Please Review My Sales Copy-Copy Writing Service

Unfortunately, it reads like it's written by someone who's not a native English speaker. I mean, I don't have any problem understanding what's being said, and that could be all right for email or forum postings, etc. but for sales copy it really needs to be written by a native speaker, just for starters.

Thanks for your words KenStrong.

I hope this approach would be appeasing to the world wide audience as the online market is not constricted to just US and UK.

I would definitely keep this in mind in making it more native rather than naive.

Hiya teamnirvana

I must say that I agree totally with Ken.

As it stands, your copy will probably not 'appease' the US and UK marketplace and it should do if you hope to penetrate and be a success in the 'worldwide audience' as there are quite a few native English speakers out there . . .

You would do well to take Ken's advice!

Kevin

Totally agree with Kevin and Ken. You write it like story-telling, not to convince someone about your service (for me, indeed). Take some english-writing course with native speakers. Hope you succeed with it.

Also, you use capitalization in all the wrong places. I have to say it's not very appealing to someone who may consider hiring you. I agree with the previous posters with regard to the poor use of the English language.

Your page is also devoid of any testimonials and that coupled with the choppy copy makes it risky for anyone to think of hiring you.

Cheers.

This may get me banned... I guess it's a chance I'll take. Don't take it as a personal attack, although it'll be hard not to.

Have you ever taken a piece of sales copy, rewritten it, and increased the conversion rate on the same traffic at the same price point?

If you have you need to prove it.

If you haven't then you're lying.

English aside, it's not good.

No one gives a **** about their sales letters being SEO optimized, they're designed to sell.

Back to point number one...

Again, if you can help, prove it. If you can't, you're lying.

I could waste my time all day and punch holes in your letter. And I'm not saying you'll never make it, I don't know. You won't with that sales letter though.

Look, being a big shot copywriter has been being pitched as a biz opp so often these days it's sickening.

I happen to have a knack for it. I also sold face to face for over a decade, marketed products online and study this stuff like crazy on a daily basis. I've paid for an education in marketing.

I'd rather be pitching for the Yankees, but it ain't gonna happen.

Contrary to what you read online, not EVERYONE can be a copywriter.

Not everyone can be a model, or an actor, or a major league athlete or a doctor or a horse racer...

If that's what you want to do, then go for it. Don't let me or anyone else tell you otherwise...

I will tell you that even when you start to become somewhat successful, it's still a stressful job. You write your own checks. They can be $1 Million+ per year or zero. Up to you.

I'm not trying to discourage you or anything else. I'm trying to help you see the reality of the situation.

-Scott

Thanks a ton Mark, Scott, Eagle, Paul, Sanjid, Kevin. I can't say how much I had learnt from your replies and constructive criticism.

I suppose I would take a back seat for a few months from this occupation. I thought I can write.

But, writing is totally different from writing 'better'. As all of you offered your advice and suggestions, One thing stands out, I will not appease to the native english speakers.

I am going to work on this from today and when I am confident, I would redo the sales pitch and again ask for critiques.

Thanks a lot fellas.

It's good to see that you didn't give up. It's not easy to write long copy and keep your readers engrossed in it all along. It's a skill that requires a lot of practice, testing and, of course, patience.

Good luck!

HI TM.

I'm not going to be quite as harsh as some of the others, though I do
agree with the basic premise that the most important thing you can do
right now is practice, practice, practice your written English.

Probably the best way you can do that is to read...A LOT. And although it may
sound socially awkward, you need to surround yourself as much as possible by
other people who are speaking and communicating in English. EXCLUSIVELY.
I know that's not going to be easy all the time in India. (I'm assuming you're in India
by the web address.) But it's essential to your development as an English language
professional.

I will say that I DON'T think you're lying in your copy, per se. You're offering promises rather than proof, and with promises, the proof is in the results. And IF you can get the results, you're
not being dishonest.

But I do think there's enough wrong with your presentation that for the moment,
that a prospective client would be correct to question the likelihood of your
producing the results you claim are possible.

Here's what I DO think is possible for you...

IF you can bring your English up a bit, you can probably still begin
marketing yourself even if it remains a bit stilted. You can do this
IF AND ONLY IF you have a truly compelling USP. (Unique Selling
Proposition.)

And yours could be a great "reason why" angle.

Specifically...

"I can be your man in India...

Despite my great results, I can come in at a lower price point because of the cost of living...

I understand the Indian market, and can be your consultant to help you angle a secondary set of communications to the largest English Speaking market on the planet...

I know where the Indian market hangs out online...what they buy...how to reach them...how to communicate with them...and how to angle your product to take advantage...

Before you make your copywriting decisions, wouldn't you rather work with someone who will get you comparable results (once you can prove it), will double as a consultant, and can offer you access to 1.1 billion more potential customers than the other guy...ALL for a fraction of the price?"

However it goes for you, I wish you luck, and applaud you for making the leap.

In the short run, by the way, you might consider marketing yourself
exclusively (and inexpensively) to Indian and Indian-American
entrepreneurs. With them, you may be able to sell them on the fact
that when you create first-person sales materials in THEIR name,
your Indian-edged voice will lend authenticity, rather than simply
detracting from the message.

There's a large liberal-minded purchasing contingent out there
who will accept a "written accent" as long as there's a viable reason to do so.
You'll still lose some of your potential market for a product, but not nearly all.

That's not going to be a huge market, but it won't be non-existant, either.
You'll have to sell them on the idea that "Indian-English plus GREAT MARKETING
FUNDAMENTALS equals sales", but I don't think it'll be impossible.

I can't get beyond the indecipherable headline and deck copy. You are not ready to write copy for a client when you can't even write it for yourself. Sorry.

I'm sure when you create your copy -- in your native language -- that your sales message is very clear and concise. However, in the translation to English, it's getting garbled.

I pulled the two blurbs above from your copy. The first one is very "stiff." Most of your copy is like this... it's overly formal in tone. You need to loosen up a bit.

The second one doesn't really make sense. You're saying a sales page is different from a sales letter. They're not. Again, it's probably a translation problem. So you need to look for this kind of error in your copy when you proofread.

You also need to pay more attention to detail. You have punctuation that is wrong or missing altogether. Write your copy, rewrite it, then proofread it.

Good luck to you,

Johnny