Sales Page Version 2, Ready to Rock?

10 replies
Hello Warriors. Several months ago I posted an early version of my sales page, and got some excellent advice (I literally doubled conversions by taking advice offered on this forum). Now I have actually read a couple of books about copywriting, and have remastered my sales page. I now respectfully submit it to the warrior community for shredding. And as always, thank you in advance.

Insider Secrets To Cheap Flights
#page #ready #rock #sales #version
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Your copy is decent. You might get a bit more bang out of your headline by adding a few extra words:

    Downsized Ticket Agent With A Bone To Pick With The Airlines Reveals...
    How The Airlines Rip You Off And The Industry Insider Secrets You'll Need To Save Big On All Your Flights...

    With that minor change you're planting a couple of seeds right up front referring to insider exclusivity and what your customer needs to save big.

    I see a lot more formatting issues than problems with your copy. Your paragraphs are too big. You'd do well to cut most of them in half. In other words, make two out of a single one. It will make your page longer but a lot more readable.

    You seem to love commas. Many of them aren't necessary and they slow the reader down. Another thing I noticed (you gotta remember, guys like me are looking at the printed word all day long) is you seem to be hitting the space bar twice between sentences and creating a wide gap. It could be that I'm just kinda picky but that's slowing me down a little as well.

    You've got words in there that should be hyphenated and aren't. One example is dirt cheap. The ultra-proper way to write it according to three grammar-checking programs is dirt-cheap. There are others as well. Once again, picky but this stuff slows a reader down and they may end up clicking away without consciously knowing why.

    The good news is the copy is decent. Some folks would say that I'm goofy for pointing out some of the stuff I have, but they are the same people who'll test minutia until the sun sets in the east to get another fraction of a percentage point in conversions.

    My belief is to get it as spiffy grammatically and format-wise as possible so it's readable. Overall, you're in good shape.
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    • Profile picture of the author ScoTech
      Thanks for your reply, travelinguy. I do believe the things you bring up are important. I know whenever I start reading a page, and come across errors, it immediately downgrades the overall quality of the offer in my mind. (There's some more commas for you)

      The double space after a sentence comes from high school typing class, just a habit now I guess.

      Would you suggest to just split up my long paragraphs into two, basically adding whitespace in between, or actually make a new headline for that second splinter paragraph.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    What I do is get it all out there. Then on the second or third round of proofing and editing I add paragraph titles where they fit... where you can draw attention with an open-ended quesion or profound statement. Of course the answer is found within that paragraph or the next one. I definately don't do it unless it serves a purpose.

    This isn't an attempt at a shameless plug but take a look at the WSO in my sig. There are plenty of paragraph headers that are designed (and work) to get people to keep reading.

    And if you do use internal titles, try and incorporate keywords if possible as paragraph headers are known as h2 tags and are noted by the Googlishess bots...
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  • Profile picture of the author stevedirect
    It isn't a bad sales letter at all... the fact that
    you're selling some proves that. It seems like
    a good product too

    However, you have the material to make this
    sales letter a sizzler.

    Your story for a start. You can make far more
    of it. Think in terms of the best way to present it.
    Think mini-drama: set-up, narrative development,
    resolution. (Hint: you have some great plot
    elements, including the old "leopard changes
    its spots" routine and "ex-insider reveals secret
    information to beat the bad guys".

    Next, your bullets contain a lot of "you will learn"
    or similar. Rewrite to make them more interesting
    and get under the skin.

    The bullets could be made far more concise and
    punchy too. Some could be split into two or
    perhaps three bullets. For instance "Sneaky Airline
    Pricing Tricks" bullet becomes:

    # Discover the tell-tale signs that reveal your
    fare contains unadvertised taxes and hidden fees
    that will turn your irresistible deal into a rip-off.
    Learn to spot these and you'll never be taken
    for a ride again... and know exactly when you're
    getting the "real deal"

    # Classified information revealing how to take
    advantage of specials and (dirt-cheap) time
    promotional prices. Hint: search for a flight on
    one day and you get rock-bottom prices... search
    on another and you get hit with the extortionate
    "suckers fares". Only the savvy traveler knows
    this technique. We show you how to become
    one of them...

    I just knocked these out, so they can be improved
    a lot, but I think you get the drift...

    Overall, try to make the writing more punchy.

    A few other points to think about... I would lose
    the "Still not convinced" line? It gives the impression
    that people are not convinced, which reflects badly
    on the offer.

    I'd also lose the deleted prices, and the lower
    price technique. Communicate the value of the
    product and charge a good price.

    There are lots of other things you could do to make
    this letter really fly... but if I told you any more
    I'd be writing the letter for you.

    It's a good effort, and I think the product has
    some real potential.

    All the best

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    "Downsized" ticket-agent releases an eye-opening report on -

    "How The Airlines Blatantly Rip You Off
    !"

    - the secrets to BIG SAVINGS on all your Flights
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    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      I agree that you need to break up your paragraphs a bit, especially the first one.

      There is one part that is extremely good, but you have it as a 'sidebar' extra.

      That is the part about receiving threatening emails. If this is in fact true, then I would work it into the headline or sub headline. I am guessing that the threatening emails are coming from the airline companies? If so why not something like this as your subheadline:

      "I released this guide ?? weeks/months ago and have since received numerous threatening emails from all the major airlines demanding I remove these money-saving, airline industry 'hush hush' methods at once ... however as a downsized employee of this lying and cheating industry ... I will not take this information off the market until I am legally forced to do so!"

      Obviously that needs work, but you get the idea. Your giving the impression that these are REAL secrets! Not just 'lesser known facts'. You know secrets that are powerful enough to have the airline industries take the time to contact you!

      I like the "critical Update" you used. I would suggest doing that as well, make it look like you have added it in after. Maybe put a date like "Critical Update: 12/11/2009:" and in a box like you have.

      This also has a sense of scarcity and urgency to it. For all they know you may be legally forced to take it down anytime ... if they are interested they will want it now!

      I also agree with Alexa, remove bonuses 4, 5 and 6. Your product has enough appeal that it doesnt really need those bonuses. 1, 2, 3 and 7 are more than enough to add the extra value.

      Also always remember to test any suggestion you get. Dont just put it in thinking it is better. It never hurts to test and you can avoid adding any bad suggestions to your copy.

      Ashley

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  • Profile picture of the author KristiDaniels
    1. Test a proven background (gradient blue)

    2. Put some more white space above and below the prices in the belcher button.

    3. Test the graham button instead of the belcher button. This seems like the perfect market to prefer the graham button.

    4. Test Impact for your headline.

    5. Kill the P.S. at the end (as a test).

    6. Test each bonus. My guess is that only two will survive the test. The others are killing conversions.

    7. Add white space to all paragraphs. Test only two-three sentences per artificial paragraph.

    8. Add some urgency.

    I don't see anything "wrong" with the copy other than the bonuses, lack of urgency and the P.S.'s. Be sure to have alternative versions under test though.
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  • Profile picture of the author ScoTech
    That's so funny about the bonuses, I recently just added 4,5,6. I added them because not everybody was downloading the bonuses, so I wanted to add some more variety, in case my original ones weren't appealing to enough people. I think I will test removing the bonuses as part of my split testing going forward.

    Thank you everyone for your great advice. Looks like I definitely need to bust up my paragraphs. Keep it coming, you guys are so inspiring.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    ScoTech, get yourself the Ultimate Belcher Button. Comes with Rollover, resizing and SFX ("rout", "rover", "tick", "tock")


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