Please could you critique my sales page.

Hi Andy,

Two remarks:

1. First, I had to figure out what your offer is all about

TO DO: You should add your title above the box

2. I think this is about backup, right? Why not adding this word in the title?

TO DO: Split test this.

All the best,

Franck

I looked but I didn't see any sales letter. A ton of graphics but little
copy to talk about. Also the page is waay to busy which confuses
the offer--what are you selling?

-Ray Edwards

Hi Franck,

It is about backup, but its also about how you
can find that information quickly when you need
it. You can also write reports, ebooks, alter
graphics and plan your time more efficiently.

When you say put the title above the graphic,
do you mean my headline?

Hi Ray,

You're absolutely right, no sales letter in a true
sense of the word. I flat out struggle to write
one in the conventional way. So I tried using
just a headline, testimonials and a set of videos.

I was hoping that would be enough for someone to
download and give it a try. Like a video squeeze
page? It's obvious though from both your remarks
that I'm not getting the message across. Thats
a good point I must work on.

I'm just struggling to capture what I want to say.
The software does numerous things, and I can't
find a way to express that. Which part of it is
more important to include in the headline? Or
should I try and convey it all in the headline.
This is why I have come on here to ask for a
little advice.

Thank you both,
Andy

Okay, first of all no one cares about the graphic and the "Look at what you get"... It's just a bunch of digital software boxes...

That graphic is doing you no favors sitting at the top of your page, and it's hurting your most valuable real estate. So move it down further towards the order button.

Next, your headline... I can already find all of my data with ease. That's what my computer does.

You need to come up with another angle... The "big idea" behind your software.

What, in your mind, is the biggest benefit of the product?

And there's nothing else to critique. There's no copy. Bad copy will outsell no copy everyday of the week, so if you can't afford to hire a pro at least write SOMETHING...

You've got less than 10 seconds to hook me in... My time is more valuable to me than my money... So if you don't get me excited about your product, how it can save me time, money, whatever within 10 seconds I'm gone.

I'm not going to read the headline, and then the subhead and then watch the videos just to see what the heck the software is supposed to do.

Another thing, when I did click the video link, it took me off of your sales letter. When I closed the video (instead of hitting "back" in Firefox) even if I wanted to buy at that point I've lost your site. I'm gone.

Beyond that there's not a lot to critique.

-Scott

Hi Scott.

The videos should have opened up in a new window.
I'll check that. They did yesterday. Maybe I cut the
code by accident. Good spot.

The idea to put the graphic up top like that was taken
from a very successful sales letter that is still online
working its magic.

Now yes, they do have a VERY good sales letter to
follow granted. I just thought it might work here too.

Obviously it doesn't.

My mind has been caught in two possible ways to do
this. First being a long sales letter explaining everything
which is what his forum is about. Or a quick summary
with video. Knowing how much I hate to write copy, I
took the easy way out.

From the frist few responses I'm getting this approach
isn't working and I must spend time writing a decent
letter. If I have to, then I will.

Thanks for your input,
Andy

Some quick thoughts regarding graphics high up on a sales letter...

If you look at Mass Article Control | Article Marketing Domination | Get Free Traffic Now it's doing well... At least if you go by Clickbank Gravity...

And they've got a big fat graphic right at the top of the page.

But I'm going to guess that 99% of their traffic has been pre-sold on it via emails, blog posts, whatever.

Now, if someone does just happen to stumble upon the page, they've still got the big idea right up top...

That pretty much sums it up. I don't know what letter you got the idea from, but if you scroll down their page you'll notice something. A TON of sales copy.

There's a lot of unconventional stuff that's (apparently) working the Article Mass Control site. The headline is really weird, at least the way it's formatted.

Another unconventional site that did very well was fatloss4idiots.com... Just a big splash graphic on their home page... But again most of the traffic was pre-sold and the big idea is conveyed right there on the graphics.

In both instances the traffic is pre-sold and the biggest benefit is still right there, easy to see.

On your site, the graphic serves no real purpose in that spot. Which is why I suggest moving it down.

And when you see something that works for someone else, if you're not sure why it's working, then you can start to make some mistakes...

If I were tasked with writing the sales letter for FatLoss4Idiots.com, it'd look a whole lot different than it does. The entire format would have made me uneasy about it.

Lucky for them, they didn't hire me

Good luck!

-Scott

P.S. Looks like Ray and I were writing at about the same time... Looks like we're basically making the same point.

I see where both of you are coming from.

Got some work to do this weekend. And there I was
looking forward to a relaxing one

Thanks,
Andy