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Critque: Please Rip my Sales Letter to Shreads

by BetterByDay
15 replies
I've read the "Use this checklist before asking for a critique post!"

Hello,

I am a newborn copy writer, and would like to gather feedback on my very first sales letter. The purpose of the sales letter is to get lonely men to sign up for the newsletter, which will then provide the information as promised along with an offering of an ebook or audio.

A couple other questions I would like to have answered:

1) How do you know when you are ready to start approaching clients to write copy for them?

2) Is it absolutely essential for a world class copywriter to pick a particular niche? I want to gun for world class level but am interested in a variety of platforms to create copy for.

Thanks for patience,

BetterByDay
#critque #letter #rip #sales #shreads
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    How much copywriting training have you had?

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author BetterByDay
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      How much copywriting training have you had?

      Alex
      I have gone through all of Garyhalbertletters.com.
      I have purchased the majority of the classic books on copywriting.
      I listen to sales and copywriting audio constantly.
      This is the first sales letter I have ever written.
      I have had no traditional training however.
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        Originally Posted by BetterByDay View Post

        I have gone through all of Garyhalbertletters.com.
        I have purchased the majority of the classic books on copywriting.
        I listen to sales and copywriting audio constantly.
        This is the first sales letter I have ever written.
        I have had no traditional training however.
        Your first sales letter demonstrates that self-teaching is not the way to go.

        Alex
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        • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
          Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

          Your first sales letter demonstrates that self-teaching is not the way to go.

          Alex
          Meh - agree and disagree.

          Largely self-taught over here.

          But realize the value of having someone walk you through the holes in your thought process, as well.

          Self-taught is possible. It just typically takes longer or a willingness to throw caution to the wind and learn hard lessons fast. Failing forward.
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          Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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          • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
            Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

            Meh - agree and disagree.

            Largely self-taught over here.

            But realize the value of having someone walk you through the holes in your thought process, as well.

            Self-taught is possible. It just typically takes longer or a willingness to throw caution to the wind and learn hard lessons fast. Failing forward.
            "Takes longer" is a serious disadvantage of self-teaching. Why travel across the country in a car when you can get there in a few hours on a jet?

            Alex
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            • Profile picture of the author BetterByDay
              Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

              "Takes longer" is a serious disadvantage of self-teaching. Why travel across the country in a car when you can get there in a few hours on a jet?

              Alex
              How would you suggest I find a seasoned copywriter to take me under their wing and guide me?
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              • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                Originally Posted by BetterByDay View Post

                How would you suggest I find a seasoned copywriter to take me under their wing and guide me?
                Some copywriters who post here do copy coaching. Ray Edwards, myself. There may be others.

                Alex
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            • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
              Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

              "Takes longer" is a serious disadvantage of self-teaching. Why travel across the country in a car when you can get there in a few hours on a jet?

              Alex
              Because sometimes the pleasure is in the drive.

              There's no one right way to build a copy career. I'm a shining example of that.

              It all really breaks down to your goals, your seriousness, your resources and available time, and how quickly you learn hard lessons.
              Signature

              Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author neshaword
    You did not upload your sales letter here, so I cannot give you the feedback you are looking for. Regarding your questions, the first one, you ready when you are ready. If you feel confident about your writing skills, then go for it. The 2nd question, I dare to say that there is no bad niche for a good writer. There are some tools you can use to improve your writing, but let us see this sales letter of yours first, if you agree, of course. Regards! N
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    • Profile picture of the author BetterByDay
      Originally Posted by neshaword View Post

      You did not upload your sales letter here, so I cannot give you the feedback you are looking for. Regarding your questions, the first one, you ready when you are ready. If you feel confident about your writing skills, then go for it. The 2nd question, I dare to say that there is no bad niche for a good writer. There are some tools you can use to improve your writing, but let us see this sales letter of yours first, if you agree, of course. Regards! N
      If you look at the bottom of my original post you will see a pdf with the name dating advice #1.
      Thanks for the other info.
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      • Profile picture of the author neshaword
        Originally Posted by BetterByDay View Post

        If you look at the bottom of my original post you will see a pdf with the name dating advice #1.
        Thanks for the other info.
        See it now. Reading. Need to finish something. Will let you know. Thx.
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    • Profile picture of the author BetterByDay
      Originally Posted by neshaword View Post

      You did not upload your sales letter here, so I cannot give you the feedback you are looking for. Regarding your questions, the first one, you ready when you are ready. If you feel confident about your writing skills, then go for it. The 2nd question, I dare to say that there is no bad niche for a good writer. There are some tools you can use to improve your writing, but let us see this sales letter of yours first, if you agree, of course. Regards! N
      I reattached the document to this message.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    I'll be honest, I got through your headline and your first paragraph before I was out.

    That's what your potential customer will be doing too.

    The thing to understand is this is a saturated market. You need a fresh angle, period. The lack of homework shows - or, if you did homework in this niche, you didn't go nearly deep enough.

    I can see you trying to implement some of what you've read (i.e. launching into a story to hook them), but the story isn't hooking right now. So much so that I bounced after about 20 seconds.

    It may sound mean, but if I couldn't read it as a potential customer, I'm not going to read the entire thing to give you a critique. Try again.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    Unlike Angie, I made it through the 2nd paragraph.

    I understand what you're trying to do but it ain't working.

    First, I mind the lack of punctuation. Yup, it stopped me. I also had a problem with the assertion that the majority of the beautiful women were with ugly men.

    I don't like your title. I don't want to know how ugly men can get a date with beautiful women. I am interested in how I can get a date...

    Maybe you come to that later in your letter, but too late for me.

    Plus, why would I listen to you?

    Plus, how ass ugly... is lazy thinking (the expression and the thought: how do you know your target audience isn't wondering how seemingly less cool men get dates when they don't? or less educated? or... ).

    Plus, do they have to be butt-ugly and broke? (An unrelated aside: I don't understand the expression, I've seen quite a few gorgeous butts in my life. I think we all owe butts an apology.)
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    In a good note, you've got potential. I appreciate your ambition.

    That stated, Angie and DABK are on the money.

    I'll add one more thing.

    You may know guys, but you don't understand the market.

    The market is split into so many sub-niches and sub-sub-niches, it's difficult to write something that goes across the broader market that guys haven't seen that gets them excited.

    In other words, there's competition galore.

    The other thing is unless you have a kick butt idea, you need a guru in this market.

    But don't stop, keep going.
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