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Tyro humbly requests a copywriting critique

by MagicGenie
8 replies
Hi everyone,

first of all let me say that this is a great forum and I'm very impressed with the advice given by the experienced copywriters here.

I've only recently started to learn about copywriting and am still quite a novice. This is why I humbly ask the members of the forum to critique my first sales page that I put online a few days ago. I'd be really grateful for any advice you could offer on how to improve the page. I know I'm asking a lot for my first time posting here, but I was so impressed by the helpfulness of the members here that I just decided to go ahead with it.

At the moment there aren't any testimonials on the page, but I'm working on that already.

The page is arabicgenie [dot] com

Edit:I did some quick fixes to the page, but the original site is preserved for reference at arabicgenie [dot] com / index2.html

Thanks a lot for the time you invest in advance!

All the best,
Max
#copywriting #critique #humbly #requests #tyro
  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    I think you have a good product idea here. However, a few technical things wrong with the page.

    1) Get rid of that HUGE logo on the top.
    2) Lead with the headline, not the "The Magic Key To Learning The Arabic Alphabet".
    3) You need to tell a story at the top including some benefits "above the fold".
    4) I would use a video up top as well to get people to read the rest of the copy.
    5) At the bottom where they order, you see, "FREE BONUS (a $325 value!!)". This is before you even say how much it is. Also, you are almost hiding the price. Anyone coming on your page is going to have 4 questions...What is it? How will it help me? How much? How do I get it? You need to make ABSOLUTELY sure they can get that information in seconds. If I was just glancing the page I would subconsciously think the product cost $325 and leave. Alot of people make this mistake on their pages.

    The idea about using pictures to remember is so cool and unique. Lead with that. Video it with camtasia and I bet you get 10x the sales.

    Also as a side note, you should build a better sales funnel with this. It just begs to be done with a video squeeze page revealing a few free characters. Send them a couple more in their email. Reveal something about yourself in another email. Show them how it worked using a friend's story in another email, send them a bunch more and then hit them up with the sale. I bet it does way more sales that way.

    Btw, this would have done HUGE in the Toronto business sector as many of my coworkers wanted to learn this.
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Originally Posted by RentItNow View Post

      ...Also as a side note, you should build a better sales funnel with this. It just begs to be done with a video squeeze page revealing a few free characters. Send them a couple more in their email. Reveal something about yourself in another email. Show them how it worked using a friend's story in another email, send them a bunch more and then hit them up with the sale. I bet it does way more sales that way.
      Can't ask for a clearer roadmap than that!

      Originally Posted by RentItNow View Post

      ...Btw, this would have done HUGE in the Toronto business sector as many of my coworkers wanted to learn this.
      Did they just want to read and write, John, or did they also want to learn to speak Arabic?
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      • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
        Originally Posted by Collette View Post

        Did they just want to read and write, John, or did they also want to learn to speak Arabic?
        I would say both. I worked in business software and we sometimes had to have an interpretor tell us what certain documents said. We could use babblefish but why when we had plenty of arabic/farsi/whatever people to REALLY interpret a customer's requirement.

        I had an Iranian friend also that said he wish that someone made a farsi-to-english software that taught the real way we speak english, not from a dictionary.

        For example, he would mix up the saying, "People are crappy" when it was in fact "People are crabby." He thought people were saying crappy. I guess it's the english idioms (kick the bucket, sunday best) that took him the longest to learn. He still asks me what a certain idiom means and why they say that after years in CAN.

        I think if I learned a language I would want to speak and spell things but more important, learn the idioms most commonly used.
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        I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author Collette
    Here's a quickie:

    Although your letter isn't bad, I think you may have a product problem.

    Most people who want to learn a new language want to do so through hearing the words spoken.

    So you need to make a stronger case for why only reading and writing Arabic. And why text-only.

    Additional points:
    -Nine months, eight years, how long did it take you after you had your "Aha!" moment?
    - Who ARE you? Why are you someone the reader can identify with? What's your story? (Think: How a Simple Farm Boy From The Midwest Learned To Read And Write Arabic In Just 1 Day... And How You Can Too!"
    - You've potentially got another great story to lead with: the tale of your little Yemeni friend. Might want to explore that some more...
    - Your demo graphic would make a perfect little video. I'd explore that. You could also use the video as a publicity and advertising tool. And it would neatly sidestep some of the lack of testimonials for "Gee, look how easy this is!"
    - Your price seems high, especially given that people can find free Arabic lessons online. You need to address that.
    - How about adding flash cards that the buyer can print out from their own computer?

    Hope this helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ashley Wright
    Hey there, glad your finding this forum great!
    1st of all that logo would need to go, the first thing you want to attract your readers with is the Headline (looking above I feel like am saying what John has said)
    I would mention the guarantee further up also.
    Last thing I can thing of now is to give the reader more of a story, get into their head and release the problem they have and why you have the Best solution for them.

    Like you said testimonials aswell but they will come in time!
    Hope that helped...
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  • Profile picture of the author MagicGenie
    Wow! I never expected such quick replies - you guys and gals are great!

    Originally Posted by RentItNow

    At the bottom where they order, you see, "FREE BONUS (a $325 value!!)". This is before you even say how much it is. Also, you are almost hiding the price. Anyone coming on your page is going to have 4 questions...What is it? How will it help me? How much? How do I get it? You need to make ABSOLUTELY sure they can get that information in seconds. If I was just glancing the page I would subconsciously think the product cost $325 and leave. Alot of people make this mistake on their pages.
    This is a great point and one that I really hadn't noticed myself. But now I can see how introducing the bonus with the high value before the customers even know the price of my product might be confusing. I'll make sure that the price is made much clearer.

    Originally Posted by RentItNow

    Also as a side note, you should build a better sales funnel with this. It just begs to be done with a video squeeze page revealing a few free characters. Send them a couple more in their email. Reveal something about yourself in another email. Show them how it worked using a friend's story in another email, send them a bunch more and then hit them up with the sale. I bet it does way more sales that way.
    A great suggestion. I was thinking of doing a video, but hadn't thought about the squeeze page model. Will try to impliment this some time soon.

    Originally Posted by Collette

    Although your letter isn't bad, I think you may have a product problem. Most people who want to learn a new language want to do so through hearing the words spoken. So you need to make a stronger case for why only reading and writing Arabic. And why text-only.
    Point taken. I will definitely address this concern.

    Originally Posted by wrigthy10

    1st of all that logo would need to go, the first thing you want to attract your readers with is the Headline
    Yes, you are probably right. The logo might be too distracting and I will remove it.

    Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to look at my sales page and all the advice given so generously! I'll need some time to think about ways of implimenting everything, but will certainly let you know of changes I make.

    All the best,
    Max
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    • Profile picture of the author Jack Bastide
      1 - The Above the Fold portion of your site is PRIME Real Estate. If you don't Grab the there they will click away never to be seen ... Remove Logo as it is a waste of space

      2 - Have we a Prehead to define your audience and let them know they are in the right place

      "Attention People Who Want To Learn Arabic Quickly ...."

      3 - Introduce yourself up at Top .. Who are you and Why Should Listen to you?

      4 - Put your picture up at top

      5 - Break up your paragraphs a little more

      Possible IDEA:

      I Would expand on the Story about the 7 Year old boy from Yemen

      "What A 7 Year Old From Yemen Taught Me About Arabic ... And How It Can Help You Too!"

      (That's a lame headline But you get the idea ... Bring the Story to life)

      hope that helps

      Jack
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      If you can drive Biz Op Phone Calls .... I'm Buying

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  • Profile picture of the author MagicGenie
    Thank you Jack!

    I'll definitely use your advice when I get the time to make more changes to the page.
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