Salescopy First Time - Critique Please...

Well first of all your headline isnt very good. What is a "membership business"?? If I came to your site I would think it was some sort of franchise type business, where I sell actual membership sites or something. I think people would more easily grasp the term "membership site".

With your headline you need to hook em, put something there that they couldnt possibly turn away from. If you are marketing to marketers, then maybe you can get away with stating your unique sales position, what makes you different from the rest. Which if I am correct, is that you walk them throught the whole process via skype. That is something I would put in the headline.

Also ... 75 bonuses!!!!!! That is way to many. It makes you original offer seem like nothing special. The least you could do is remove all the ebook images for the PLR and just list them in normal print.

And with your other bonuses, if you feel that the customer could benefit from them, just list the MAIN ones, the most relevant and then say something like "You will also receive many other marketing tools and information. All free."

But I think it needs a lot of work. Hopefully a pro will come in and offer their point of view.

Did a quick run through your sales copy.

For a person that pulls the scrollbar handle down fast when not hooked by the headline, probably the only interest that remains to spend a few more seconds there is the wicked wish to find faults with spellings and grammar. A few such instances couldn't escape my eyes. (Fine, I know, you can very well take care of them easily.)

But one of your headlines confused me instead of hinting about what is going to be below it. Look here:
The first line is fine but what is the sub heading doing there? If it is not damaging the setting you created with the first line, it is at least confusing. Does it mean that you will cut off the support after 7 days?

As I set out to write this, I felt urged to scroll further down to this headline:
No, there is no problem with this except for the point it tries to make: those who like it should own it. Did you mean to say download it? At least, this is what struck my mind the moment I SAW it.

The point is, you are a technocrat who is trying to be a businessman. Be that, but leave the copy writing to a professional.

Hi Santosh,

I've had a read through your site and I'll offer the following advice:

As a non-native speaker your English is excellent but it's far too formal for a sales letter. It should read as a very informal, conversational style of writing, like you're relaxing and talking with your friends. Obviously without spending time around native speakers that's going to be difficult for you. And that's really the major problem with your letter, get this sorted and everything else should fall into place.

Other minor issues include, as mentioned above, (Totally 7 days) - it just doesn't make a great deal of sense. Maybe change the whole subheading to something like 'You'll be up and running within a week - Guaranteed'.

Your headline needs to be stronger and you need to properly define your USP and then focus on it.

'Dear friend,' has become a bit too cliched. Always try to be as specific as possible.

Get a bit more variety in there in terms of layout and formatting. E.g., you could have a graphic as your bullet point, maybe use some yellow highlighting and space it all out a bit more. It needs to be as easy and interesting to read as possible.

In your bullets 'Entreprenaurs' should be 'Entrepreneurs'.

Make your guarantee stand out more.

I think you can scrap most of your enroll now instructions and just take a name and email address and say you'll get back to them. And as soon as you do have sites available I'd get rid of it completely and just use an order button.

Your bonus section needs to be trimmed down as it's overwhelming. Instead of showing everything you could say something along the lines of 'Over 70 bonus items including:' and then list a few of the better ones. And remember anyone who's looked into this a bit will know most PLR stuff's worthless junk.

Your testimonials can be edited a little, possibly even rewritten in more suitable English (but don't forget to get permission). And highlight the best part from each, maybe putting it at the top. Also space them out a bit more and have a larger margin on all sides of the box. And if you can, get some headshots.

And I think you need to focus less on the technical side of things; you're mentioning a lot of things a lot of people don't know and just don't care about. As you're targeting none techies this is going to turn off a lot of your prospects, and as you're dealing with it all they don't need to know. You should, however, focus more on the content side of it as that's what the customer needs to bring. Maybe you could offer a content service as an upsell as I'm sure you could find cheap article writers with good English.

I've spent more time on this than I wanted to and the more I read, the more I think your letter needs completely restructuring and rewriting. You need to hammer home the simplicity and ease of your service, but in simple and easy terms. Keep your sentences short and keep focusing on benefits to the customer. You might even be able to redo it as a 'make money from your hobby' style letter.

Sorry if this has rambled on a bit, but it's late and I need sleep.

Don't hesitate to ask if you want anymore help.

Your headline is so long it needs footnotes. The same thing goes for your paragraph headers. As mentioned, the writing is very stiff and formal. Try and make it friendlier, more conversational, as though you were sitting across from a friend explaining what you have.

You have a lot of bullet points that explain features. You have no benefits listed at all. Lots of people get features and benefits confused. A feature is the 18-carat gold shift knob that comes with your new Porsche. The benefit you get from that is the feeling of pride knowing that you only accept the best.

You need to go through your copy identifying the features and then relate them to how people are going to feel because of them. Benefits almost always appeal to emotion and often to vanity.

You have a decent start but until you make this page a lot more user-friendly I doubt you'll see much in the way of positive results. Good luck.

Hello Santosh,

Happy New Year to you too.

As far as I can see, there are two overarching problems here:

1. The level of English is crippling readability. I fear that most of your prospects will not be accommodating on this front... and will just surf off elsewhere.

I'd suggest you hire someone to go over your letter and smooth out the wrinkles. It doesn't even need to be a copywriter - just someone who's a native speaker of English and has reasonable writing ability.

2. Benefits:

You list through the features of your membership sites program. You certainly state the immediate benefit associated with each, I give you that (e.g. "save time and money", "receive payments easily", etc.).

However, I think what's missing here is an overall view of the end benefits:

Why do I want a membership site?
Why is it a better business model that the alternatives?

Unless, of course, you're selling to people who are tightly targeted and already want a membership site service.... in which case you have a slightly different problem:

You're not really standing out from the competition by explaining what you do differently... how your service is superior... basically your USP.

The alterations that need to be made here depend on the target market. The question is:

Are you selling this service to people who want an internet business, or are you selling the service to people who have decided that they specifically want a membership site, but want to outsource the technical side?

I know I've already mentioned the English language issue, but I'd like to point out that the whole thing is extremely wordy. That doesn't help readability.

Suggestion: don't try to overcompensate by using complicated language. Write simply, to the point. Don't worry about sounding like someone who commands a mastery of language - focus more on getting the message across.

For example, your headline could be shortened to

"How to build a custom membership site in 30 days or less... without having to deal with any "technical" stuff"

and still communicate almost the exact same message.

If you'd like to "trick" your mind into doing this for, imagine you're sitting down and talking to a friend. He's just asked you: "What do you offer? And why should I buy it?"

Write down your answer. Then use that as your basis.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Gil-Ad

Hi santosh,

God job so far I notice you made some changes

There are a number of things I notice but I will put it very simply as Russell brunson says.

who are you
what do you have
why do they need it
where can they get it

I wrote my own copy too and man alive it is the hardest thing I have ever done and I still am unhappy with it.

The headline is just not even a headline it is a paragraph.

The things offered sound good but you have not told them it is the best proven method to make a residual income online which it is.

You are offering training but training for what the technical side . or are you going to teach them the a-z of membership sites including the hard parts of it.

With your call to action your offering a $247 price tag is that one time what do they get out of it for that amount. you have some pretty stiff competition in this niche you really need to do a lot more to make yourself stand out.

What kinds of things do you offer in the training is it one package they study do you offer it in modules.
also too many people who you work with this is not customers who have used you if you have no customers other people are not going to be pursuaded to try it out.

How is the membership site packaged. why do they need support if it is done for them. etc

Use the belcher button it is the most proven button to help bring in coversions belcherbutton.com

I also train people in this area but do not charge like you and I offer way more. you need to present your idea and solution in a way people will get excited about . Juice it up create excitement make them see why they can't lose with this offer.

Finally put a video on there. give some personal touch to it. whether it is through a camtasia showing them the procedure of what your offering or yourself talking . people love that.

Don't advertise so many bonuses it just makes your offer tacky. Give them a reason to act right away and when they do then hit them with some unadvertised bonuses or whatever .

Create an urgency for them.


Your going to do fine my friend I see what your trying to do but I am not the average customer. be very clear and let your personality shine through in your writing.

HTH
-WD

Santosh, I admire your moxxy. You have a great product with a lot of value. All you need to do is refine your presentation and raise the emotional roof on this puppy.

So, my critique will feel a bit blunt, only because I want to be clear.
Here we go...



Lose the Login - Put in a link at the top right
Take all of the other links and place them in the footer

Headline
Your headline is informative - but it doesn't trigger any emotion. Remember people coming to this page has a specific problem. That's their trigger and the key to their wallet. Your headline has to promise a solution to THAT problem.

Your headline needs to isolate and zero in on that problem like a cruise missle. Dumb down your language a bit and hit the benefit hard:
Step-by-Step Development Training Program = Step-by-Step/Paint-By-Numbers/ System
Completely eliminate any technology issues = Chimpanzee Easy, Tailor Made for Tech-Idiots
Growing Your Business = Triple your revenue and erase your cash flow worries

You need to nail the headline or your letter simply won't get read...

You need a "deck" or a quick section before your headline hit the reader with 2-3 benefit zingers

Your angle needs to be tweaked a bit. You are implying that 30 days is fast...for 99% of your audience that is way too long. If this is the real number then you need to explain how much value you get up-front to justify it taking this long.

Your benefit bullets:
1. There's a copywriting rule that says "Show Don't Tell" - You are telling me that these are "Fabulous"but you aren't showing me why. Really focus on selling the emotional and logical benefit of each of these bullets.

How are you delivering this program?
You mention a "web confering service" but this sounds like it will be a lot of work and extremely technical.
Make it easy to understand exactly what I will be getting - and most of all get my heart pumping about how cool the whole process will be! Are you training me via video, audio, special reports, an interactive online learning center, webinars? That's the type of detail that will help the reader imagine using the service and lower their resistance to paying - $247

Step by Step Section

Step-by-Step is a power-phrase that implies simplicity. However this section is cumbersome and boring. The repeated use of certain words lulls the reader to sleep. Shorten this section, break out your thesauraus, and write in the active voice.

Am I Qualified:
People really don't care as much as - will you deliver results. Use the testimonials to get this point across.

THe Price Section:
You state that the MembershipAssist service comes at a "very special price!!!" but you need to show me why it's special. Is it a discount? Is it a limited time offer? Is it an exlusive offer?

Sell the $247 price value - show the reader what doing all of this yourself would cost them (make the numbers as credible as possible)

THe Guarantee -
Push the Guarantee - This is classic risk reversal - and $247 is risky. Name Your Guarantee to give it more punch. The "Refund or Credit" line confuses me - what's the difference. 10x the investment or $2,470 isn't blowing up my skirt. Promise them more - "Recurring Revenue that comes in with little to no work on your part - Finally your website will be working for you rather you you working for it!"

You mention only 10 memberships are available/then later on 20

The presentation of your offer would benefit from creating an offer box that puts the guarantee, price, bonuses, and main product elements in one spot.


Stan

Judging from their posts, it looks like you changed your sales copy quite a bit.