Could use your advice...Is there any more I could improve on here?

14 years ago

I would change headline to Spot, Click and Profit System Has Been PROVEN Once Again Bringing Over X in just Y.

Or better yet just drop that whole section all together because it really has no purpose and jump right to the "Watch as I...." Thats the cool part but it gets burried in all the crap.

"bucket load of cash over the years" is about as vague as you can get...Change it.

What outcome does your market want specifically...Spend more time talking to that.

I gotta roll good luck.

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askloz

14 years ago

Thanks Juke.

Thanks

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Chris Ramsey

14 years ago

Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.

If you're wanting to use the first line as your headline, I'd bump it up to about 22px or something a little smaller. You want it to be big, but not HUGE.

Also, why are there three different package images? If there are more than one level of membership, that's fine. But if you're just selling one type, stick with a single image.

I'd recommend removing the "Add To Cart" buttons with the exception of one a the end. Readers know where to go to buy. Adding in more than one button just frustrates. Although, this may be something to test out.

Just to let you know, I don't know jack about Forex, but your sales letter made me want to buy your product

So you've got something great going so far.

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askloz

14 years ago

Hi Chris...

it's Loz by the way

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.

If you're wanting to use the first line as your headline, I'd bump it up to about 22px or something a little smaller. You want it to be big, but not HUGE.

Ok, erm, but which, smaller or bigger?

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Also, why are there three different package images? If there are more than one level of membership, that's fine. But if you're just selling one type, stick with a single image.

one is the main course, the other is member request videos, the other is the live $10k to $1million challenge that proves my strategies work.

I know, looks confusing right now, just waiting on designer to add / make changes to those to reflect the modules.

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

I'd recommend removing the "Add To Cart" buttons with the exception of one a the end. Readers know where to go to buy. Adding in more than one button just frustrates. Although, this may be something to test out.

Ok, thanks, I'll try that

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Just to let you know, I don't know jack about Forex, but your sales letter made me want to buy your product

So you've got something great going so far.

Thanks, I came up with that myself.

I've actually paid someone else to do a new copy for me... I think personally my page lacks something, I just dont know what it is.

You see, I don't want to come across too hypy, that seems to be the norm with most sites I see...

I just wrote that page just the way I see it and hope to come across as honest as possible... but what I lack, I think, is tapping into the persuasion art of it all, and would love more help in that regard if possible.

thx again for your help...

Thanks

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erwindegrave

14 years ago

[QUOTE=Chris Ramsey;1364030]Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.

True.. Use a bigger font headline plus in the tagline itself.. For old people it will be hard to read it :-)

Thanks
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askloz

14 years ago

Code:

h1.large{
	font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;
	font-size: 28px;
	text-align: center;
	color: #CD070D;
}

28px is not large enough?

That header text font is just as large as others i see out there.

[quote=erwindegrave;1376108]

Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey

Askloz,

I would use a bigger font for a headline.

True.. Use a bigger font headline plus in the tagline itself.. For old people it will be hard to read it :-)

Thanks

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Oxbloom

14 years ago

Right off, I don't like the headline. Neither the content of it, nor the formatting. It's small, doesn't draw the eye, doesn't compel me to read deeper, and isn't very specific about what it is I'm about to read (or NOT read, as the case may be.)

Ignore the rest of your message for the moment. What's the first thing
somebody with NO prior knowledge of or interest in your product will see?

"Spot It, Click It, Profit From It System Generates Thousands Weekly!"

This makes an okay SUB-head, after the basic premise has been explained,
but as your lead, it doesn't even mention what basic topic we're talking about.

Worse still, the presumed "main" headline right below, is even vaguer...

"The $1 Million Challenge has begun!"

What $1 Million Challenge? I didn't navigate here because I was searching
out info about some challenge. I want quick, easy, forex get-rich info shoveled
into my brain and pronto! Do I even scroll down and find your NEXT headline?

"Forex Trading Veteran Reveals His Closely Kept Secrets That's Generated Him A Bucket Load Of Cash Over The Years, And He's Going To Show You How It's Done!"

No, I probably don't, because I've given up by now and gone to one of the
million competing links I've found on google.

Get that headline up higher. Use that big, bad font, and make sure people know
that you're a forex trading badass, that you've got a secret for them, and you're
about to share it below. I agree it could be more specific and compelling,
but it's a far sight better than what you've got up top now.

Problem number two...is that the first place on the page I can take action as a
participant in your sales page is right up top where it says...

You can watch these right now - CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW IT'S DONE!

...but then when I click the link, am I watching you? NO! For the love of God,
I'm whisked away to a sales page asking me for $100 bucks for the privilege. Before
I've gotten piece of info #1.

It's not so much bad to ask for the order right away, but it's downright
alienating to promise me a chance to follow a link to watch, only to have
it turn into sales pitch instead. I don't just feel misled if I'm a reader...
I feel misled for profit!

Give your reader the info you need to get him involved...
Give your reader something concrete so he'll trust and believe you...
THEN pitch your product.

Judging from the video and the testimonials, you really DO have something
to offer here.

Give them a good headline, your "daily updated video" (perhaps with a caption stating when
it started, and with how much $), and then and only then move into your story and sales
message.

I think there's real potential here. Good luck with it!

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askloz

14 years ago

Hi ya

Thanks for the suggestions, huge help

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Right off, I don't like the headline. Neither the content of it, nor the formatting. It's small, doesn't draw the eye, doesn't compel me to read deeper, and isn't very specific about what it is I'm about to read (or NOT read, as the case may be.)

Small? 16px is small?

How large should the text be then? It's in Gerogia font.

Should I change it to something like 16px Arial?

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Ignore the rest of your message for the moment. What's the first thing
somebody with NO prior knowledge of or interest in your product will see?

"Spot It, Click It, Profit From It System Generates Thousands Weekly!"

This makes an okay SUB-head, after the basic premise has been explained,
but as your lead, it doesn't even mention what basic topic we're talking about.

Worse still, the presumed "main" headline right below, is even vaguer...

"The $1 Million Challenge has begun!"

What $1 Million Challenge? I didn't navigate here because I was searching
out info about some challenge. I want quick, easy, forex get-rich info shoveled
into my brain and pronto! Do I even scroll down and find your NEXT headline?

"Forex Trading Veteran Reveals His Closely Kept Secrets That's Generated Him A Bucket Load Of Cash Over The Years, And He's Going To Show You How It's Done!"

No, I probably don't, because I've given up by now and gone to one of the
million competing links I've found on google.

Get that headline up higher. Use that big, bad font, and make sure people know
that you're a forex trading badass, that you've got a secret for them, and you're
about to share it below. I agree it could be more specific and compelling,
but it's a far sight better than what you've got up top now.

Good point... thx for pointing out

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Problem number two...is that the first place on the page I can take action as a
participant in your sales page is right up top where it says...

You can watch these right now - CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW IT'S DONE!

...but then when I click the link, am I watching you? NO! For the love of God,
I'm whisked away to a sales page asking me for $100 bucks for the privilege. Before
I've gotten piece of info #1.

It's not so much bad to ask for the order right away, but it's downright
alienating to promise me a chance to follow a link to watch, only to have
it turn into sales pitch instead. I don't just feel misled if I'm a reader...
I feel misled for profit!

Give your reader the info you need to get him involved...
Give your reader something concrete so he'll trust and believe you...
THEN pitch your product.

Cool... I'll make those changes

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Judging from the video and the testimonials, you really DO have something
to offer here.

Give them a good headline, your "daily updated video" (perhaps with a caption stating when
it started, and with how much $), and then and only then move into your story and sales
message.

I think there's real potential here. Good luck with it!

Thanks Oxbloom...

I'll make the changes that have been recommended and upload the new page for a possible review of the changes if ok?

Thanks

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askloz

14 years ago

Ok, here we go

Code:

http://forexsignalmentor.com/

is that better?

Thanks

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Oxbloom

14 years ago

Well, at least now I'd be tempted to read deeper.

I should have been more careful about my words. I don't know that it'll work for you to use words and phrases like "badass" and "easy money." I just meant that's the overall feel you should aspire to.

I don't know for sure they WON'T work for you, but be careful you don't appear too fly-by-night. You're asking people to part with a nice chunk of change, after all, so they have to trust and believe in you.

The important thing was getting an attention drawing message up front. Mission accomplished. Now, test, polish, repeat.

Thanks
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askloz

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

Well, at least now I'd be tempted to read deeper.

I should have been more careful about my words. I don't know that it'll work for you to use words and phrases like "badass" and "easy money." I just meant that's the overall feel you should aspire to.

I have dyslexia, so my understanding of the English language is very poor, i dont even know what a noun is.

I just type as I speak.

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

I don't know for sure they WON'T work for you, but be careful you don't appear too fly-by-night. You're asking people to part with a nice chunk of change, after all, so they have to trust and believe in you.

$97 a lot? nah, not for what they learn... courses out there go for like $5K+ for just a few months... mines 12 months. and even then they stay on my contact list for support

I'll be testing a $197 price tag soon, or go back to $97 activation and $47 per month cos Im constantly adding new videos all the time... so far there's about 40 videos there, approx 600MB large in total.

my sales optin rate is at about 3% right now... but need to hit the 10% mark eventually with the leads im starting to gather via PPV.

Originally Posted by Oxbloom

The important thing was getting an attention drawing message up front. Mission accomplished. Now, test, polish, repeat.

kewl... thx again for your help... drop me a PM and an email and I'll send ya a free copy

Thanks

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SamKane

14 years ago

If you want to get rid of the "hypyness" and start of your sales letter much stronger...
Get rid of your headline, the subhead, the "dear trader", and the "Peer behind the curtain... statement.

Start your letter at:
"Long Time Veteran of 11 Years.....

Test it yourself... just scroll down in your browser until the top section starts
at "Long Time Veteran of 11 Years...
Almost immediately you'll have a much more believable sales letter minus the "badass" hype.

Sam Kane

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askloz

14 years ago

Thx Sam, I took out the "badass" out...

Thanks
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stevedirect

14 years ago

The main problem seems to be that the letter isn't aimed at any particular market, and so doesn't really hit any target.

Is the product aimed at people who already trade but haven't made a success of it? Or at people who want to find a way to make money and could be interested in FX as the answer? The answer will determine everything from the structure of the letter to the actual offer itself.

For instance the first paragraph mentions "Being a Victim to Margin Calls, Vicious Whipsaws..."

The use of jargon like "margin calls" indicates this is aimed at people who already trade.

But then the letter has:

"Best part is, you seriously do not even need any prior experience!"

This could easily confuse a prospect right off the bat.

Then further down there is: "help replace the big hole created by our Governments in their dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government, One World Currency."

Many people just don't believe there are "dastardly ploys to organise a One World Government".

You need to be careful when using this conspiracy-theory stuff that the whole pitch, and therefore the product, just doesn't appear credible.

Then there are sentences like: "you stand to make more money here than anywhere in the World. Trading the Forex if done properly, is like waking up in the morning and printing your own Checks that would leave your Bank Manager grinning from ear to ear!

These can easily come across as wild promises... especially when not supported by any logical argument or proof.

You might also want to check your spelling, grammar, punctuation...

I would restructure the whole letter to aim it at a particular type of prospect, and add far more proof elements, especially hard facts about what makes this product so different from any other.

Of course, test, test, test... because you really don't know how the thing will do until you get some real eyeballs on it...

Good luck

Steve

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askloz

14 years ago