Need a sales page critique please!

Your story certainly resonated with me as I wanted to join the RAF as a pilot but my eyesight let me down. Overall this seems like a pretty good letter.

I did notice a few things you could improve:

Personally, I dislike the 'as seen on' graphic.

Make it a bit more 'you' centered as opposed to 'I' centered.

Use more bullets.

Your 'here's what's included' section is just a box picture.

Here in the UK near/farsightedness are commonly referred to as short/longsightedness; maybe something to consider to maximize appeal.

Maybe stress the difference between using your product (perfect vision) and not (just the same, if not worse). E.g., In x months you could be still sat there with your uncomfortable glasses, that look like they need cleaning for the dozenth time and are continually slipping down your nose or you could... then hammer home the benefits of your product.

You don't feature enough benefits, what about playing sport, playing with the kids/grandkids, maybe needing more than one pair, having to get prescription sunglasses or crappy clip-ons. I'm sure there are plenty more too including contact lens specific ones (can't help there as I've never liked even the idea of wearing them).

Hope some of this helps you.

The whole "Optometrists FORCED to Agree..." premise just had me going "BS" from the off. And you need headshots. Of people in glasses. Really big thick glasses. I prefer this line as your head -

I decided to do a little more research on this for my own benefit. I'd heard about eye exercise programs before but never took action as none seemed truly convincing to me.

What I came across that will be of interest to you is this site:

Rediscover Your Vision Product Review Sheet

A 64% refund rate suggests something's wrong with your product. Or, at the very least, you're massively over-hyping it.

Hi guys, thank you all very much for your time there are some fantastic tips here and i am particularly interested in all your thoughts on the headline so thank you.

I purchased this product from flippa.com a few months ago but the old copy was terrible. I am fairly new to the copywriting world so I had the copy redone by a very good writer I know. I think he has done a fanstastic job on it and i see that a lot of you agree.

I think my problems could be mostly to do with this particular niche, i just have to work out what makes them tick. The other big seller on CB is very similar and it has been at around 30-50 grav for a long while. I have checked the product and mine is just as good, in fact i might say it is of better quality.

@Ross Bowring yes i was thinking maybe a shorter headline too thanks

@avani, yes the book is based on the Bates method, there are some bonus charts and documents that compliment the main product and having it all in one package i think should be appealing to people who do not know how to or cant be bothered researching the method themselves.

@kfk2003, not sure where they got those figures from, to be honest i have only sold 3 copies and they have not been refunded at all.

I have another question regarding text colour. As you can see on the old letter here the colours are similar to the design of the page. That copy never converted at all. Is this a common problem with having not traditionally tested converting colours as your headlines etc?

I do see the claim as facetious, actually. As a person with
less than 20/20 vision I view the claim as not-credible,
not empathetic with my problem, and not to be taken
seriously... so perhaps it's unintentionally ridiculous, but
as somebody right in the target market for this product,
it's a big turn-off.

That being said, I do agree that you want to go for
a dramatic claim - but when you're talking about health
problems you need to be careful because your prospects
are suffering.

I went on Amazon and typed in "Throw away your glasses"
and found a few books there. You can sometimes see
a graphic of the back of the book and get some insight
as to the type of copy a mainstream health-book jacket
copywriter used.

When I got to the page I scanned down it reading just the red words to decide whether I was going to read it or not. A lot of people do this before diving into a big letter like this.

Something has to jump out at them and convince them to start from the top instead of clicking the back button.

Instead we see this:

Until The Problem I've Had My
Whole Life SUDDENLY Destroyed
My Career... Before It Even Began.

The Only Thing That I Thought I
Couldn't Change... My Poor Eyesight...
Was The Only Thing That Was Stopping
Me From Achieving My Happiness

And Even Though My Career
POOFED Into Thin Air, Something Kept
Me From Giving Up Completely.

Put some promises/benefits in red instead of these vague sentences. Make sure I have a reasonable idea of the benefit I will get from reading the article from the subheadings.

Also I personally like the "by the time you finish reading this page you'll be able to throw your glasses and contacts away permenantly" as a heading, even though some of you don't. Maybe a bit too much hype, but if the product can live up to it go for it. Just make sure you prove what you are saying to the reader (haven't read the whole thing... sorry you failed my scan test...)

Hi Mill123,

Nice effort. Definitely worth testing as is.

Minor points:

I think you you might need to bolster up the proof of "Optometrists forced to agree..." You didn't really prove that.

I really had challenges believing the glasses and contact lens perscriptions actually made my eyesight worse. That what you are saying doctors are prescribing is doing damage to your eyes. I mean that would be really bad!

Can you prove that? Like truly prove that? Where's the proof? State the research.

I think you could have addressed the LASIK competive alternative better. Meaning HEAD ON. As a point of contrast, you could say:

"By the way: Sure, LASIK works well for lots of people and they benefit, but for some people it's really risky. And for others, downright dangerous to your eye health. Like comedian Kathy Griffin (Bravo Channel's Diva of the D-List.) She's open about the practically being blind in one eye because of LASIK surgery gone bad.

Go ahead, check this out:

YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.

"

Also get her Time Magazine article and discusses and use pull quotes from it.

Besides that, just for kicks I would take a visit to the local LASIK surgery center. One that has done a ton of operations. I would actually take their exam (but I personally would never do the surgery. I can't even touch my own eye, it's too scary.)

Once I was there, I would chat up the staff and the doctor really, really good.

When I left, I would know:

1. Who are the most likely people to go forward with the surgery? Meaning what are their professions or what professions, like fighter pilots, do they want to have? Men or women, etc. Who specifically are they?

These people are your TARGET MARKET. And in the future, you'd be able to offer customized versions of the letter to them. For instance, maybe they are swimmers or scuba divers.

2. Why would they want to move forward with the ultra-expensive surgery compared to contact lens and glasses? Maybe it's beauty, but they find contacts inconvenient or difficult... maybe it's because of their job... Maybe it's a vanity thing... or a job thing. etc.

Whatever they say is going to be perfect and you should run, not walk back to include that in your letter.

Then I'd get a couple of the contracts and highlight the disclaimer. To reinforce the risk.

But definitely find a LASIK center that has done a lot of surgeries so you can get a better sampling of ideas. Maybe visits a few different ones once you get comfortable chatting people up there.

The research is going to be amazing!

Then how about "LASIK Surgery Gone Bad: Find out how you can achieve the SAME benefits of LASIK for .0074 of the cost--and NONE of the risk"

If a LASIK suregy is $5,000 and your product is $37, who wouldn't want to at least try it?

I am sure you could probably come up with a better headline but you get the idea.

Then I would do a bit more research and discover:

1. How many LASIK Suregies there were for various time frames. Last year, to date and last ten years.

2. Then I'd find out how many of those LASIK suregeries went bad or the patient was dissatisifed with the results. (You probably won't get an accurate answer from the doctor.)

You may have to pay for that research, but it would be well worth the money and shouldn't be too expensive.

As you can see, I think your main competition might not be contact lenses and glasses, but at the same time, the LASIK rebuttal could be your greatest competitive advantage because you can scare the **** out of them and at the same time offer a safer alternative.

Also, I think the bonuses rather cheapen your offering, but maybe that's just me.

Wacky idea: What if you paid Kathy Griffin to do a video for you? Now that would be interesting! I'll bet she'd do it just for revenge.

Or at least see what reruns of her on Bravo and see if see talks about her bad LASIK job.

That would be really fun. Good luck.

- Rick Duris

PS: I think I will be meeting Kathy Griffin this week if that's any help and if you send me a bit more info, or want to pursue these ideas, I may be able to open the door.

thanks Rick and Seven777. some great points there.

Thanks again to all, you guys are full of gold.