Copy Critique Appreciated (Beginner)

Hi, I wrote this "sales page" earlier this week and I would greatly your perspective. I found the product/company in a Clipper magazine and thought it'd be something good to write about since I know a lot about this industry.

What I was thinking of doing was making a short ad, like something that pops up on the side of Yahoo, and then when people click on that they go to a sales page. So part A is the short ad, and part B is the sales page.

I know there are no visuals and they're pretty important for a successful ad, but how is the copy itself? The parts inside <> would be hidden in the actual ad. They're just there because I (sort of) have a visual representation of the ad outline in my head.


Part A Copy (Ad):
Permanently Destroy Stubborn Fat – Without Surgery, Dieting, Or Exercise

Have you tried everything to lose those last few annoying pounds around your midsection? Tired of starving yourself and working out for hours? Feel like giving up? Call the number below or visit our website to schedule a FREE consultation for an FDA approved product that will effortlessly melt your stomach fat and give you dramatic results in just a few weeks.

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Part B Copy (Sales Page)
UltraShape – Nonsurgical Way Of Melting Fat Cells So They Never Come Back

<Testimonial before and after pictures>
<Caption>: UltraShape has helped over 300,000 people in 50 different countries finally get rid of their stubborn fat. Browse through our customers’ before and after photos and see for yourself why 94% of them are satisfied with their results.

How Does UltraShape Work?
UltraShape selectively destroys fat cells with smart ultrasound wave technology and keeps them gone forever. Through years of experimenting and intense scientific research, the smart ultrasound waves know to only remove fat cells, so nearby nerves and tissue are left untouched. Once the fat cells are broken up, your liver processes them and gets rid of them naturally.
The treatment is revolutionary and is the first and only FDA approved noninvasive fat loss procedure in the United States. It’s a gentle and risk-free procedure that eliminates stubborn fat without heating or freezing it. We guarantee your experience will be painless and the most comfortable way you’ve ever lost fat, or your money back.
Enjoy surgery-like results—without incisions, anesthetics, or side effects. With no visible signs of treatment and no risk to your health, it’s jaw-dropping technology that belongs in a science fiction movie!

Burning Stubborn Fat Has Never Been Easier
Just lie down, relax and the certified doctor will do all the work for you. I promise it’s that simple. You’ll enjoy long-lasting beauty without sacrificing your favorite food and spending hours in the gym.

Losing Fat Is No Longer A Big Time Commitment
All it takes is just three 45-minute office visits and the fat is gone forever. You can schedule a treatment during your lunch break and be back at work feeling perfectly fine because there is no recovery period.
After your final office visit, you will see drastic changes to your midsection and instantly feel your confidence skyrocket as the compliments from others pour in.

Have A Beach Body This Summer
Summer is just around the corner. There is no need to feel hopeless about your body. Do what over 300,000 others have done and finally get rid of that stomach fat forever. Look and feel fantastic this summer by speaking to Dr. <> at the number below and getting a free consultation so you can have your beach body before summer starts!

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The people I'm targeting are those who have tried everything to burn stubborn fat, but haven't found success. After reading Ca$hvertising, I tried to appeal to the following Lifeforce 8 desires: enjoyment of food and beverages, enjoyment of life, to be superior/winning, and social approval. I hope I've effectively done so in this ad.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing your input!