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Having a tough time with writing my headline...

by ScottRobinson
21 replies
OK, I've read countless books on marketing from all the Guru's and have learned Direct Response Marketing to become one of the largest wireless dealers in the state of Florida, but that was easy for me because I had branded my company.

Now, I'm totally stuck!

My new site is totally being recreated into a membership site that comes with a wealth of knowledge, my contacts and exact resources how I earn on average 15-25% PER MONTH. That's not a typo and I've been doing this for years using several different investments...from Automated Robots to very unconventional and outside of the box methods.

This last year I cleared about 700% in totally passive income that I'm going to share with the public. Other than showing people my tax returns it's hard for people to believe. But it's the truth and I've been doing this for years and I've been very close to the vest with exactly how I pull this off every year. I'm not a genius, but I've been blessed with very wealthy friends and also have been an investor since I was 19, starting my first company.

I know that it will come down to doing alot of split testing, but my problem is that I don't want to sound like some pie in the sky or get mixed in with the "To hard to believe crowd" and I don't want people to just gloss over the headline and be so overboard in my statement/Headline.

There's so many ways to go and I end up with a headline that's way to long and try to touch on everything. My main keyword(s) are passive investing/Passive Income/Wealth Generation/Forex Robots and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Enough said... Here's what I've come up with:

"Semi-Retired Offline Millionaire Reveals All About How Anyone Can Make 15-25 PERCENT EVERY MONTH on their own money!"

"Discover the EXACT secrets to how I earn 15-25% PER MONTH on my own money using 100% hands free and passive income strategies...Full Access to my Golden Rolodex, Contacts, Resources and MORE!"

"Discover How I Legally Rob Banks and Make 15-25% on Autopilot Per Month...!00% Totally Passive Income Streams, millionaire investor reveals how anyone can do it to, NO EXPERIENCE Neccesary!"

Well? Which if any strikes your curiosity the most or would make you want to read on?

Feel free to criticize or add a subheader if you think of any.

Thanks Everyone!
Scott
#headline #time #tough #writing
  • Profile picture of the author dtendrich
    I like the angle on the first headline...

    But I think you can simplify it and de-hype it a bit, and just let the info create hype for you:

    "How Anyone Can Make 15-25% Every Month on Their Own Money... Without Doing a Thing"

    I'd play with that - the whole "make 15-25% passively" angle

    Cheers,
    David
    Signature
    Copywriting Tips, internet marketing jargon, thoughts, and rants by me.

    Atlanta Copywriter, serving clients worldwide.

    Write your life.
    David Tendrich
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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      As always, if you want me to do something for you, you've
      got to tell me what's in it for me, not how fabulous you are.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        The classic headline in that genre is Jim Sheridan's -

        "WANTED:
        Novice Crew to 'Rob' Banks Legally…
        … With an Inside Job!"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
          Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

          The classic headline in that genre is Gary Halbert's -

          "WANTED:
          Novice Crew to 'Rob' Banks Legally...
          ... With an Inside Job!"
          Pretty sure that's Jim Sheridan's headline, not G.H.
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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            [DELETED]
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            • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
              Metron...

              It's Jim talking about the letter he wrote. Can't see where he says Gary wrote the headline. Maybe you can point it out to me.

              There are also websites where people besmirch the product behind this letter, who go into detail about Sheridan telling the story at a seminar about how he wrote it. Best not to post them here out of respect. I'll PM you.
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              • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
                Banned
                Originally Posted by Ross Bowring View Post

                Metron...

                It's Jim talking about the letter he wrote. Can't see where he says Gary wrote the headline. Maybe you can point it out to me.

                There are also websites where people besmirch the product behind this letter, who go into detail about Sheridan telling the story at a seminar about how he wrote it. Best not to post them here out of respect. I'll PM you.
                Yes you're absolutely right. Just PMed you. Thanks! M.
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  • Profile picture of the author sgboston23
    show me the value with less of the cool-whip hype
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  • Profile picture of the author tryinhere
    "Your future security guaranteed. Millionaire Reveals unique business opportunity"
    Signature
    | > Choosing to go off the grid for a while to focus on family, work and life in general. Have a great 2020 < |
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  • Profile picture of the author TheChimp
    I like the jist of the 3rd headline.

    The whole concept of "legally robbing banks" is an oxymoron in itself. This in turn is guaranteed to keep people clinging for an answer.

    Play around with a few different titles containing words similar to this and i think you will get onto a winner in no time
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  • Profile picture of the author BizzyUK
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Give Me 5 Minutes
      And I'll Show You How To Make
      15% - 25% EACH MONTH
      Totally On Autopilot
      Signature
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      • Profile picture of the author MarkAndrews IMCopywriting
        [DELETED]
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        • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
          Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

          To be perfectly frank, I liked this one the
          most, no hype at all, just a bare boned
          factual headline.

          That in itself would lend me to think,
          'Okay what's in this for me'? ... and I
          would probably continue to read further
          down the sales letter.

          The rest of the headlines above, every-
          one has seen those a thousand times
          over and they just lead to a certain
          amount of headline blindness on the
          part of website visitors.

          Inwardly, with many of these other one's
          above, one just groans inwardly, 'Oh here
          we go again, another bloomin' outlandish
          income claiming sales page headline'.

          Just be factual and straight to the point,
          it's the main thrust of your deck that is
          going to convince visitors to your sales
          page to keep on reading further down
          below and hopefully, to make that
          purchase decision.

          Or, really come up with something unique
          and out of the box to grab that attention.

          Too many headlines these days are all the
          same. Break out of that mold and brand
          yourself as offering something uniquely
          different from the maddening crowd.

          Thanks Mark. I was trained by one of the best in the
          business.

          But I won't mention any names.
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          • Profile picture of the author Lance K
            It would help to have as much description about your ideal customer as possible. That way any market specific lingo, hot buttons, demographics, psychographics, etc. can be used when brainstorming headlines.
            Signature
            "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."
            ~ Zig Ziglar
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  • Profile picture of the author ScottRobinson
    Excellent feedback...It seems that the robbing your bank legally is an attention grabber. I'll mix it up and give it a go in the real world...

    Much appreciated WARRIORS!
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  • Profile picture of the author lakshaybehl
    15%-25% Return On Your Investment In A Month? No Way...

    The concept is that your claim is so big that it directly shoots the BS meter into the red zone. While it might be a sound approach that you're teaching, it is definitely not easy to prove it.

    Headlines that have inbuilt proof work best. Acknowledging of disbelief is an extremely subtle yet powerful type of proof.

    -Lakshay

    P.S. Combine benefits, curiosity and proof in one statement and that is much more likely to be the headline of your control.
    Signature
    WARNING EXPLICIT: This is ugly... and this is the distilled truth


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    • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
      That headline hurt my eyes and brain. Should be broken up into 3 seperate headlines if you ask me. Stick to the 8 second rule. New line for every 8 seconds of reading especially at headline.
      Signature
      SEO, copywriting and backlinks service UK
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  • Profile picture of the author David Maschke
    If you really want to get into the mindset of the investment and copywriting mentality, then you have to study some of the best sales letters in the world...

    site:isecureonline.com/Reports/ - Google Search

    Dave
    Signature

    I

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  • Profile picture of the author SeBrantigan
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author WD Mino
      Originally Posted by SeBrantigan View Post

      It needs to stand out - add a little humour and curiosity to the title if possible. Elaborate a little in the title because you need to SELL the article/email/whatever with the headline.

      Humor should not be used when selling a product it will turn a lot of people off Keep it simple. if I came to your site and saw 15-25 % I would think of what what does that mean is that good how much do I make

      One thing about people is you have to spell it out for them at least I was told so by the copywriters on here. People are not that bright they don't want to think they want to know upfront what your offering and why they should get involved.

      I try to keep things simple but don't always succeed but Russel Brunson says keep it stupidly simple Who are you what do you got why do they need it where can they get it. I miss it sometimes but it is proven to work so it is sound advice.

      just mo
      -WD
      Signature

      "As a man thinks in his heart so is he-Proverbs 23:7"

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  • Profile picture of the author ScottRobinson
    Wow, you guys are great...I think this is a Hot Topic and this thread has helped me out tremendously and I'm sure many others...

    Thanks for all your input!
    Scott
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  • Profile picture of the author ghyphena
    Yes, go ahead and call him - you heard him, he'll turn your product into CHAS MAKIN MACHINE!

    And, as a side note, for such a big claim you might want to try a spin on Gene Schwartz:

    Do You Have The Courage To Earn 25% A Month?
    Signature

    Gil-Ad Schwartz

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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi ScottRobinson and others,

      Here's a little tip:       Percentages alone (like 25%) are too abstract, UNLESS they denominated with some sort of base amount of money.

      For instance:

      ---------------------
      My program will show you how to turn your $10,000 into $12,500--in less than 12 months (An amazing annualized 25% return)
      ---------------------

      (That is NOT the headline you want to run with, I am offering it to clarify.)

      Stated differently, you can't put 25% in your wallet or purse or bank account. You want to make the results tangible as possible.

      - Rick
      Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author ScottRobinson
    OK...Here's what I Came Up With, What do You Think Guys?
    If you we're an investor, would this stop you in your tracks?
    "Advanced Artificial Intelligence: Extreme Performance, Extreme Accuracy... Unheard Of CONSISTENCY... A New Artificial Intelligence Frontier Has Been Established..."

    Bottom line, we produced solid PROOF that 95.82% accuracy is possible over a long period of time (consistency) ONLY if you can predict the immediate future...
    ...and ONLY if you can fuse new Artificial Intelligence technology and real, long term Forex trading experience...
    To produce results like:
    2009 Performance:
    1,865.33% (364 days)
    2008 Performance:
    623.47.84%
    2007 Performance:
    810.70%
    2006 Performance:
    333.05%
    2005 Performance:
    810.70%
    2004 Performance:
    677.67%
    2003 Performance:
    656.52%
    2002 Performance:
    441.28%
    2001 Performance:
    597.54%

    These Results are Documented Proof and History of XXXXXXXX from 2001.


    XXXXXX XXXXXâ„¢ Is The Outcome Of Our Personal 38 Years Of Combined Commercial Bank Trading Experience... You Can Count On The Best Of The Best... You Can Count On The Perfect (And Only) "Multi-Market" Forex Robot In The Market.


    2009: 1,865.33% (to date) • 2008: 623.84% • 2007: 612.91%
    2006: 333.05% • 2005: 810.70% • 2004: 677.67%
    • 2003: 656.52%• 2002: 441.28% • 2001: 597.54%



    The only way to CONSISTENTLY quadruple every single dollar deposited in your trading account is by having a robot that works with deadly accuracy in every single market condition.
    Again ... Quadrupling Your Dollars =
    EVERY SINGLE MARKET CONDITION Performance.



    BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, UNCONDITIONAL:

    Please, DO NOT Keep On Reading Before You Get To Know
    Who We Are, What We Do, And WHY We Can Back Up
    Our "Dollar Quadrupling" Claim Here...

    MORE CONTENT HERE>>>>>>
    OFPOASHDF{OIUHASD{SOIUFH{OADUHF{OHADF{OIUHAD{OIFH{ OIDAIHF{OHADOHF{OHDA{OFHG{ODUAHA{OUHFV{ODHGO{VDH{O VGHDO{HODSHGV{ODH................................. .............................................
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