Help needed please!!!

Hello Sam,

Post the NLP examples too.

I have two points to make about your non-NLP copy:

1. There's some (I guess inadvertent) causal linking and Ericksonian stuff going on (e.g. your use of modifiers), which, one could argue, is use of NLP in copy. Now, I appreciate that virtually all communication is peppered with these inadvertent patterns... but if it's your dissertation that's on the line you'll probably want to be extremely precise about the distinctions between NLP copy and non-NLP copy.

(BTW, that last sentence contains a whole handful of patterns. See what I mean about "everyday" usage?)

2. I can't tell you if it's "good" copy or "bad" copy because the type of copy I write is direct response copy rather than brand copy. I imagine that nearly every other copywriter on here will tell you the same.

So, the thing is, from a direct response point of view - it's ineffective. There's no call to action. DR copy is all about eliciting a certain response - a sale, a call, a visit to the store, etc.

And some of the benefits sound a bit "corporate", if you know what I mean.

Of course, that may be exactly what your professors are looking for. But I can't say if it's good or bad without knowing more about the "judging criteria", as it were.

Gil-Ad

You have an outline at best but not sales copy. The stuff you're calling benefits are features with only mild hints at benefits. What you've posted might work in a catelog listing but has virtually no 'pitch' attached.

The first thing that comes to my mind in your ads is that they are back to front: you end up with listing some of the results (=solutions) that people look for when they have a problem. But by that time you have lost them already.

Get on Hugh's notification list, he knows what he's talking about.

These are all sort of taglines or straplines... essentially branding copy.

And you're in a room full of direct-response copywriters, for the most part.

That's dangerous, Young Skywalker...

I'm also not clear on what you want from us. You have some NLP versions written and you want to know if these suck too badly to use as a fair comparison?

Yes. They suck. Too badly to use in a fair comparison.

In fact, I don't really know how to go about ELIMINATING the devices all copywriters use, consciously or not, to elicit an emotional attachment to what we write. It's the whole fargin' game, really.

See below... I'm not TRYING to embed NLP or any other specific programming - it just naturally occurs while making the point you want to get across.

You deserve i-Class comfort and style - Get there... in the new XYZ i-Class.


Only XYZ Cream rejuvenates you with 12 hours of Advanced Hydration from its blend of pure, sustainably-extracted Yellow Tang - nature's secret for beautiful skin.


XYZ Crunch - Bursting with sweet berry goodness that boosts your metabolism for a slimmer, healthier you!

Now, none of these are particularly "good" copy. And none of them are devoid of significant embedded commands and persuasion.

NLP happens...

It's "a mindset that happens to leave tools in its wake." (Ben Mack)

Hope this is in someway helpful and good luck with your dissertation!

Best,

Brian McLeod