20 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
20 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Copywriting Gods... Opinions Please?

by kemdev
17 replies
Hey Warriors,

I'm working on a headline for my latest Internet marketing
project. The new product revolves around eight new ways
to make a quick $1,000 online. Anyway... I've narrowed my
selection down to a few headlines that I like the best thus
far...


Revealed: Eight Unorthodox, Unsexy, & Ridiculously-Easy Ways To Make A Ton Of Money And Stuff...

__________________________________________________ ___

"These Eight Completely Unique Money-Getting Systems Are Going To Piss A Lot Of People Off..."

__________________________________________________ _____

"How Many More Info-Products Are You Going To Buy Before You Finally Start Making Some Damn Money Online?"

__________________________________________________ _______

"I Dare You To Put My Eight
Money-Getting Methods To The Test
And Not Make $1,000 Within
Your First Week Online"

__________________________________________________ ________

Which one - if any - do you guys think would work best?
I definitely appreciate any and all criticism you guys can
give me... I know there are some really sharp copywriting
minds here!

Thanks in advance.

All the best,
Jesse Kemmerer
#copywriting #gods #opinions
  • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
    Well -- first of all, it's almost impossible to comment without seeing the context (that is, the rest of the sales page).

    That being said... here's how your readers may very well respond to your headlines:

    Headline #1: "Make a Ton of Money and Stuff" -- and Stuff? What does that mean? What's the "stuff"?

    #2: A lot of people will be pissed off? Does that include me? Well, I'm not going to buy something that's going to piss me off... I can find that for free on my own.

    #3: You're right, I shouldn't be buying so many info-products. I'll start by not buying yours.

    #4: You're daring me to NOT make $1k next week using your product? So if I do make $1k, I lose the dare? This isn't making sense...

    My .02...
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1224981].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author SamKane
    I think headline 4 is the best...but I've never liked
    the term "Money-getting".
    "Eight Easy Tricks To
    Make $1000 A Week Online"
    Signature
    These 2 "Weird" Magic Words Can Help You Achieve ANYTHING You Want... Instantly! (Not safe for work or around kids)
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1225309].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Dainis
    ...and Stuff is off for me (I don't want stuff)

    don't feel like being pissed off..

    same on #3...ok...won't buy yours either

    4 is the best, but what do I get if you lose? Are you going to send me $100 or something like that?

    I need to understand your offer in the headline, and I want to take you up on the offer. There seems to be "mystery" in all of your headlines, but instead of pulling me in, it makes me feel like you are hiding something.

    Let me know what your deal is, show me that you are clean and that you are going to prove results and that I have no risk. Then I might read your offer.
    Signature
    Profitable Virtual and Physical Business Integration
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1225892].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
      You say in your paragraph that you have a "New" 8 step process for making $1000 on line.

      And you don't use the word "New" in your headline? The word new is a crucial word to use in your headline.

      Un-sexy... Piss people off... You dare me... Ok, but how is that a benefit to your prospect. How many info products are they going to buy until they make money?... I don't know, probably alot. When you ask a question make sure it's a "Yes" answer. "Do you want to lose weight fast?"... damn right.

      Anyway, people may like ...Discover a new way to make $1000 online with a simple 8 step system.

      Take care,

      Bill
      Signature
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1226350].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
        Hi Jesse,

        Of the 4 I like the 1st and the 4th the best.

        I don't think either is perfect but both have a "snap" and attitude
        about them... a little offbeat and surprising - interrupting the
        general complacency pattern.

        Let's start with the first - it has some good ideas in it
        but could be much better.


        "Revealed: Eight Unorthodox, Unsexy, & Ridiculously-Easy Ways To Make A Ton Of Money And Stuff..."

        - "revealed" - I confess I've used this word often in headlines,
        so I'm biased. I like it... kinda cheesy but hey, this is
        salesmanship!

        "unorthodox" - I really like this word choice. It's a little
        challenging to the reader. Some people are too dumb to know
        what unorthodox means, so you're saying "you've got to be
        not a total dummy to do this".

        - "unsexy" - I like this idea but I have a doubt that it's
        a wise word to use in a headline. "Sexy", yes. "Unsexy", no.
        Who wants unsexy? It's the opposite of enticing, and many
        readers may not grasp the irony or real meaning here, which
        I would expect, for a make-money thing, is that the methods
        are repeatable, unmysterious and just require a little work.

        "ridiculously" has 5 syllables in it. Kind of a big word.
        I don't think it's needed here. Often you can slash such
        adjectives from your writing and have stronger prose.

        "make a ton of money" - not very imaginative. I also,
        being a bit literal-minded, find the word "ton" used metaphorically
        to describe a large quantity of cash to be... um, kind
        of juvenile, high-schoolish. Kind of a giveaway that
        you may be under 25. I'd find another image.

        "...and stuff" - weak and un-needed. You can do better.

        ###

        4th headline:

        "I Dare You To Put My Eight
        Money-Getting Methods To The Test
        And Not Make $1,000 Within
        Your First Week Online"

        This headline seems like a challenge from one young
        man to another, like to race your cars against each
        other. Is that the effect you are after? Is your
        target market young men?

        Most readers won't, I think, want to take a risk
        on sending money to some dude who is issuing
        dares.

        I guess I don't resonate with the word "dare" -
        it's excessively aggressive and readers with adult
        responsibilities will be saying "you can keep your
        dare".

        John Caples might write it more like: "Will You
        Try These 8 Money-Getting..." - kind of more
        genteel? See? respects the reader, asks a
        sincere question because the writer knows his
        money matters to him.

        I wonder why you use a negative frame here:

        ..."Not make $1000"

        Aren't you really just saying, "Try my 8 Money-Making
        Methods and You'll Make $1000 In Your First Week" ?

        ###

        Hope these comments help. You're on your way.
        Signature
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1226438].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Rogers
    "Unorthodox" and "Completely Unique" are dangerous terms. IMers and biz-oppers want proven. Cut, paste and profit.

    Yes, they want in on the latest proven method... but no, they are not interested in being a pioneer for your new tactic.

    Convince them they cannot lose by proving how many others are winning with these methods.

    The idea of "missing out on the easy money" is much more appealing than the idea of being unorthodox.

    Start with what you KNOW they really want. Otherwise you are guessing and that can be expensive.

    Best,

    Kevin
    Signature

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1226393].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Ashley Wright
    Never ever use stuff in a headline or even in a product or anything!
    There are many good points in each of them so what would be best is just taking the bad parts out and try and make an "ultimate" headline from all your good pieces
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1226478].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author geekology
    I like the one by SamKane above.
    Signature


    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1226651].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author euan.agnew
    i like"These Eight Completely Unique Money-Getting Systems Are Going To Piss A Lot Of People Off..."

    sounds good
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1226685].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author TheMagicShow
    Hey Jesse,

    your headline should have 2 things:
    1.Benefit
    2. End result

    Here is a headline i put together from your 4th headline:

    "Make $1,000 Guaranteed By Next Week Using My 8 Money
    Making Secrets, Or Your Money Back"

    1. This headline gives the reader a great benefit: they can make $1,000
    2. The end result is that they are going to make that $1,000 by next week

    Always, make sure that you deliver on your promises! Craft your headlines by being truthful and make sure your product can deliver... on the promise and if not then make sure you deliver on your money back guarantee!

    Cheers,
    Magic
    Signature

    " You can either give a man a fish and feed him for a day OR teach him how to catch a fish and it will feed him for a lifetime"

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1226731].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    Hey Warriors,

    Thanks for all the comments and criticism! I really do appreciate all
    the help you guys are giving me here...

    Firstly, I definitely don't want to have the same type of headline as
    everyone else. As a person who reads a lot of sales pages myself, I
    find that I'm far to familiar with the typical, "I Made $40,000 In My
    First Week --- You Can Too!" headlines, and personally don't find
    any 'meat' to them. Also, I don't want to claim that I made any
    figure of money within my first month using this system because
    honestly, it took a lot of trial and error to get all of the methods in
    the system working how I wanted them.

    So with that being said, I'm striving to be a little bit different in my
    approach to the main headline for this latest product. I really like
    the way Frank Kern exudes his persona throughout his letters and
    I'd like to try to do the same. It's for that reason that a few of the
    headlines I proposed my sound a little "off-beat." But you guys have
    definitely given me some insight as to how I can improve them so I'll
    be hard at work at that tonight! I'll post back a little later with some
    of my improvements.

    Once again, I'm extremely grateful to all who took some time out
    of their day to help push me in the right direction. Thanks again guys!

    All the best,
    Jesse Kemmerer
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1227659].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Dainis
    Folks have agreed that you are on the right track, and you have plenty of headlines to test already. Liking meatiness is one thing. Testing the headlines and going with percentages is another.
    Signature
    Profitable Virtual and Physical Business Integration
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1229229].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author TheMagicShow
    Jesse,

    There is a reason, why you keep seeing...the same style of headlines on many sales letters. Those headlines work. They have been proven to work and been used by the masters of copy for decades.

    Don't try to re-invent the wheel, build a swipe file and create your own powerful headlines.
    Signature

    " You can either give a man a fish and feed him for a day OR teach him how to catch a fish and it will feed him for a lifetime"

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1230366].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Bigsofty
    So often the answer is in the question...


    Revealed! 8 New Ways to a Quick $1,000 Online

    Is a great start all by itself. Now get a bit more specific, such as "in 48 hours" or "without spending a cent!" or whatever.

    Then see how you can make it directly tweak interest in the actual page itself, not the product (such as "See these 8 new ways" etc).



    B.
    Signature

    This man is living his dream. Are you...?
    www.copywriter-ac.com

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1233582].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author brucekaushik
    Friend it all depends on the target market according to me ..

    1# is good if you want to target those who want to get easy money without much hardwork.

    2# is good if you want to get the attention of advanced marketers who know some work .. because a newbie won't understand that headline very well

    3# is good (might work) for those who has brought many products and have not taken any action

    4# is good if you target those group who have been scammed before by a junk product and did not make any money ...

    overall i would like to say that it also depends on the kind of product and the type person seeing that ..

    i would like to say finally that make sure that you know what target group the product might perform well.

    I hope that i made sense ...
    Signature

    I am looking for Indians who are willing to work together. 4 people x 2 hours = 8 hours a day.
    Those who did not get success yet, we better spend less time and test more things, as we get success we can branch out (or choose to continue as a team).

    brucekaushik.com is my personal blog.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1236586].message }}

Trending Topics