copywriters - David Garfinkel & Parris Lampropoulos
  use in their multimillion dollar promotions
  www.markpocock.com
  
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Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter 15 years ago

If someone "scans" your copy they are never going to read it after. Ever. Your headlines are boring. Your price seems out of whack with what the headlines offer.

I scanned and got this impression: This guy has read some IM copy and is consumed with himself. Nothing new here. Nothing interesting here. Move along.

Tell a story with your headlines. First I heard "it's totally free" then I'm told "ONLY $97"--which is it? Do you realize the word "you" doesn't appear in ANY of your headlines? It's all focused on "I did this" and "My..."

If you are going to use headlines over each video, make them say something. Instead of video 1 use: "In this video you will discover an overview of the Kung Fu system." No wait, don't. Did you really use that as a description of the content of video one? Wow. That's what I always wanted. Love those overview videos. Sign me up.

How about this for your first video:

"In this video you will INSTANTLY GRASP how your powerful AFFILIATE KUNG-FU SYSTEM will STUFF YOUR POCKETS WITH CASH"

Or, you can stick with what you've got. Either way.

Other people have given you priceless advice. Seriously, it's priceless as in "you didn't pay for it." You should. It's worth it. Ignore everything you think you knew that caused you to put this copy together and sit down with every tip you've been given here and put it to work.
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Mike Hersh 15 years ago

WOW, I'm so happy I asked for advice here guys.

You guys rock, and I truly believe that I need a copywriter to do the job for me

I think I will try once more to create it and I'll update you guys as I finish it to see what you have to say.

I want to say a big thank you for all those powerful tips. I will work on every one of them and try to create something more compelling.

Cheers,

Mike G
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Can Someone Tell Me If My Sales Page Sucks?

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