Please please review this short piece!

11 replies
Hi,

This is a first draft for a vegan lifestyle (meal planning and fitness training) company. Let me know what you think!

Thank you!!


https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwL...ew?usp=sharing
#piece #review #short
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Trying to convert a meat eater to go without meat
    ain't going to happen.

    You aren't going to convert Muslims to Christianity.

    You aren't going to convert anti abortionists to pro abortionists.

    You aren't going to convert Apple Mac owners to Windows.

    Therefore you are going to fail.

    However, if you speak to vegans on how to
    get more performance out of their vegan lifestyle,
    now you have a receptive audience.

    Best,
    Ewen
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10637844].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      Trying to convert a meat eater to go without meat
      ain't going to happen.

      You aren't going to convert Muslims to Christianity.

      You aren't going to convert anti abortionists to pro abortionists.

      You aren't going to convert Apple Mac owners to Windows.

      Therefore you are going to fail.

      However, if you speak to vegans on how to
      get more performance out of the vegan lifestyle,
      now have a receptive audience.

      Best,
      Ewen


      That's baloney Ewen, and you know it.

      Sure it's easier to sell when preaching to the choir, but it's not impossible to sell to the unconverted. It just takes more effort.

      Many consumers change their long-held beliefs once they've been educated.

      Alex
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10637855].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

        That's baloney Ewen, and you know it.

        Sure it's easier to sell when preaching to the choir, but it's not impossible to sell to the unconverted. It just takes more effort.

        Many consumers change their long-held beliefs once they've been educated.

        Alex
        I know I'm not a masochist Alex and
        don't intend to change as I've observed enough of humanity
        to see the futility going against pre existing beliefs just as it will be to
        get a change in your belief on this subject.

        The good news for the poster wanting us to look at his ad,
        is that going after Vegans will get him/her much more traction
        faster than speaking to meat eaters.

        Best,
        Ewen
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10637877].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          I know I'm not a masochist Alex and
          don't intend to change as I've observed enough of humanity
          to see the futility going against pre existing beliefs just as it will be to
          get a change in your belief on this subject.

          The good news for the poster wanting us to look at his ad,
          is that going after Vegans will get him/her much more traction
          faster than speaking to meat eaters.

          Best,
          Ewen
          You're going after the low-hanging fruit... that's your decision. And frankly, there's where I prefer to pick too.

          But by denying there's other fruit to be picked does a disservice to those who read the posts here.

          Tell the whole story.

          A lot of marketers do just fine going after the rest of the fruit.

          Alex

          P.S. To others reading this thread, Michel Fortin's "OATH" article does a good job of explaining the stages of buyer awareness...

          Can Your Prospects Take An Oath? - Workaholics4Hire.com
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10637915].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author mikeffd
    Thanks for the feedback. It's my second go at copywriting and I'm actually charging for this.

    It's just a first draft.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10637889].message }}
  • {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10639278].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by mikeffd View Post

      Mike, the Vegans, your market, don't care about
      why others have chosen the vegan lifestyle.

      What have you got that can help a vegan?

      That's what a vegan wants to know if she is
      to carry on to read, then buy.

      You are leaving out empathy.

      Show you understand the reader so deeply that
      she knows you can help her.

      I worked on a project for a friend who did it for his sister.

      She was a celeb to her small following.

      Yet few bought from her.

      She was once like her readers.

      2 guys who weren't like her readers tapped so deep into what life was like for them
      they wrote back with long letters describing what a mess their life is and knew she could fix it for them.

      Some of these women were corporate executives so they were intelligent women.

      They weren't told what the the progam or price point would be.

      They just wanted what she had because they knew she could help.

      That's the power of the reader can tell you understand her life.

      She passes the power over.

      Best, Ewen
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10639284].message }}
      • Quick thought...

        Not many people started off as vegans.

        So they must have "changed" from another diet.


        I understand all the dilemmas Ewen mentioned.

        But if the "pain" is high enough Alex's points are correct.


        You could market veganism using the techniques from the legendary copywriter Mr Eugene Schwartz *

        I would be tempted to frame it with all the accolades and benefits of a "new (because you weren't fully aware of it) mechanism" to the diet, health and lifestyle market.


        Steve


        * all is explained in the epic book "Breakthrough Advertising"
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10639995].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    Interesting. I don't think the headline is too compelling.
    maybe a benefit oriented headline like 'Improve Your Health With These 10 Helpful Tips For Becoming Vegan Lifestyle' or something like that...

    I tend to think Ewen may be right but who knows...there are some good points made.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10642303].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Not good for many reasons, here's a couple:

    1. Headline is too weak. You don't even really answer the question with anything to convince me.

    2. You say Doctors have come to a conclusion...yet you give no proof. Plus, other things you say have been proven but where's the proof?

    3. You say, "All you have to do is fill out a short survey..." Not worded very good...sounds like too much work.

    This article really lacks any excitement as in "wow" this shit is awesome! I think I found the answer to my big ass! I'm gonna quit eating half a cow daily and try this!

    Actually I agree with Ewen. But, if you're trying to switch animal eaters to Vegans, I'd use a more back door approach and talk about the benefits first with enthusiasm then let them in on the recipe to achieve these benefits.

    Hey, look at Bertha's skin how it glows...

    Look at Bob, he's really 78.

    Judy just ran a marathon in 3 hours, here's how she did it at 124 years old.

    Mary had sex for 12 hours last night and was still ready to go (ok, maybe not this one).

    Larry lost 501 pounds by just eating this...

    Just a couple real quick thoughts. Sorry I don't have more time. Hopefully you get the idea.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10650133].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Sean DeSilva
    I can sense a lack of avatar for this promotion. There's no one really being focused on.

    If, for example, you decided to target overweight meat eaters, suddenly it becomes much easier to write to sell

    "Vegans don't get fat"

    That's a swipe from "French people don't get fat." It works because it plays on a pre-existing belief, and then uses it to hook attention. At some point in the sales copy you'd want to identify the vegans who do get fat and discount them,
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10655665].message }}

Trending Topics