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Does this prompt you to sign up?

by SterkBrand
9 replies
Hi guys, i wanted to get some love or hate on this landing copy.

Type 1: Business Opportunity

Type 2: Business Opportunity #2

Please give me some constructive criticism to make it better.

I will be really grateful if you can browse it as a potential customer and let me know where you see inconsistencies or places where I can improve.

Thank you,

- Sterk
#prompt #sign
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Sterk,

    It's missing 3 key points...

    1 Calling out WHO this message is for
    so they know, fast, they are in the right place, therefore don't bounce

    2 Giving yourself authority/status so they listen to you

    3 Demonstrating you know their situation better than anybody else,
    while absolving them from all wrongdoing.

    I don't know if the readers have heard of you before or not,
    if they haven't, it's a BIG ask for them to hop on the phone
    with you.

    It's possible if you add more value to the call and take risk of time lost
    out of the way by offering to pay them if they think you have wasted their time.

    Best,
    Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author daveshu
    Does this prompt you to sign up?

    No.
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author GordonJ
    Originally Posted by SterkBrand View Post

    Hi guys, i wanted to get some love or hate on this landing copy.

    Type 1: Business Opportunity

    Type 2: Business Opportunity #2

    Please give me some constructive criticism to make it better.

    I will be really grateful if you can browse it as a potential customer and let me know where you see inconsistencies or places where I can improve.

    Thank you,

    - Sterk
    I then simply, don't believe you. You don't know what I do so any claims for 2x revenue in 14 days is processed as BS and/or scam.

    GordonJ
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    A full critique would take a while.

    But a quick appraisal shows you are missing the following points.

    Credibility

    Believability

    Specificity

    No emotion

    No targeting

    No proof

    No irresistible offer

    No scarcity

    No "you must do it now" close

    Etc Etc (bit unfair to keep listing all the missing factors)

    What you have is a bare bone generic outline draft.

    It's a start!

    Now...

    Everything necessary to get a response needs to be fitted in.


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    Like Gordon said, since you don't know what I do, how do you know you can improve me so much?

    I have made claims like that, after reviewing the client's situation. And, with a guarantee: if I fail to double it, I give you your money back (that means, if I raise it from 1 to 1.9, I failed so you get your money back).

    So, your offer is not based on reality is my perception and you don't believe you can do it (or else you'd be stating something along a penalty for you not achieving what you claim you will).

    Steve covered all aspects but briefly.

    Talk to a specific client, in a language that speaks to that client (what you have is too general), and make an offer that client can't resist.

    I am assuming your copy is general because you can help any type of business, so I think what I'm saying means you have to have several landing pages, one for insurance agents, one for attorneys, one for die casters, etc.

    When you're chasing everyone you're catching no one.
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    • Profile picture of the author SterkBrand
      Originally Posted by DABK View Post

      Like Gordon said, since you don't know what I do, how do you know you can improve me so much?

      I have made claims like that, after reviewing the client's situation. And, with a guarantee: if I fail to double it, I give you your money back (that means, if I raise it from 1 to 1.9, I failed so you get your money back).

      So, your offer is not based on reality is my perception and you don't believe you can do it (or else you'd be stating something along a penalty for you not achieving what you claim you will).

      Steve covered all aspects but briefly.

      Talk to a specific client, in a language that speaks to that client (what you have is too general), and make an offer that client can't resist.

      I am assuming your copy is general because you can help any type of business, so I think what I'm saying means you have to have several landing pages, one for insurance agents, one for attorneys, one for die casters, etc.

      When you're chasing everyone you're catching no one.

      That last sentence made it for me. I truly appreciate your advice, I'll take it to heart when re-developing this.
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    I am not happy with the lengtha Thumbs Up Guy's tie.

    Rip his shirt offa his back an' you got sighta his navel.

    I would want my 'potential-for-displayin' allure an' succulence' guys to length out on more generous ties.

    Swingin' periniumly is natcho immodest but the quasi-stenum yank knot suggests a tightass.

    Prolly I am comfortablest with a tie licks on a belt buckle.

    Feels equally like an' unlike curtains.
    Signature

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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  • Profile picture of the author SterkBrand
    For those responses who were genuine and constructive, I want to thank you, and I've already reached out to you. You know who you are.

    For everyone else: I also appreciate the jokes, and had a laugh.
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  • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author SterkBrand
      Originally Posted by jimbo13 View Post

      To re-iterate Ewen's second point on authority

      There isn't, and never has been, a company called Roc Health Solutions Ltd in the UK which is your sole testimonial.

      This takes less than 5 seconds to find out.

      So that doesn't help your credibility much does it?

      Moreover you have worked with Fortune 100 companies yet completely fail to mention any of them or what you did for them.

      That doesn't help you either does it?

      Which rightly or wrongly makes me think your target market must be idiots you are hoping don't do even a cursory check on whom they may be working with.

      See the problem?

      Dan
      You can say there has never been a company, but have you considered the possibility of offshore companies, in Belize, with the HQ in the UK, this happens all the time by the way. In this case, it has happened with my client.

      That's your first point, secondly, i mention JIK International, if you bothered to do more research you'd find that we've partnered with Heineken ( a multi-billion dollar company, along with others.)

      The purpose is not to go into the detail of my previous interactions with customers, but start a conversation. I want to make an effortless chat with the potential lead who signs up (zero money investment).

      I understand now what to do now, with the help of members above.
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