Closed Thanks

Hi Kim,

Ok I'll have first crack at the whip for you! I hope my feedback is taken in good spirit and helps you develop your skills...

1. The headline is bland, weak and very generic sounding, and there's no USP present at all in the top fold of the page, which would ideally be found somewhere in the headline.

2. The part about a "real user" seems irrelevant, especially when you say "pretend he is saying internet marketer" (even though I know it's not irrelevant, it still seems like it)

3. The part explaining the power of video isn't backed up by any facts behind your claims

4. "Some would say this system is worth $997" - maybe so, but it's not convincing. And anyone selling a system worth $997 would not be discounting it to $37 (gives off too many negatives, such as you can't get rid of it, or that the information is actually pretty cheap). That is, at least, unless you had an absolutely crystal clear, compelling reason for the huge price knockdown

5. I think you could do a lot more in terms of justifying the price

6. Even though I can get that this is about video marketing, it's not making me feel very excited about it (there's a huge lack of benefits being described)

7. The actual product itself is described loosely, and vaguely. I want to see bullet points, a box listing all the features, clear logos and graphics etc.

8. There's very little sense of urgency at play

In conclusion, I'd say the easiest way to rectify these issues is a little more study and practice and of course, dig a lot deeper with your research with your client. You need to find a hook, their USP, what makes them different from the other 167,457 video marketing guides out there...etc.

But if this is your first attempt, it's certainly a good effort! Keep on learning and earning!

Thanks,

Nick

My first impression is that the header graphics are both confusing and disturbing. I found myself trying to read the text on what I guess is supposed to be a screen shot of a video squeeze page. Then I was a little disturbed by the armpit hair. I would say drop everything above the countdown clock, as it all distracts from your main headline.

Excellent feedback Nick thank you. It's good to know there is at least potential. Study study yes... not sure if that every ends but plenty more to do.

ScoTech.. thanks, I know the graphics is a whole other world outside of me.

I'll just talk about your headline:

You are about to discover how 2 Internet "Newbies" easily and quickly took control of a market and raked in thousands of dollars...

1. Use something to qualify like:

Attention: Onlime income seekers,

2. "Quickly And Easily" is better than "Easily And Quickly"

3. This (quickly took control of a market and raked in thousands of dollars...) is too original. Be specic

You're About To Discover How John And Mark...

All the best,

Franck

Looks good and really very good for first timer.

One point...

Whenever I read the words "From the Desk Of..." to me it looks like I am going through those Nigerian scam mails. You may want to look into that.