Critique Request: Squeeze Page

by edmltw
12 replies
Hello Experienced Copywriters,

I Just did up a squeeze page and I really hope that it will convert well, could please help me take a look and give me your two cents about it? Any advice is deeply appreciated! Thanks! Oh the link is within my Signature

Regards,
Edmund
#critique #page #request #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author David Babineau
    Hi there,

    Here are a few comments:

    1. The "pre-headline" is in the blue part of the page and difficult to read (and distracting). Put it in the main body (white background) in italics.

    2. Your Headline. This will be the most important part you will need to test. As is I find it a bit clunky and hard to read. Try adding a bit of emphasis etc to it to make it more easy on the eyes and capatilize each letter.

    Are You Still Wandering In The World Of Internet Marketing With No Clue What To Do Next? Are You Flooded with Information Overload And Just Don't Know How To Start?
    Still reads a bit awkward but way work. Will want to test. MAybe try against something more benefit-driven like:
    Who Else Wants To Discover How To Make Money Online... Even If You're An "Internet Newbie"... for FREE!?
    3. Benefits / Bullets section. Use "Discover" not "Learn" (learning implies work!)

    Maybe put space between bullets.

    4. Have whole page & signup appear "above the fold".

    5. You could add something to the effect of why they need to get the eBook today (sense of urgency).

    Hope this helps.

    Cheers,

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    • Profile picture of the author edmltw
      Originally Posted by BargainCopywriter View Post

      4. Have whole page & signup appear "above the fold".
      Thanks for the advice BargainCopywriter, however I am still a little confused about the above line.. What is above the fold? Thanks!
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      • Profile picture of the author David Babineau
        Originally Posted by edmltw View Post

        Thanks for the advice BargainCopywriter, however I am still a little confused about the above line.. What is above the fold? Thanks!
        Hi there,

        "Above the fold" just means that the user should be able (ideally) to see all information, including the signup form, in "one glance" while opening up the page. In other words, don't make the reader scroll down the page in order to view the sign up form because many won't.

        Cheers,
        David
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        • Profile picture of the author edmltw
          Hey David!

          Whoopsies, so the personal letter part is better to be on the bottom of the page? cause I placed it above the fold.. So its actually better for the letter to be under the fold am I right? Sorry if I am speaking like some confused dude, I just want to fully understand the point.. Thanks!

          Edmund

          Originally Posted by BargainCopywriter View Post

          Hi there,

          "Above the fold" just means that the user should be able (ideally) to see all information, including the signup form, in "one glance" while opening up the page. In other words, don't make the reader scroll down the page in order to view the sign up form because many won't.

          Cheers,
          David
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  • Profile picture of the author BestNoMoneySystem
    Other than the following, I think your page is ok. The 'ebook' itself looks bland - there's a lot of white around the book and in the book graphic itself, and it's on a light background. I'd try to make that more appealing, or 'eye candy' as I call it. People like colorful 'products'.

    Best of luck!
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    Kevin
    http://ColoradoGourmetKettleCorn.com
    Hand Popping 101+ Flavors of Gourmet Kettle Corn

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  • Profile picture of the author Ashley Wright
    I think the headline could be improved on but that's where the testing would come in, looking from this I don't see anything that makes me say "This ebook is better than the rest" if that makes sense?
    Like Kevin said I would improve on what the book looks like, images catch peoples attention if nothing else so make your ebook stand out!
    Give people like an ultimatum ie If you do not buy then continue to be left behind in the rat race just something of the top of my head ( it is 12.22 am) hope that helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author LouisB
    I'd avoid ever using a question headline that can easily be answered "no". There's no reason for anyone to read further if you do that.

    While you'll want to test, I wouldn't even bother testing the headline you have there. The one BargainCopywriter suggested is much better so start from there.

    I'd take out the graphic of the ebook. I'd test calling it a special report instead which wouldn't need a picture.

    I'd work a little bit more on your editing. You have random capitalizations and the copy feels like a non-native English speaker wrote it. Try reading it out loud.

    There seems to be a theme of endless wandering and finally finding the solution. If this is targeting newbies, they probably haven't been wandering long enough to connect with that approach.

    Good effort on the bullets. I see you're trying to emphasize benefits. See what happens if you boil each point down to a shorter sentence or even phrase. For example, "How to pick the hosting service with the best service, reliability and flexibility for your buck!"

    I'd avoid trying to scare your newbie readers with things like loosing their site, wasting effort, a disinterested market, etc. If they're real newbies, they probably won't be worried about all that. If you mention it, they will be. Scaring them won't encourage them to continue with you.

    Don't mention the 70% feature. It's not a benefit. They'll start wondering how long the book is.

    Look at how others word their opt in boxes. While technically it is a form, nobody calls it that - especially not to a newbie. Swipe someone else's privacy statement because most of them say about the same thing.
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    • Profile picture of the author edmltw
      Originally Posted by LouisB View Post

      I'd avoid ever using a question headline that can easily be answered "no". There's no reason for anyone to read further if you do that.

      While you'll want to test, I wouldn't even bother testing the headline you have there. The one BargainCopywriter suggested is much better so start from there.


      Okay Changed the title to BargainCopywriter's one..

      I'd take out the graphic of the ebook. I'd test calling it a special report instead which wouldn't need a picture.

      Took it out, Turned into a special report

      I'd work a little bit more on your editing. You have random capitalizations and the copy feels like a non-native English speaker wrote it. Try reading it out loud.

      Edited it into a short letter

      There seems to be a theme of endless wandering and finally finding the solution. If this is targeting newbies, they probably haven't been wandering long enough to connect with that approach.

      Changed the whole theme into one that is more formal..

      Good effort on the bullets. I see you're trying to emphasize benefits. See what happens if you boil each point down to a shorter sentence or even phrase. For example, "How to pick the hosting service with the best service, reliability and flexibility for your buck!"

      Boiled down my bullets to more precise words.. ( is it precise enough?)

      I'd avoid trying to scare your newbie readers with things like loosing their site, wasting effort, a disinterested market, etc. If they're real newbies, they probably won't be worried about all that. If you mention it, they will be. Scaring them won't encourage them to continue with you.

      Took those "fear marketing" away..

      Don't mention the 70% feature. It's not a benefit. They'll start wondering how long the book is.

      Took it away~!

      Look at how others word their opt in boxes. While technically it is a form, nobody calls it that - especially not to a newbie. Swipe someone else's privacy statement because most of them say about the same thing.

      SWIPED! :p
      Thanks a lot Louis! Just did the improvements to my site.. Even added in a picture to make it more personal. Could you help me check it out again? Thanks!

      Edmund
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Edmund,

    Get rid of the table background colors around the headline and letter. You don't need that letter at all...just a headline, video, optin form, bullet points. If those elements don't make them sign up, a long letter certainly will not. Also dump the picture. It is about them! Not you. Or use your pic in the video or shoot it lower in the page (not in the important above the fold area).

    You may want to also check out...Eric Grahams stuff..Conversion Doctor. Watch this video (Squeeze Page Conversion Secrets by Eric Graham, The Conversion Doctor)

    He helped me go from 15% to 90% some days.

    I am still undecided about starting a headline with "Who Else Wants to...". Personally I HATE IT! But I know it works. I think you need to give people a bit more mystery to make them opt-in though.
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    • Profile picture of the author edmltw
      Originally Posted by RentItNow View Post

      Edmund,

      Get rid of the table background colors around the headline and letter. You don't need that letter at all...just a headline, video, optin form, bullet points. If those elements don't make them sign up, a long letter certainly will not. Also dump the picture. It is about them! Not you. Or use your pic in the video or shoot it lower in the page (not in the important above the fold area).

      Gotten rid of the colours around the headline, gotten rid of that letter, (regarding video, I am in the midst of making one) Dumped the picture

      You may want to also check out...Eric Grahams stuff..Conversion Doctor. Watch this video (Squeeze Page Conversion Secrets by Eric Graham, The Conversion Doctor)

      Checked it out, found it to be extremely useful, in fact, I am starting to implement a couple of tricks I gotten from the video.. Lots of thanks!

      He helped me go from 15% to 90% some days.

      I am still undecided about starting a headline with "Who Else Wants to...". Personally I HATE IT! But I know it works. I think you need to give people a bit more mystery to make them opt-in though.

      Hmm... Do you have any suggestions to further improve on the title? Thanks!
      Thanks again John for the frank criticisms. The bitter medicine is usually the most effective cure. Please review again and tell me how could i do better. Thanks in advance!

      Edmund
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  • Profile picture of the author LouisB
    Edmund,

    That's an improvement copy-wise. Good job.

    I'd turn that long paragraph into a compelling subhead and possibly another bullet or two. If the paragraph and your picture are out of the way, your bullets and opt in form will be "above the fold" which just means you see it without having to scroll down.

    Your 3rd bullet says "will waste" and I think you mean "won't waste".

    Again, fix the capitalizations. Proper nouns only. You're using them apparently randomly throughout your bullets. The last sentence of your bullets needs help. It's okay to use less than formal grammar as long as it's the way people speak conversationally. That sentence doesn't cut it.

    And make sure you're using the same fonts throughout. Your first bullet is a different font from the rest.

    Study that Eric Graham video and look at other promotions that have good bullets.
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    • Profile picture of the author edmltw
      Originally Posted by LouisB View Post

      Edmund,

      That's an improvement copy-wise. Good job.

      I'd turn that long paragraph into a compelling subhead and possibly another bullet or two. If the paragraph and your picture are out of the way, your bullets and opt in form will be "above the fold" which just means you see it without having to scroll down.

      Took that long paragraph away from the fold area.

      Your 3rd bullet says "will waste" and I think you mean "won't waste".

      Noted and changed.

      Again, fix the capitalizations. Proper nouns only. You're using them apparently randomly throughout your bullets. The last sentence of your bullets needs help. It's okay to use less than formal grammar as long as it's the way people speak conversationally. That sentence doesn't cut it.

      Noted and corrected.

      And make sure you're using the same fonts throughout. Your first bullet is a different font from the rest.

      Noted and standardized the font.

      Study that Eric Graham video and look at other promotions that have good bullets.


      will do that..
      Thanks again Louis for all the help.. I am going to start on the video improvement segment.

      Edmund
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