Need review of our first ever sales letter

I like the site but the colour gold is too hard on the eyes. I'd change that. There is a thread in the marketing forum on this topic. Take a peek.

You ask the reader a question, then immediately tell them YOUR troubles.

How are YOU doing?

I was frustrated! For years, people had been telling me how important it is to set goals if you want to reach your dreams. I believed them.

I would suggest proceeding to ask at least three more questions.
Did you get started and then quit?
Did you get frustrated?
Did you start to wonder if ANYBODY ever makes a go of this?

Your own copy would be great if you moved it up to this point..

* Does your written goal stir your juices? Or, does it leave you flat? Just writing your goal down is only part of it. Learn how to make that goal really motivate you!
* Have you forgotten your goal? Is life getting in the way? Learn to use techniques that will keep you focused and on track!
* How good is your plan for achieving your goal? Learn how to create a solid plan to definitely achieve your goal!
* Is your plan working? Are you working your plan? Do you know? Learn how to track your progress and analyze your plan's effectiveness!
* Can you make your plan work better? How do you know? Learn how to continually improve your plan's effectiveness. Maybe you can achieve your goal even faster!

THEN explain why you can help -- experience then success -- whatever.
Then provide a good reason why you want to help the reader
Then provide the exact steps they need to take to own your successful methods. Add testimonials where appropriate.


But let me back up a bit;
I'll tell you how I got here.

I left college as

This comes right after a testimonial and it is now too abrupt, the reader will not collect it to what YOU have written before because their minds have been tangled up with the testimonials, so this is a change of gears for them, maybe even a change of buses.

You have really done a good job with your testimonials, the pictures make them very believable. But as was pointed out above, that olive gold background really hurts the eye.

Are you married to the book's title?
Seven Simple Steps To Get Everything You Want Out of Life
might do a little better for you.

Your book cover is good, but too small where you are using it. That cover is put where you want to open up and show that you are successful. I don't put up just a little book -- I present a book, AND a catchy background.
The Bottomless Banking System Explained will show what I'm talking about. Click on the image at top to see other variations you could be using.

I see a lot of enthusiasm but it's unlikely that will carry
over to sales because the letter has a lot of problems.

The Headline really turns me off. It's generic and it
has no "YOU" in it. It's in the third person - somebody
else - which makes it weak and unfocused.

Also I find your valuation of "worksheets" at $27.oo preposterous
and I think your visitors would have to be awfully green
to buy the claimed value of bonuses that look to me
like very generic self-motivational stuff. If your bonuses
are something special you'll have to prove it!

You have testimonials but that's not the same as proof.

Get Herschell Gordon Lewis's book "Direct Mail Copy That Sells" -
of many copywriting books I own that is the one that
addresses most succinctly the issues you are struggling with
here - persistent use of the passive voice and proof of value.

If I see one more "Who Else..." headline somebodies gonna get hurt!

Just kidding but I really think your headline is boring and it does not entice me to want to keep reading (which is the only purpose of the headline after all)

Brock

You should NEVER use all CAPS in your headline.
Opening line should be the same size as the rest of the text.
You should maybe give a value too the bonuses you are giving as well.