Why didn't this convert

by mikeffd 14 replies
I recently posted a thread about a Vegan diet consulted I was helping write copy for. I took the constructive criticism and produced what I thought was a pretty decent sales page. Turns out its not converting and my client hired someone else.

I'm pretty upset. Here's the final draft. Where did I go wrong? please help.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwL...ew?usp=sharing
#copywriting #convert
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    It's a surprise to you it's not converting
    after I told you are fighting against human nature?

    In this case, trying to convince meat eaters to stop eating meat.

    Ewen walks away and shakes his head and mutters, "why bother try
    helping when the message falls on deaf ears."

    Best,
    Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author DKCopywriter
    What Ewen said. It goes against human nature. When it comes to looking good, I'd rather workout a TON than stop eating burgers and ribs.

    You say you serve delicious meals and fun workouts, but don't back it up with any proof that they're delicious or fun. What are these meals? What are these workouts?

    Look at the words you're using. They're so....sciency. It looks like you're writing an academic paper. It's a boring read and it's one page long!
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    In a large enough group of people, there ARE people who could be convinced. Likely they're on the edge of converting anyway when they get your letter.

    But those people are tough to find.

    And your headline is very boring and would likely not even capture these people's attention.

    If you could do something like...
    --

    BREAKING: New Harvard Resarch Study Proves You Can...

    Add 12 Happy Years to Your Life Simply by Dropping the Meat!

    Give it 2 Weeks - You'll Instantly Feel Lighter, Leaner, and Stronger...and the Food's So Good, You'll Never Go Back!

    --
    ...then you might stand a chance at converting people already thinking about it. Of course, you can't make it up - you have to find your own hook.

    And how you find those people is another story.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Gotta find the right audience man.

    If I were told my next steak would 1000% kill me dead on the spot within the first 3 bites?

    I'd have an "Angie's gonna die, send her off in style" party with an old 96er.

    Some of us you will NEVER convince.
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    For women ONLY...start getting what you want, when you want it. Join the Club.

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  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    Maybe you did not go wrong with the copy, but the copy was presented to the wrong audience.

    In other words, where was the copy used?

    People who've had a heart attack and whose doctors told them if they don't drop the meat, they're going to be dead within the year are waaay more likely to be interested than other people. For instance.

    But your title is:
    Why Are More People Choosing the Vegan Life Style?

    and the subtitle is:
    Get free coaching to lose weight and feel healthy

    Neither is all that catchy and they don't quite go together and your title asks why more people are choosing to go vegan and nowhere in your copy do you answer that... I know, I know, losing weight is the answer. But you never actually state it.

    And, you stay general, you don't speak to a particular audience.

    And you stating that the way to go is to adopt a vegan lifestyle only convinces vegans. You needed to back up that claim.

    Harvard Doctor's Study Finds That 30-45 year old women who've adopted a vegan life style lost 32LBS on average without doing anything else
    as a title, would get my wife's attention.

    Harvard Doctor's Study Finds That 30-45 year-old men who adopted a vegan life style have sex 3 times more often than men who eat meat
    would get my attention any time of any day, no matter how far or close to my ideal weight.

    Originally Posted by mikeffd View Post

    I recently posted a thread about a Vegan diet consulted I was helping write copy for. I took the constructive criticism and produced what I thought was a pretty decent sales page. Turns out its not converting and my client hired someone else.

    I'm pretty upset. Here's the final draft. Where did I go wrong? please help.

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwL...ew?usp=sharing
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I am a vegetarian and I know that it takes a lot of motivation for
    people NOT just to stop eating meat but to change their diet PERIOD.

    So you need a LOT more copy than this and more persuasion to get
    that change. You basically have to scare the reader out of eating meat.
    Keep in mind that all smokers know what the surgeon general message
    says on every cigarette box and the still light up. As another poster
    said, human nature. Taste often wins over logic.

    So you'll need a magalog to accomplish what you're aiming for.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Let a VETERAN Copywriter and Teacher get your skills up to speed in little time.
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  • Profile picture of the author Evan D
    Wrong angle...

    All the "benefits" you list aren't really benefits... I could say all the same things about adopting a ketogenic diet. Your best bet to convert someone to vegan would be to play up the "saving the planet" angle... even then it's still an uphill battle, but stands more of a chance.
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    If he's selling vegan diet coaching, why's he trying to convert meat-eaters to vegan anyway?

    His copy should be targeting people who have already made the break, and now they want to do vegan happily, healthily, deliciously, etc. Gain knowledge that will help their new lifestyle for the long haul...

    Anyway, that copy doesn't work because it's just "all over the place"... You're trying to do too much.

    It reads like you set out to "write copy" instead of put together a coherent sales appeal based on deep research into the audience and product...

    And speaking of the writing: stuff like "delicious meals" and "fun workouts" are cardboard and shallow... There's no depth to those descrips. Gotta paint a more vivid picture than that!

    There's a lot missing from that copy... ^ But there's my $.02.
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  • Profile picture of the author Evan D
    I don't think it's necessarily impossible to convert meat eaters... just hard.

    Off the top of my head here's what I would have done.

    Picture of a piece of steak on a fork with a headline something like:

    "The Next Bite Could Kill You!"

    then a subhead along the lines of...

    "Not only is consuming meat rotting your guts from the inside out while keeping you fat... it's also killing the plant"

    Then pump the prospects pain over being fat and out of shape... having low energy... disgust looking in the mirrior etc...

    Toss in a few "facts" about how meat eating is also contributing to global warming. yada yada...

    Then the "it doesn't have to be this way" bit that turns everything around and shows them what life can be like as a vegan, in vivid detail.

    Don't talk about delicious meals and fun workouts... instead say "sign up for your free session to learn about the five fat burning veggies you're not eating, the single best exercise for packing on slabs of rock hard muscle etc"
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  • Profile picture of the author havplenty
    Now why did you not listen to Ewen? Sorry you lost out on the gig...

    You've got some excellent feedback here so use it to power up your copy for the next gig.

    Also, and this is a just a quick thought, this sort of thing is ripe for a story lead. In it you can bury almost anything. Tell a story of a 26 year old bride who wept at her wedding because both her parents weren't there (they ate too much meat and cancer got em) and you might get the prospects attention.

    I think sometimes people will do wonderous things for the ones they love.

    Just watched BM Vs SM
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  • Well first off, this really isn't copy. You basically wrote a 350-word piece of content with a weak CTA.

    Why, specifically, did it not convert?
    • The angle is wrong
    • You told instead of showed
    • You didn't create pain and empathize with the buyer
    • No clear reader benefits
    • No power adjectives or verbs
    • No proof/credibility
    • No sense of urgency
    • No persuasive language of any kind
    • You didn't solve a real problem

    It didn't convert because out of the dozens of copywriting elements you could have used to persuade readers, you didn't use a single one. Not one.

    It didn't convert because it's not copywriting.

    Look, I'm going to be really honest with you and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but this is important for you to hear.

    There is a huge difference between business owners/product creators who come in here asking for critiques on copy they've written for their own products, and people who claim to be copywriters.

    I expect someone who doesn't do this for a living to write bad sales copy. I do not expect it from someone who claims to be a "copywriter" and is charging for their services.

    It's very clear from your example that you don't actually understand how to write copy and the elements that make it different from content writing.

    That wouldn't be an issue, except for the fact that you're charging people for a service you are supposed to be proficient at and aren't.

    That is extremely unfair to any unsuspecting client that might hire you (not to mention, it ruins it for the rest of us by creating paranoid clients who have had bad experiences).

    It's obvious that you're just starting out and while other writers might spout off about how there's nothing better than getting paid to learn, I urge you not to listen to them.

    Starting out as a new writer and getting paid to write blogs and articles is one thing. Taking money for completely unusable sales copy that doesn't sell is entirely another–and it's wrong.

    In this business, reputation is everything. If you continue taking people's money when you don't know what you're doing yet, you'll destroy yours before you can blink.

    Clients talk and you'd be surprised how many of them know each other.

    Crawl, then walk, then run. You're still crawling–and that's okay. We all start somewhere.

    But I'd strongly recommend reading as many copywriting and marketing books as you can (I can recommend some good ones) or getting a mentor who can help you, and offering your services for free, in the meantime.

    This way, you can gain experience and build a portfolio while you learn–while not pissing off potential clients–until you're proficient enough to get real gigs.

    Get the basics down, then start taking on paid projects. Until then, read, read, read and practice, practice, practice.

    Otherwise, you're going to keep having the same issue reocurr.

    This client was nice enough to tell you your copy wasn't converting and that they hired someone else. Next time, you might have an irate client demanding a refund (and they wouldn't be wrong to ask for one).

    P.S. - Copy 101:

    Never overuse the word "we." The only time that's acceptable is on an "About Us" page. Start translating "We do" into "You get." Your reader wants to know what's in it for them.
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    • Profile picture of the author thefsboking
      Originally Posted by Jennifer Hutson View Post

      Well first off, this really isn't copy. You basically wrote a 350-word piece of content with a weak CTA.

      Why, specifically, did it not convert?
      • The angle is wrong
      • You told instead of showed
      • You didn't create pain and empathize with the buyer
      • No clear reader benefits
      • No power adjectives or verbs
      • No proof/credibility
      • No sense of urgency
      • No persuasive language of any kind
      • You didn't solve a real problem

      It didn't convert because out of the dozens of copywriting elements you could have used to persuade readers, you didn't use a single one. Not one.

      It didn't convert because it's not copywriting.

      Look, I'm going to be really honest with you and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but this is important for you to hear.

      There is a huge difference between business owners/product creators who come in here asking for critiques on copy they've written for their own products, and people who claim to be copywriters.

      I expect someone who doesn't do this for a living to write bad sales copy. I do not expect it from someone who claims to be a "copywriter" and is charging for their services.

      It's very clear from your example that you don't actually understand how to write copy and the elements that make it different from content writing.

      That wouldn't be an issue, except for the fact that you're charging people for a service you are supposed to be proficient at and aren't.

      That is extremely unfair to any unsuspecting client that might hire you (not to mention, it ruins it for the rest of us by creating paranoid clients who have had bad experiences).

      It's obvious that you're just starting out and while other writers might spout off about how there's nothing better than getting paid to learn, I urge you not to listen to them.

      Starting out as a new writer and getting paid to write blogs and articles is one thing. Taking money for completely unusable sales copy that doesn't sell is entirely anotherand it's wrong.

      In this business, reputation is everything. If you continue taking people's money when you don't know what you're doing yet, you'll destroy yours before you can blink.

      Clients talk and you'd be surprised how many of them know each other.

      Crawl, then walk, then run. You're still crawlingand that's okay. We all start somewhere.

      But I'd strongly recommend reading as many copywriting and marketing books as you can (I can recommend some good ones) or getting a mentor who can help you, and offering your services for free, in the meantime.

      This way, you can gain experience and build a portfolio while you learnwhile not pissing off potential clientsuntil you're proficient enough to get real gigs.

      Get the basics down, then start taking on paid projects. Until then, read, read, read and practice, practice, practice.

      Otherwise, you're going to keep having the same issue reocurr.

      This client was nice enough to tell you your copy wasn't converting and that they hired someone else. Next time, you might have an irate client demanding a refund (and they wouldn't be wrong to ask for one).

      P.S. - Copy 101:

      Never overuse the word "we." The only time that's acceptable is on an "About Us" page. Start translating "We do" into "You get." Your reader wants to know what's in it for them.
      Wow! You know your stuff. How did you learn to write copy? Any advise for a newbie in training will be well taken.
      Signature

      Mike Williams

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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    What did I tell you, Mike?

    Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals.

    Maybe you should have paid attention instead of brushing it off.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    Since I last posted here, a 13-year old kid became a hardcore vegetarian. The reason: she watched some documentaries about how animals we eat are treated... (Side note: never, ever watch such documentaries: bad for your soul.)

    Anyway, did you know it's really hard for her family to make sure she's properly fed? Her parents have to remember to have vegetarian dishes and those dishes have to be balanced and tasty enough.

    So, her parents thought they might compensate where they lack with vegetarian burgers (easy to get eat-ready) and other easy (pre-made) dishes.

    Turns out, many vegetarian burger makers forget to put any flavor into their burgers or they put lousy ones; many get it done by pouring tons of chemicals with impossible-to-pronounce names.

    It further turns out, none of that is a deterrent, there's a real need for tasty vegetarian dishes.

    So, one component of the market is: parents of vegetarian kids who are into no corn syrup, no genetically modified, no acitate of that and sorbitate of that.

    They can sort out all they want from the ingredient list, but not taste.

    So, if you spoke to them (you want your kid to keep having hair and nails and teeth and life, you hate how animals are raised and killed, and you have proof of taste, testimonials or even a phrase like: it tastes like chicken alfredo, you got them.

    The hard part is finding a way to put the darn copy in front of them: In this case, they're low middle-class, living in a suburb, own a Honda Civic, lease a Toyota Camry, work too much, visit stores like Target and Costco warehouse, visit the library, youtube and facebook a lot.
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