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Hit a Roadblock with Sales Copy Headline....would love some help....

by x3xsolxdierx3x
25 replies
Hello Everyone,

My very first product is (finally) nearing a completion, but I know it's success or failure could ultimately hinge on effective sales copy....

With being "wordy" by nature, I'm having a difficult time fleshing out my headline/sales copy to something that will convert well....

UPDATE 4Jan2010:
http://www.ebookscreated.com/infobarrel/

For right now, my site is hosted on the main site of the fellow warrior who I engaged to design it for me...

After posting for some feedback in the main forum...a common comment has been that people get "Bored" by the text...and, that it actually seems like "WORK" to read through it all....

........

To give a little background...my partner and I wrote 6 books, that we are packaging in different ways for this product (Gold, silver, platinum, etc...).....

We have been members of this website for months, and have written over 470+ articles combined....and, we make several $100/month with this sites generous Adsense revenue share (100% share of up to 90% of the impressions)....so, we decided to write this eBook course about it....

Is my current headline effective? Should I throw some "numbers" into it?.....

I know that many of you guys probably charge money for feedback like this....

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to help me with the headline, at least.....
#copy #headlinewould #hit #love #roadblock #sales
  • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
    Also, we did a tremendous amount of research into about 18 other revenue sharing websites....and, we consolidated it all into the "CHART" on our page....

    ...we are also both the leading contributors on this platform, that currently has over 7,000 members, and 16,000 articles.....(think eHow, Squidoo, etc....only in its infancy, but growing FAST...)....

    I was thinking a headline like...

    "Two Leading Info Barrel Contributors conduct ground breaking research into other Revenue Share Websites, so you don't have to..."

    or something like that...

    sigh....would love any help! Thank yoU!
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  • Profile picture of the author ghyphena
    I don't think your headline - the one on the site - is too wordy. Is it great? Maybe not... but it's not nearly as much of a mouthful as some of the IM-related ones I've seen.

    If you will forgive me for going "off course", as it were - I think a narrower container for the text would serve you well, as would rethinking that header: it eats up a LOT of valuable above-the-fold real estate.

    Headshots of you and your partner would be good attention-grabbers.

    In fact, you could even do an online version of "the Ogilvy" - put a photo of the two of you where your big header is now. That way the headline becomes a "caption" of sorts for the photo. Can't be any worse than what you've got now.

    "Learn" is what Scott Haines refers to as a "work word". It implies that effort is involved, and is therefore not a good choice. "Discover" or "find out" might be better.

    *Devil's advocate: Ben Settle argues against this conventional wisdom, and makes an interesting case (I find). Basically, you'll have to test to know for sure... but if I were you I would go with convention on this one.

    If you're going to go with your headshots at the top you may want to just get rid of the pre-head anyway. Just a thought. Or... make the "Finally revealed" your prehead. That way the rest of the headline sounds more newsy, fitting the "caption" feel.

    And, finally, if you don't like any of my other suggestions, there's always the old fallback:

    "Who else wants to make money with InfoBarrel?"
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    • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
      Originally Posted by ghyphena View Post

      I don't think your headline - the one on the site - is too wordy. Is it great? Maybe not... but it's not nearly as much of a mouthful as some of the IM-related ones I've seen.

      If you will forgive me for going "off course", as it were - I think a narrower container for the text would serve you well, as would rethinking that header: it eats up a LOT of valuable above-the-fold real estate.

      Headshots of you and your partner would be good attention-grabbers.

      In fact, you could even do an online version of "the Ogilvy" - put a photo of the two of you where your big header is now. That way the headline becomes a "caption" of sorts for the photo. Can't be any worse than what you've got now.

      "Learn" is what Scott Haines refers to as a "work word". It implies that effort is involved, and is therefore not a good choice. "Discover" or "find out" might be better.

      *Devil's advocate: Ben Settle argues against this conventional wisdom, and makes an interesting case (I find). Basically, you'll have to test to know for sure... but if I were you I would go with convention on this one.

      If you're going to go with your headshots at the top you may want to just get rid of the pre-head anyway. Just a thought. Or... make the "Finally revealed" your prehead. That way the rest of the headline sounds more newsy, fitting the "caption" feel.

      And, finally, if you don't like any of my other suggestions, there's always the old fallback:

      "Who else wants to make money with InfoBarrel?"
      ghyphena,

      I'm really grateful for the time you took to help me out here. I feel like there are a million and one different ways I could go with the sales headline, alone....and, I'm not 100% sure what would be most effective...

      I do feel that I've done a VERY good job 'pre-qualifying' potential buyers....who, I fully anticipate probably will just strait to the order button, without even reading all the sales copy. I've had a few hundred people email me already saying they "Can't wait" to purchase it.....but, I think keeping and maintaining the momentum of sales, in the longrun, will lie in the hands of effective sales copy....

      ....I'd really like for the headline to leave people "wondering" or "curious"....and, also feel like we have given alot to them already (in terms of research?)....

      We basically laid out the functionality/revenue share/and offerings of Info Barrel in comparison to some of the most Elite website's in the revenue share industry (eHow, Squidoo, HubPages), and I 'think' we did a rather effective job at actually selling the platform....

      ....so, I've been caught between "selling the platform", and "selling the product"....when we sell the platform, and get people to use it, I strongly feel like we will be greatly expounding our potential customer base, just by virtue of them using, and being intrigued by the platform itself....

      ....As they continue to use the website, we hope they will begin to have a 'need' for our product.....

      ....do you think having the pictures of us, appearing at the very end of the page, is TOO late in the sales copy?

      Someone had actually mentioned that we should consider using our "avatars" from that platform, that people are familiar with, and can directly attribute and relate to our own articles and helpful posts on the forum....I feel there actually is alot of trust and respect established from our recognizable avatars....do you think THAT would be an effective strategy at all?
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  • Profile picture of the author Elsabe Furness
    I do think that the headline is a bit wordy (it lost me half way).

    I do agree with ghyphena that a narrower container may be good but back to the headline.

    My personal opinion is that it's not "attention grabbing" enough.

    Maybe try something like:

    Discover how a complete newbie makes $??? in he's first month with Info Barrel - now of course you can also change 'complete newbie' to fit in with the demographics of who uses this product such as retired people, housewife, single mom of 3 etc. etc. (don't know what your demographics are but you should know)

    And then maybe as a subtitle:

    Top Contributors to Info Barrels Success FINALLY Reveal their Proven Secrets and Methods

    This is just a thought.

    I do know of a free report about "Sales Copy Changes That Can Boost Your Conversions" that may be of some use to you. Let me know if you would like the link.
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    • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
      Originally Posted by Elsabe Furness View Post

      I do think that the headline is a bit wordy (it lost me half way).

      I do agree with ghyphena that a narrower container may be good but back to the headline.

      My personal opinion is that it's not "attention grabbing" enough.

      Maybe try something like:

      Discover how a complete newbie makes $??? in he's first month with Info Barrel - now of course you can also change 'complete newbie' to fit in with the demographics of who uses this product such as retired people, housewife, single mom of 3 etc. etc. (don't know what your demographics are but you should know)

      And then maybe as a subtitle:

      Top Contributors to Info Barrels Success FINALLY Reveal their Proven Secrets and Methods

      This is just a thought.

      I do know of a free report about "Sales Copy Changes That Can Boost Your Conversions" that may be of some use to you. Let me know if you would like the link.
      I'd like to see that link Elsabe.... Thank you!
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      • Profile picture of the author Elsabe Furness
        Originally Posted by x3xsolxdierx3x View Post

        I'd like to see that link Elsabe.... Thank you!
        I apologize for the belated reply - took some time off.

        I've added the link in my sig.

        P.S. As with most things on the internet, they want you to sign up. My recommendation would be to sign up, get the report and then just unsubscribe later. But this report is very good.
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        • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
          This confuses me "Top Adsense Revenue Sharing Website"What's wrong with "have discovered a secret way to make a fortune on the internet".

          Do you need to refer to the soldier AND guard? Why not just talk about the returned soldier? I know we're only looking at the headline here but if you focus JUST on him then you can tell his story without needing to share the the sales copy with two people.

          You need a photo of him too. Perhaps a before and after, ie him in his army gear and him in his Ferrari (for example).

          The hook here is you've got a dumb soldier who only knew how to kill people is now making big money online. And...IF HE CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN. Don't get bogged down in the actual product. Introduce how it works during the sales copy.

          So, how about "How A Soldier Just Back From Afghanistan Discovered How To Easily Make Great Money On The Internet".
          Then as a subhead you could say "His weapons used to be an AK47 and a grenade launcher. Now all he is armed with is a laptop and an internet connection. And he's positively lethal."

          Oh man, is that the time! I've got work to do.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    To put it bluntly (in my inimitable style) the whole pitch is dead boring and the layout atrocious. Get rid of that cheesy banner for starters. Cut to the chase. Start out by making yourselves the heroes. Try something like -


    Clear and Present Danger
    "How One Returned Soldier and One Jail Guard Are Killing It On Info Barrel"
    Info Barrel's Top Two Contributors reveal exactly how they are raking it in.
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  • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
    for some reason, the words "Braved the Trenches" keep coming to mind....but, I'd have to think more about how to best manipulate the wording to integrate something like that....
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  • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
    Does anyone here think the "Comparison Chart" helps at all, with presenting a compelling case for a sale? Thanks everyone!
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  • Profile picture of the author Moolah_Copywriting
    As for the comparison chart, I say yank it. It's hard to read and takes way to much energy for your reader to wrap their head around it.

    Pull out the 3-5 features that 90% of your readers care about. Turn them into benefits that get's them salivating and then add an emotional hook so they can't live without it.

    Salesletters are all about momentum and this chart stops me cold.

    Stan
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  • Profile picture of the author MacS09
    Just a quick first impression (agreeing with a lot that has been said above):

    Get rid of the graphic at the top; it's ineffective, eats real estate and looks run-of-the-mill stock image rather than directed at your audience.

    The entire intro ignores the IM mantra: You need to broadcast on radio WIIFM - the whole thing is not about you and your partner, however interesting you may be, but about your reader who only thinks What's In It For Me.

    What are your readers' problems? How do you solve them? That will hook them.

    By sticking to this, you have to bin a lot of your copy at the beginning, but you can use the content later on to show the reader (when it's time to pull out credentials) why you know what you're talking about.

    I hope this helps.

    Best of luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author jamespereira
    I suggest in your header, you state how much is made every month - instead of "consistent profits". Makes it more believable.

    Next, get rid of "don't worry". Worry is a negative word.

    Thirdly, your audio should auto-play. I learnt that from Alex Mandossian. It tends to grab your readers attention.

    Think about adding a video - maybe of both of you with a short intro at the beginning of the sales letter.

    Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
    Hey everyone,

    I've been taking some of the feedback and adjusting accordingly here. There are still quite a few things I need/want to do...

    It's been a few days since I posted the initial version. HERE is what I have right now:
    InfoBarrelSuccess.com :: Everything You Need To Know To Make Money on Info Barrel!

    ....I'm not 100% sure about what to put in the "header" spot, if I remove that completely.....

    I will be replacing the current buttons with the "Belcher Buttons"...

    ...and I am STILL working on giving the sales copy a pretty extensive makeover.....

    How does the headline look now?
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    • Profile picture of the author DaveHughes
      A question from a noob here...you say you've done a good job of pre-qualifying your traffic.

      Do YOU write or contribute content to any one of these websites: Squidoo, eHow, HubPages, Bukisa, Xomba, Suite101, or WiseGeek? How would you like to make more money on a platform where your Adsense ID is displayed 90% of the time and you receive 100% of the advertisements generated income? Now you can with Info Barrel Success!
      If they're pre-qualified, this has too much detail to me. If they're not...well, this has too much detail to me. Maybe something that keeps the same info, but presents it in a way that wouldn't cause "raw" traffic to go "Huh?" and click away.

      My humble attempt (please shoot it down, guys...I only ask that you explain where I'm screwing up here):

      As a successful writer, you get 50% (or less) of the AdSense revenue from your writing at Squidoo, eHow, HubPages, Bukisa, Xomba, Suite101, or WiseGeek. We'll make you twice as successful with 100% of your AdSense revenue with Info Barrel Success!
      Thoughts? Critiques? Vitriolic tirades?
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      • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
        Originally Posted by DaveHughes View Post

        A question from a noob here...you say you've done a good job of pre-qualifying your traffic.



        If they're pre-qualified, this has too much detail to me. If they're not...well, this has too much detail to me. Maybe something that keeps the same info, but presents it in a way that wouldn't cause "raw" traffic to go "Huh?" and click away.

        My humble attempt (please shoot it down, guys...I only ask that you explain where I'm screwing up here):



        Thoughts? Critiques? Vitriolic tirades?
        That last quote needs to be altered a bit. I'm still ironing out the "accuracy" of the sales page.....we've done a tremendous amount of research, and Info Barrel DOES offer a better Adsense revenue share than just about any other website...

        There are 1 or 2 that actually manage to offer 100% of revenue generated, however, their search engine ranking is so low (and interfaces so unappealling and unattractive) that it is hardly relevant....

        (Because the chance for people, themselves, to earn money on Adsense rev sharing sites is directly related to the same website's favor and authority in Google..........if a site doesn't have much favor, it's pointless to write for them even IF they offer 100% of the Adsense revenue...)
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  • Profile picture of the author wolfields
    Lots of good info here, I don't have anything to contribute ... other than .. are you live? Are you directing traffic to the site? What are your stats saying? Are visitors bouncing immediately? If its not up why not? Treat it as a lab ... a work in progress let your visitors tell you what they like (by sticking around - subscribing - buying - commenting). If you spend all your time trying to "get help" to "fix it" ... how can you expect to grow?

    Just my two cents
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  • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
    Just wanted to thank everyone for their help....this is slowly evolving....but, I "think" the headline is at least good....

    Does it at least make people interesting in reading more?

    I know there has to be more "fluidity" to the sales copy....wow....there really is an art to this...
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  • Profile picture of the author x3xsolxdierx3x
    I had a question I was wondering if someone could give some insight into:

    We are trying to figure out what exactly to 'offer', for free, to expand our email list through our Opt-in form.

    Currently, we have 6 products, that are all packaged into a Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum packages.

    We intentionally made TWO free items into the Platinum package, so as to hopefully drive people to that package.

    Those two items are:
    1) Latent Semantic Indexing Guide
    2) Info Barrel Toolkit/Resource Guide

    Do you think it would be a good idea to still offer the toolkit/resource guide as a part of the platinum package, BUT also make it available as a FREE download to those who join the mailing list?

    THIS is my thinking behind this move:

    1) This should at least draw eyes/recognition to the Elite Package.
    2) It makes the resource/toolkit look very valuable because it is referenced as being directly related to the Elite Package.
    3) In our Resource Guide, we have intentionally provided many social media avenues that people can "connect" with us....the more opportunity we give people to "connect" with us via MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, etc.....the more opportunity we have to reinforce and monetize our list.

    Would love to hear thoughts about this? I'm not 100% sure what to do...
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