Releasing a new product soon, Would appreciate any input PLEASE

I think doing the video where they can watch you actually use the system to make money is excellent for proof/credibility. But I don't think that's what your headline should be about.

Your headline should give the reader the most powerful and attractive benefit they're going to get out of your product. For instance, the sentence in your header: "Tested and proven methods show you how to start with nothing and earn 4 figures in 7 days or less!"

That would be a huge improvement as a headline because it's identifying and addressing directly what your readers would actually want from your product. (Not saying you should use that, just that it's a big step in the right direction.)

Your current headline makes it sound like the biggest benefit they'll get for reading your letter is they'll get to watch a video of you making money. That's not the same as them making money in real life.

My .02 -- hope that makes sense.

First off, as a customer, I wouldn't be interested. 300 visitors in one day... woo. It's still an 82% BOUNCE rate. And it's not even 300 visitors... total of 272 visitors. Of that, only 48 people stayed and read anything.

Your headline and sub-headline can definitely use some help. Claiming the results to be in 24 hours is pretty ridiculous. Yeah, you did it in a total time of 20 hours, but it was a month of pre-launch. And what are the odds that the next mini-launch you do is also 20 hours? Not very likely, but then again, I don't know your process. Maybe it's very precise and it will always take 20 hours.

Anyway, it's not bad and I'm sure the approach is pretty good (talking about your actual product and method of the launch sniper), but I really suggest you do a few things.

Show snippets and short explanations of how you're doing it in video. BETTER YET, do it in full and cut it off JUST before you reveal the most important process. That will really get them going and ready to buy just to learn what else it is that's behind the scene.

Then again, you should already have the videos, so cut those up.

All-in-all, I think you have the right approach, but it's very cluttery and hard to read. Your modules and sub-titles don't stand out at all. Your sub-titles should be additional headlines. To be honest, your entire sales letter is BORING. Nothing stands out and just mellows out.

I can clean this up real quick, but I won't be free until next week. So good luck!

Some quick points. Don't take this as in indepth critique - it's not.... just a few of the things that immediately jumped out at me..

1. Your headline and subhead are terrible. No emotional impact and they're VERY hard to read. Work on them... a lot.

2. You start talking about your product from step one. That's akin to walking up to the hottie at the bar and ask if she wants to sleep with you.

First... talk about the problems they're facing... THEN introduce yourself as the solution.

It's not a bad "draft", but it needs a lot of cleaning up. And use shorter paragraphs

-Dan

Mate, this is what I call a "cookie-cutter" site. "Who else wants their sales page to look and read like everyone else's?".

Unlike my esteemed colleague above, I don't see a problem with you "talking about your product from step one". You've cut to the chase without the tired old BS "back story". I can dig it. But the copy is from the school of "This has worked for others so maybe it will work for me". Find your own voice, my son. Write from the heart. Ignore what the rest of the pack are doing. And that goes for the cheesy header and the near-worthless testimonials. "$1400 in 24 hours"? Results not typical I presume? And if it's a video course, why not embed at least one video on the page?

I think I'm echoing what some of the other writers are saying:
the headline doesn't work.

The "head" section (under the headline) is cliched as well as
too verbose.

I looked over the letter and found there are some decent appeals
in there. Locating the right appeal can be one of the hardest
parts of writing effective copy. If you get the appeal right,
and people get the message loud and clear, you can make
all sorts of other copy errors and still sell a lot of product.

As Robert Collier puts it (paraphrase): "It's not the skill with
words that brings in the orders, it's the idea behind them."

A good exercise for you might be to imagine you had to advertise
this in print with a single 8.5 x 11" ad. No videos, no box-shots,
less or no room for testimonials. You'd use every inch of that
space to transmit excitement that this is the easiest, slickest,
money-making method for the regular Joe ever.

Try doing that. You'll be forced to get clearer.

I don't like your site. Sorry for that
It is too much bla...blaa...bla.. with NO AHA!!! that can bring people to get insight and said this is a great training...

Too much crap on it and too ridiculous, if you write just in 24hour...

Hi Mike,

Just a few notes:

1. I didn't read in detail, but the fact that you're showing people on video step-by-step is GREAT - tremendous value.

2. You subhead being bolded and that long makes it intimidating to read.

3. The white text in your banner is hard to read / looks unprofessional.

4. You need to add subheads that stand out throughout your copy, yet are consistent (if you pick red, stick with it, make it the same size, etc.)

5. I didn't notice any scarcity except "for a limited time this is the price". At least tell them why they need to buy it know, even if you don't have real deadlines for price, number of copies sold, etc.

Hope this helps,
David