Which Headline Is Better?

by hjalte81

Posted: 14 years ago 30 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi You Crazy Copywriting-Addicted Warriors...

I need some help here... I'm still new (and poorly skilled) at copywriting, but instead of asking you guys to read and tear apart my whole sales letter, I figured we could start with the headline

It's for an ebook that basuically tells you how to wake up early.

(I have written a salesletter, but it's far from finished yet, you can check it out at wakeearly(dot)com if you like)

So, which headline is the best or do have an idea for something better?

How To Wake Early - Every Morning With Less Sleep And More Energy
Are You Looking For A Way To Become An Early Riser? - Then Read On And Learn How To Wake Early - Every Morning
Do You Often Oversleep And Are You Scared You Might Lose Your Job If You Don't Get Yourself Together? - Then Read On And Discover How I Learned To Wake Early Each And Every Day

And The Best Part Is That I actually Sleep Less Hours Now Than I used Too!
Discover The Secrets To Wake Early Every Morning - And You Don't Even Have To Get Early To Bed
Former Chronic Tired 28-Year Old Discover The Secrets To Getting Up Every Morning Without Going Early To Bed

#headline

hjalte81 14 years ago

I was going to make a poll, but something went wrong

Anyway, we'll have to do without...
- Thanks
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maverick007 14 years ago

I would go with something more along the lines of this:

"Discover The Secret To Waking Up Early Every Morning And Feeling Energized... ...Even If You Always Go To Bed Late."

I think phrasing it "go to bed late" rather than "don't have to get to bed early" will work better - remember, the brain doesn't process negatives.

Having said that, I'm sure you'll hear most people agree - the secret is to "test, test, test".

Hope that's helpful.

Cheers
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- RickDuris 14 years ago
  
  "waking up early" is a feature.
  
  The big question is why you would want to wake up early?
  
  What's the big benefit or takeaway?
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  Thanks
  
  3 replies
  
  Signature
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  hjalte81 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by RickDuris
  
  "waking up early" is a feature.
  
  The big question is why you would want to wake up early?
  
  What's the big benefit or takeaway?
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  I think I missed the meaning of your post when reading it the first time...
  
  Yeah, you might ne right that waking early is a feature...
  The benefit would be to get more time or to keep your job... (but I guess I'd go for the first one)
  
  The takeaway... hmm... I'm not sure if I can think of anything I would put in the headline. I mean, there are many takeways by sleeping too much, but, I can't think of any that would apply to a broader audience
  
  What about something like this:
  "Chronically Tired Man Stumble Upon The Secrets Of Getting Up Early Each Morning And Gain An Extra 90 Minutes A Day"
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  jimmymc 14 years ago
  
  ...Or Maybe
  
  1) Discover My Power Sleep Secrets And Wake Up Early -- On Time And Fully Refreshed Even Though You Were Still Dancing At Midnight.
  
  2) My Secret Power Sleep Method Will Guarantee You A Refreshing Nite's sleep... Even though you Didn't Go To Bed With The Chickens.
  
  3)Are You Tired, Worn Out And Dragging To Get To Work On Time... Get The Refreshing Sleep You Need With My Power Sleep Secrets.
  
  4)Make Four Hours Sleep Seem Like Eight...You Can Roll Back The Clock With MY Power Sleep Secrets.
  
  ...just fooling around
  
  jimmymc...good luck
  
  Thanks
  
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  Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter 14 years ago
  
  Rick is almost as brilliant as Paul. Listen to him.
  
  Originally Posted by RickDuris
  
  "waking up early" is a feature.
  
  The big question is why you would want to wake up early?
  
  What's the big benefit or takeaway?
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  What is the emotional need your prospects are looking to meet? My guess is your prospect is someone who has trouble getting up early and feels this makes him less of a success--either in his own mind or those around him or both. Chances are it is both.
  
  He feels his inability to get up early makes him a loser. It doesn't actually make him a loser, it just makes him feel like one. (It's living in his mother's basement makes him a loser, but I digress...)
  
  Write a headline that says "STOP BEING A LOSER - HERE'S HOW" and you will have a more effective letter.
  
  My 2 cents.
  
  Edit - Clarification: you should NOT use "STOP BEING A LOSER - HERE'S HOW" as your actual headline, just give them the idea that your product will rescue them from loserdom without actually saying that. "STOP BEING EMBARRASSED BY..." or similar.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
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  David Merriman 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by RickDuris
  
  "waking up early" is a feature.
  
  The big question is why you would want to wake up early?
  
  What's the big benefit or takeaway?
  
  - Rick Duris
  
  I agree with this, too.
  
  The problem with many of these headlines is that they sell "waking up early." Obviously your market has problems with waking up early, so a part of them must hate it.
  
  What are the benefits?
  
  My suggestion is to write 20 or so great "bullets". This will help you brainstorm the benefits, and then you can convert your best bullet as a headline.
  
  Remember, bullets are really just mini-headlines, slightly expanded. If you have a headline problem, you definitely have a bullet problem.
  
  Example bullet (just to get the idea):
  
  - A sneaky trick to instantly have more time in the day without having to feel like a zombie from lack of sleep. This guilt-free, easy energy booster will have people wondering what the heck happened to you -- in the best way possible.
  
  One of my favorite copywriters when it comes to bullets is Eben Pagan (and the copywriters he's trained). look at any of his Double Your Dating copy. the bullets are outstanding.
  
  If you would like further attention on your copy, send me a PM. I would be glad to give you a free consultation.
  
  - David
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Be unique.
  
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ghyphena 14 years ago

1. Slightly ambiguous. I don't know why you would put the dash where you put it.

2. Dashes appear to placed at random. They break up the flow. This one's also ambiguous, and with more potential for inadvertent double-entendre.

3. It's *fewer* hours. And (ignore this comment if your decision is backed up by market research) I wouldn't have thought that potential job-loss is the foremost complaint of people who want to get up earlier. It's also clumsy and wordy.

If you forced me to predict a "winner", I'd combine the first half of 4 with the second half of 5. Don't think it's the best headline ever, but out of these choices I would go with

Discover the secrets to waking early every morning... even if you go to bed late

or variation.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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Gil-Ad Schwartz
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- hjalte81 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by ghyphena
  
  Discover the secrets to waking early every morning... even if you go to bed late
  
  or variation.
  
  This is very interesting...
  
  It seems that people like the shorter and more "to the point" headlines better...
  
  Is it only in IM that headlines are long sentences full of benefits?
  
  Thanks
  
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hjalte81 14 years ago

Hi guys... thanls a lot for the comments so far

No, I'm not native english speaking and that might be one of my biggest hurdles when it comes to copywriting, but then again, it's not worse than getting someone to proofread everything...

I'll definitely test everything when I get that far, I have one tiny problem though, I prefer to use wordpress, but I can't get any splitesting plugin to work (I used to use the google website optimizer).

Maybe I'll have to use xsite pro for my salesletters...

Anyway, thanks for all the comments so far
- Thanks
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ghyphena

14 years ago

No. In IM you get promises of 19-Year-Old Lazy Unemployed Punks Stumbling Into Top-Secret Military-Trained Ninja Assassins Wielding Cash-Sucking Vacuum Cleaners On Steroids. This makes the headline seem longer.

Thanks
2 replies

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Gil-Ad Schwartz

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hjalte81

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ghyphena

Lol.. exactly what I'm talking about... gotta love those headlines

Thanks

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by ghyphena

Which looks a whole lot better like this -

"19-Year-Old Lazy Unemployed Punk Stumbles Into Top-Secret
㊑ Ninja Assassins
Wielding Cash-Sucking Vacuum Cleaners On Steroids."

Thanks
2 replies

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hjalte81

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Which looks a whole lot better like this -

"19-Year-Old Lazy Unemployed Punk Stumbles Into Top-Secret
㊑ Ninja Assassins
Wielding Cash-Sucking Vacuum Cleaners On Steroids."

Yeah.. that would sell :p

Thanks

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erichmiller 14 years ago

I liked your first one the most - but as others have mentioned, what's the solution to the problem.... My take on it would be:

Can't Pull Yourself From Your Mattress in the Morning? Discover the Secret to Jumping Out of Bed Energized Ready to Go!

or you could just go with:

Originally Posted by Metronicity

"19-Year-Old Lazy Unemployed Punk Stumbles Into Top-Secret
㊑ Ninja Assassins
Wielding Cash-Sucking Vacuum Cleaners On Steroids."

BTW, where can I buy this!!!!? lol...
- Thanks
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lenlatimer 14 years ago

Hi,
I like 4 or 5 best. Good luck.
- Thanks
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Joanne Reid 14 years ago

Here's my rating:

1. Former Chronic Tired 28-Year Old Discover The Secrets To Getting Up Every Morning Without Going Early To Bed - by far the best....but I'd trim it to
Chronically Tired Man Discovers The Secret To Waking Up Completely Refreshed Every Morning - No Matter When He went to Bed

2. Discover The Secrets To Wake Early Every Morning - And You Don't Even Have To Get Early To Bed

3. How To Wake Early - Every Morning With Less Sleep And More Energy

4. Are You Looking For A Way To Become An Early Riser? - Then Read On And Learn How To Wake Early - Every Morning

5. Do You Often Oversleep And Are You Scared You Might Lose Your Job If You Don't Get Yourself Together? - Then Read On And Discover How I Learned To Wake Early Each And Every Day

And The Best Part Is That I actually Sleep Less Hours Now Than I used Too!
- [ 1 ] Thanks
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candacemevis23 14 years ago

Go for "How To Wake Early - Every Morning With Less Sleep And More Energy"

Its short and BEST.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 2 replies
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- hjalte81 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by candacemevis23
  
  Go for "How To Wake Early - Every Morning With Less Sleep And More Energy"
  
  Its short and BEST.
  
  Thank you...
  
  After some trial and error I got WP and Google Website Optimizer working, so I'll split test, split test and do some more split test
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  5Tool 14 years ago
  
  You might also want to add something along the lines of:
  
  "Are You As Tired When The Alarm Clock Rings As When You Went To Bed? -Here's How to Wake Refreshed Each Morning With More Energy For Work AND For Play"
  
  Thanks
  
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- eibhlin 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by candacemevis23
  
  Go for "How To Wake Early - Every Morning With Less Sleep And More Energy"
  
  Its short and BEST.
  
  I like short headlines, too. Here's what I'd say:
  Tired all the time? Secrets of an early riser!
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Artist, blogger, and author of a bazillion books, more or less. Find me at Eibhlin.com
  
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  wealthminded 14 years ago
  
  Everybody covered the subject pretty well.
  
  I think #1, the others take too long to read and you know about website readers.
  
  Thanks
  
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  Be Wealth Minded with a Millionaire Mindset and a Success Mindset
  
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DoubleYourWay 14 years ago

I like this: How To Wake Early - Every Morning With Less Sleep And More Energy

So, how do I wake up early with less sleep anyway?
- Thanks
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kimperino1985 14 years ago

"Discover The Secrets To Wake Early Every Morning - And You Don't Even Have To Get Early To Bed" is better
- Thanks
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wrcato2 14 years ago
#5.
1. Former Chronic Tired 28-Year Old Discover The Secrets To Getting Up Every Morning Without Going Early To Bed
1. Chronic Tired 28 Year Old Discovers 'Ancient' Secrets To Waking Up Every Morning Without Going To Bed Early
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webwriter 14 years ago

I like #4 and #5, and find the word "Secrets" especially intriguing.

Too many words in a headline would only turn me off. Identifying the problem and promising a proven solution would be the best way to go.
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- 1 reply
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- Destination Freedom 14 years ago
  
  I'm fairly new at this to but I would say numbers 4 and 5 show the most promise.
  
  Thanks
  
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spaxton1 14 years ago

How about these:

Hate mornings? Learn the secret to waking up...

Morning snoozer? You don't have to be...

Hate your Alarm Clock? There's a secret to waking up...

Need more sleep? Secret to do more with less.

Hard time waking up? You need to read this!

Sleep Secret, now you can program your body to sleep better.

Sleep rejuvenation! There's a secret and I know it!

My rule of thumb is to keep headlines short and sweet! In my opinion your reader needs to be able to do the following:

1) Within 2 seconds understand your headline
2) Be excited to read more

But, be careful. If you're making a promise, be prepared to fulfill that promise.
- Thanks
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sgboston23 14 years ago

I like 5 , just less wordy.
Also consider what they have to LOSE by not reading your article. What they have to lose is more emotionally triggering than what they have to gain.
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