I Need A Critique

You need to presell this in the area before the header to let people know who this type of product is for.

Something like this:

Best of Luck!

Hey thanks for the advice I added a pretty fancy new header...NOT! But I'll be interested to see how it pulls.

It's a remix of a Top 100 Jay abraham headline....

I follow you on the P.S., I gotta try it this way because of the way I've positioned the bonus as a last minute thing.....

I thought about the scanners but figured they'd see the 2 testimonials, then hit the order form, where I bascially have a bunch of P.S's if you read em.

THANKS A TON

Oh and the thing about the Concierge.....I fixed it...That was a killer heads up....I forgot to tie my product and the thought together...

Woo, woo

I've given you a start in the right direction by critiquing the first
6 pages of the letter. A lot of the mistakes are repeated
throughout the letter so I hope you find this helpful.

See the attached PDF file.

-Ray Edwards

Mate, I'd dig to re-write that. I'd lose at least half of it. The most compelling things you have on that page are the pics of the real estate and the heads. But why put them below the fold? Forget the rest of the B/S. It smacks of "trying too hard". K.I.S.S.

And lose all the fancy fonts - detracts from the sell. P.M. me if you want to rock 'n' roll. I'll help you out.

There are several places where the spelling is off. For instance, you say "your" when you should have said "you are" or "you're".

And in the "real estate concierge" section, one thought just doesn't flow completely.

Specifically, "you don't need . . . to a single nights sleep wondering . . ." should probably read "you don't need . . . to LOSE a single NIGHT'S sleep wondering . . ."

Also,

sounds better as "Here's a picture OF two offices I was forced to spend most of my time IN (or ON) once I started wholesaling. It beatS the hell out of a cubical." As in, no apostrophe needed after the "t" in "beats".

And on the part where it says

Sounds good. But a logical conclusion there is, of course it did...because it went back to the bank for the loan balance that they are probably not going to get due to the market drop and/or the bank's ineptitude. I get what you're trying to say, but perhaps "sold" is the wrong word here if that is the case. And if that is the case, wording it that way takes away from the letter's credibility.

I did about $3700 with this product this month on terrible copy, so i'm pretty amped to see what i can do now that you guys have helped me out....

woo, woo