Need opinions on my landing page

14 years ago

I think it's pretty good. I like the simplicity of the site while it also displays a subtle sort of class and style. The copy comes across as credible and sincere by someone who has suffered the problem and overcome it.

There is one thing that needs considerable work and that's your headline. It needs to be more of a grabber and it definitely needs to stand out more in size, and perhaps with a different color. Good luck!

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JoshuaG

14 years ago

That headline is pretty unbelievable. What are the odds that a medical researcher WITH A YEAST INFECTION would suddenly find the cure to it in spite of years of already completed medical research? Also if they just found the cure how could they know they would "Never suffer from them again"? Only time would show that.

"Suffering for so many years with chronic yeast infections just begins to wears on you after awhile, both physically and mentally."

There is a word tense error in this sentence. Can you find it?

"As a medical researcher one of the the things that I found which seemed to baffle a lot of women, including myself, was Yeast Infections."

Why did you capitalize yeast infections in this sentence? You don't need the name of the condition to stand out in your copy. You need the solution to stand out.

"This information is essential for all women. Even men with yeast infections will benefit."

This sort of sounds like women are getting the real solution and men are simple learning some knowledge that MIGHT help them A LITTLE.

So is it better to "Nuke" a yeast infection by placing harmful chemicals on and in some of the most delecate parts of our bodies? Or can we use natural treatments to cure yeast infections?

Here you ask this question and then go on to talk about something completely unrelated. I had to scroll down several sections before I found anything close to an answer. You also have a spelling error.

Before we look at treatment options consider the factors that are associated with yeast infection in women (from the NIAID site) -

This is a vague statement that you follow it up with a list causes of yeast infections. Then you put what should be the headline for this section BELOW the text! How does that make sense. The headline instead leads the reader into the next paragraph which has nothing to do with the headline at all!

12 to 15% of American men develop symptoms of yeast infection after contact with an infected partner.

So it's not just a female health issue. Guys need to be wary of this condition too.

This was tucked in at the end of a large paragraph about how yeast infections happen. I don't understand why you keep making these paltry attempts to get males interested. The odds of males seeing that statement while scanning your copy is basically NIL. You don't have ANY headlines relating to males NOR ANY TESTIMONIALS from males! Why bother mentioning males at all if your not ready to structure a portion of your copy towards that market?

"We've produced a 64 page definitive guide to yeast infections written in layman's terms so it's easy to understand."

Is your layman such a layman that he doesn't even know what the term layman means and you have to tell him?

"Hang on to your cotton-crotched panties! When you buy and read our guide, you'll learn more than you ever thought you needed to know about yeast!"

If I was a woman I would find this vulgar. Also if I don't think I needed to know a lot about yeast, how is learning more then I thought I needed to know at all important to me? How is that a selling point?

In the sex and micro tears section you give people the solution that your book is offering! That's not good, you want to inspire the fear of what would happen without that knowledge not give it away for free! The same is true of the condoms section.

Over all you spend a lot of time educating your reader on what a yeast infection is rather then offering them a solution to the problem or even trying to appeal to their sense of urgency. If this is a landing page that means you should have already got them interested in finding a solution with your article or advertisement.

Also none of your headlines are gripping or even seem like they are ment to be. The purpose of a headline is to draw the reader in. Your headlines don't do this. Instead they are only vaguely related to their associated content.

Finally, None of your paragraphs lead anywhere. The only instance I've seen of this being true is the "Good news" "bad news" section. The rest is just segmented unrelated chunks of knowledge without any goal in mind for the reader.

I'm bored now and have vented enough. If you want me to review the rest of it send me a PM.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by JoshuaG

That headline is pretty unbelievable. What are the odds that a medical researcher WITH A YEAST INFECTION would suddenly find the cure to it in spite of years of already completed medical research? Also if they just found the cure how could they know they would "Never suffer from them again"? Only time would show that.

There is a word tense error in this sentence. Can you find it?

Why did you capitalize yeast infections in this sentence? You don't need the name of the condition to stand out in your copy. You need the solution to stand out.

This sort of sounds like women are getting the real solution and men are simple learning some knowledge that MIGHT help them A LITTLE.

Here you ask this question and then go on to talk about something completely unrelated. I had to scroll down several sections before I found anything close to an answer. You also have a spelling error.

This is a vague statement that you follow it up with a list causes of yeast infections. Then you put what should be the headline for this section BELOW the text! How does that make sense. The headline instead leads the reader into the next paragraph which has nothing to do with the headline at all!

This was tucked in at the end of a large paragraph about how yeast infections happen. I don't understand why you keep making these paltry attempts to get males interested. The odds of males seeing that statement while scanning your copy is basically NIL. You don't have ANY headlines relating to males NOR ANY TESTIMONIALS from males! Why bother mentioning males at all if your not ready to structure a portion of your copy towards that market?

Is your layman such a layman that he doesn't even know what the term layman means and you have to tell him?

If I was a woman I would find this vulgar. Also if I don't think I needed to know a lot about yeast, how is learning more then I thought I needed to know at all important to me? How is that a selling point?

In the sex and micro tears section you give people the solution that your book is offering! That's not good, you want to inspire the fear of what would happen without that knowledge not give it away for free! The same is true of the condoms section.

Over all you spend a lot of time educating your reader on what a yeast infection is rather then offering them a solution to the problem or even trying to appeal to their sense of urgency. If this is a landing page that means you should have already got them interested in finding a solution with your article or advertisement.

Also none of your headlines are gripping or even seem like they are ment to be. The purpose of a headline is to draw the reader in. Your headlines don't do this. Instead they are only vaguely related to their associated content.

Finally, None of your paragraphs lead anywhere. The only instance I've seen of this being true is the "Good news" "bad news" section. The rest is just segmented unrelated chunks of knowledge without any goal in mind for the reader.

I'm bored now and have vented enough. If you want me to review the rest of it send me a PM.

Talking about grammar and spelling mistakes on this copy (none of them mine, by the way)..."men are simple learning some knowledge" should read "men are simply"..."if your not ready" should read "if you're not ready"..."seem like they are ment to be" should read "meant to be"...I'm bored now.

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zerofill

14 years ago

Yeah that first page was pretty much my fault lol...
Was a quick one so he had one...

Although the most successful of the yeast book pages is about as plain as you can possibly get with a look that is so 1998...

I sent ya a few emails Malcolm...but for whatever reason your gmail likes to spam can me. More than likely from my email address having "sales" in it. Then again gmail likes to spam a lot of ejunkie emails we have that go out to people with download links in them. Anyway...

Did get the other headline and a couple of the changes for Mountainmotorman...but I am kind of pressed for time, all of the time. I did just now go through and change the page up a bit for him in a more plain layout...so it doesn't look so spammy. Plus is more inline with the more successful pages out there in the niche.

So he will have to see how that goes...

Plus did some of the things people recommended to him in this thread...Toned down some of it...

Although I am not a clickbank sales page designer...but seems to look and flow better now...we shall see. Like I said though...kind of strapped for time...all the time...so hopefully I didn't miss anything. I think it will convert now if I didn't make any typos etc.

Although I would probably try and find a way if it were my sales page to try and get them more excited about the possibility of never having a yeast infection again without outlaying so much info to them about the book itself. Although it is a health topic so that probably can't be helped...it isn't a make money online product.

Kind of funny how the pretty pages in this niche that are pleasing to the eyes...don't convert for ****. Although some are geared towards PPC traffic and some are geared towards organic. There is a difference in some niches even though some people don't tend to believe it.

laterzzzzzzzz

EDIT: I have a question for some copywriters that want to pick something apart...
What makes a page like this successful copy wsie?

http://www.natural-cure-for-yeast-infection.com

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by zerofill

I did just now go through and change the page up a bit for him in a more plain layout...so it doesn't look so spammy. Plus is more inline with the more successful pages out there in the niche.

So he will have to see how that goes...

Plus did some of the things people recommended to him in this thread...Toned down some of it...

Although I am not a clickbank sales page designer...but seems to look and flow better now...we shall see. Like I said though...kind of strapped for time...all the time...so hopefully I didn't miss anything. I think it will convert now if I didn't make any typos etc.

Don, THAT is a lot better. BUT it's taken you 2 months to do it. I did say when I sent you the copy "First Draft" - and then heard no more. No PM, no email, no Skype. And the client posts the First Draft here for everyone to add their two cents. Great. Not the way I like to work at all. You won't get the best from ANY writer frigging around like that. Hasta la Vista, Mal.

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Technista

14 years ago

JoshuaG did a thorough job of critiquing the content, so I would like to make a few comments about the visual layout.

1) There is some color clashing here. The bright "yellow highlighter" accents look jarring over light blue, but would look fine against a white background. When you add bold red text to that, it almost hurts the eyes. Even harder on the eyes is the red text on blue (in the headers).

2) I like your logo picture, the woman appropriately looks like she is experiencing freedom.

3) Your content would benefit from more "white space". It shouldn't run up to the edges of the borders. Give it a little padding on both sides and it will be easier to read and look cleaner.

4) The overall color scheme should be simpler. Too many things going on within the page are distracting, and take away from the message. If you only did this one thing, it would help. Replace #F5F5F5 with #FFFFFF (white). It will brighten up the page and look so much cleaner!

5) For better html, turn those header items that precede each paragraph into real headers. In other words, <h1> or <h2> tags instead of <p> tags. It's better for seo too. Please take them out of those blue boxes with the purple borders, and liberate them from the red text. There are many ways to draw attention to a header, but we don't have to use them all at once.

Good luck with your campaign-

T

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Rubes

14 years ago

G'day,

Few things I would suggest from top of the page to bottom;

The yellow and red text is really hard to read, makes the site look a little cheap, perhaps just keep the white background but increase the power of the header fonts by increasing it's font size or even making it an image rather than actual text.

Add a picture of yourself when you introduce yourself, just adds trust to the copy and helps people relate to your own personal experience. Even a quick 15 second video intro would be effective on a site like this.

I really like your headlines, they do exactly what they are supposed to do and that is force the reader to keep on reading the content below them.

Slightly increase the size of your page border. At the moment it is a little too close to your copy text, makes the site look a little cluttered.

Throw in some related pics to break up all of that text you have on the first half of the page. Make it mold around your text so the text still maintains its natural flow.

After you make any claims you need to back them up with proof, this can come with testimonials or whatever is relevant. The best sales pages are the ones that make the biggest promises and can immediatly back them up with solid proof!

There is no price justification on the page, you just immediatly state the price. You can make that price look even better by listing the products features before the price or by listing the price of other alternative products on the market at the moment.

Lastly, your download button at the bottom if blurry, needs to be fixed right away. Once again it makes the site look a little cheap.

Hope they help and all the best to you.

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Mountainmotorman

14 years ago

I am EXTREMELY grateful to all the warriors who have given me their time to read and then their expertise or just opinion. This is how we get better and I am grateful for your suggestions.

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RickDuris 14 years ago

Nice job and great feedback!

Test this as the headline:

"If I can cure my yeast infection, there's new hope for you too. Read on..." - Barbara Estra

or here's another one you can test:

"New Hope for Those Who Suffer From Yeast Infections"

I wish I could spend more time on this today, but since the right headline is 80% of the solution, that's where I tend to focus for the biggest time payback.

- Rick Duris
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Dude, I wrote this copy. For the most part. You've fiddled with it. And that's not the headline I suggested. And it doesn't "gel" with the rest of the copy. Your first landing page after I delivered the copy was very ordinary. I was told you sent a bunch of traffic to it and it wasn't converting. How surprising. Wouldn't be anything to do with the lousy original design of the page would it?

But here's the thing - you spend money to get me to write the copy and then you don't get back to me? I've emailed D & J several times about this copy and the only feedback I got from them was they thought the reference to Nirvana and "Smells Like Teen Spirit" should have been deleted. Probably a good call. But I find it quite bizarre that you don't bother to even get back to the guy that wrote the copy. You haven't spoken to me once since I wrote this. Not once.

BTW the Barbara Estra bit wasn't part of the original page. And the bogus claim of being a "Medical Researcher" is just asking for trouble from the FTC.

And I did offer to give you a bunch of headlines to split-test. Never heard a whisper back from any of you guys.

But really...I feel insulted and annoyed that you haven't asked my opinion. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?

BTW this bit that you've tacked on at the end is just straight out cheesy - "You are here because you are searching for a solution to a really big problem that has affected your life. Do yourself a favor right now...Buy this guidebook."

Do yourself a favor and talk to your copywriter.

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Mountainmotorman

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Dude, I wrote this copy. For the most part. You've fiddled with it. And that's not the headline I suggested. And it doesn't "gel" with the rest of the copy. Your first landing page after I delivered the copy was very ordinary. I was told you sent a bunch of traffic to it and it wasn't converting. How surprising. Wouldn't be anything to do with the lousy original design of the page would it?

But here's the thing - you spend money to get me to write the copy and then you don't get back to me? I've emailed D & J several times about this copy and the only feedback I got from them was they thought the reference to Nirvana and "Smells Like Teen Spirit" should have been deleted. Probably a good call. But I find it quite bizarre that you don't bother to even get back to the guy that wrote the copy. You haven't spoken to me once since I wrote this. Not once.

BTW the Barbara Estra bit wasn't part of the original page. And the bogus claim of being a "Medical Researcher" is just asking for trouble from the FTC.

And I did offer to give you a bunch of headlines to split-test. Never heard a whisper back from any of you guys.

But really...I feel insulted and annoyed that you haven't asked my opinion. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?

BTW this bit that you've tacked on at the end is just straight out cheesy - "You are here because you are searching for a solution to a really big problem that has affected your life. Do yourself a favor right now...Buy this guidebook."

Do yourself a favor and talk to your copywriter.

Please read what Zerofill replied. Then get you PM....

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Brian, just sent you a long PM. Copy was supplied as a clearly-marked "First Draft" on Oct 2. Then it took you guys 3 weeks (Oct 24) to get back to me. None of your emails were in my spam. And even if they were you could have PMed me here. You've taken none of the advice i gave you in my last correspondence of 6 weeks ago (Oct 25) . To wit -

Don, still no word from Jeremy. I've had nearly 300 clicks on my Yahoo campaign but no conversions. I've rewritten the Head and the beginning to reflect the Headline I was using in the campaign - "Nuke Yeast Infections?" - that's pretty much the essence of that book - Nuke or go natural.

But I don't think much of the layout of the Yeastaway page. The banner makes it look too commercial - too slick. I reckon you should try a nice headshot on the top left. Of a woman who's supposedly written the sales page. So I've changed the copy to First Tense to personalise it. It's kinda the old "My Yeast Infection Story" . So yeah - a headshot with a caption. And a few other photos of the same woman wouldn't go astray either - showing her gardening or golfing or something like that. Again - with captions like "Now I can enjoy my garden again" and/or "Yeast Infection played havoc with my handicap - not anymore".

And the layout of the heads/subheads/bullets etc needs to be re-designed. The whole page needs to be re-designed. At the moment it just looks like someone has made a fancy banner and stuck some copy under it. I'm just the writer. I just give you the words as I've written them on OpenOffice.

Let me know what you want to do. I want to see it succeed and I hate it when I don't get any feedback.

Mal.

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mrozlat

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Mountainmotorman

Can some warriors help me out a bit. I have an AWESOME new ebook and need to get some feedback on the landing page.

If you think your opinion does not matter anywhere else, it will with me. I look at things from all ways and hope it comes out right. Please take a look and post your opinion on what you think.

it is Yeast Away - Cure Yeast Infections Forever Naturally THANKS WARRIORS!

too bad you're not collecting emails as we could of worked a JV
---> Yeast Infection Remedies | Karmic Health

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