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absolute newbie lookin for a little copy advice

by ABing
19 replies
alright, i've got my squeeze page up at AaronBingOnline.com
please critique and be brutal

I may as well say here that I'm kinda new at this, but I have an excellent coach and 'support staff'.

as far as what's in it for you, i will eventually have an affiliate program, plus if you haven't seen the workshops that i'm offering here, well, opt in and get on the list...that may be beneficial to you down the road as well.

that being said, i hope i'm not breaking any etiquette rules there. Brand-new to this forum as well.

also, this is not the niche that i intend to stay in, it's just something to get my started. I intend to move on to the green living/sustainability/alternative fuels/etc niche once i can fund it.

THANK YOU!! and let me know if i can help YOU out in any way in return.
#absolute #advice #copy #lookin #newbie
  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    I'm kinda doing this backwards, as I've got some high-profile connections before I even get started. SO, in the interest of scratching your back, we can talk about 'what's in it for you' i suppose...bear with me guys, I'm way new to this.

    THANKS AGAIN!
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      Just in a second's glance, you've got to break up those fat paragraphs.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Your headline is really weak and boring. You have way too much copy for a simple opt-in page so you need to edit it by at least half and probably a lot more. The paragraphs are too long.

    You need to get rid of the sidebar and center the opt-in form and graphics above the fold. You don't really need a link to another page for your privacy policy. You're also got a few punctuation issues, but those are the least of your problems. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author ABing
      and that's just the Adweber privacy policy. dunno what to do about that particular issue.

      punctuation issues...that irks me, i'm pretty proud of my grammar and punctuation...what'd i miss?
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    thing is, i'm getting a lot of help from someone essentially right next to me who's a real stickler about the way i'm doing things...so the format of the page itself kinda has to stay as is.
    I'd already realized i needed to break up the paragraphs...i think that's just a matter of breaking old 'high-school english' habits...
    As far as editing it down, how do i go about that without stripping away most of the benefits and such that i'm talking about?

    Any suggestions on the headline? i changed it up just a bit already.


    THANKS GUYS!!
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    what about 'Want to know how to increase your earning potential within the next 48 hours?'
    and
    'Want to know how to do so...etc.?'
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Well, you can leave the format as it is and please the person sitting beside you. Or you can take good advice and fix the page and actually get some people to subscribe to your list. Your call...
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    good point.

    what about the headline revisions?
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    alright, i've done a good deal of editing and tweaking...removed a few things, as well. I'm really not asking for anyone to hold my hand, but I do need all the help anyone's willing to give. Just take a look and tear it apart...please....

    THANKS AGAIN AND IN ADVANCE!
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Originally Posted by ABing View Post

      Just take a look and tear it apart...please....
      Okay.

      Do you know how to do so
      without leaving the
      comfort of your home?
      The second headline is terrible.

      The Internet is a way of life, especially for people in the IM niche. I can't imagine even one person thinking "without leaving the comfort of your home" is a big deal (benefit).

      Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    well, this is nice...fifty views already...i appreciate everyone takin a look at it, but leave some comments, please...
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    • Profile picture of the author davidjames42973
      In my opinion, everything looks good to me. Is it getting people to sign up? If not, try tweaking it here and there.

      Great looking site with good content. Good job!
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      • Profile picture of the author ABing
        Originally Posted by davidjames42973 View Post

        In my opinion, everything looks good to me. Is it getting people to sign up? If not, try tweaking it here and there.

        Great looking site with good content. Good job!

        thanks. it's brand new and hasn't actually been officially launched yet. I'm actually still waiting on one of the workshops to get finished and sent to me. Feel free to go ahead and sign up yourself. I'm just trying to get input and advice before I launch it and realize i have issues with it a little too late.

        thanks for the responses, guys, seriously.
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    point taken
    puts that in perspective a bit it does

    thank you sir

    but now what to change it to...hmmm
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    And let me know if any of you have anything you would like me to edit or critique in return. sometimes all it takes is an extra set of eyes to catch mistakes. And I'm actually a pretty good off-the-cuff editor. Still haven't found these punctuation errors, though...
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    okay, broke up the fat paragraphs, came up with a new subheadline, tweaked here and there and everywhere....any other thoughts or suggestions? Forgive me if i seem to be coming off as a moron here, i'm just really new to all this.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      I'm afraid your paragraphs are still too fat. Vary their length. One of four lines. The next just one line. The next two, etc.

      And maybe I'm way out the loop on some hippity hop street talk, but what does this mean...

      "Do you know how to do so without breaking the bank on the head end?"
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    uuummm...no 'hippity-hop' or 'street' talk here, man, i assure you. I detest that noise. No need to get personal. I DO appreciate your feedback, though. Just rackin my brain to come up with a decent subheadline. But I honestly don't see what's wrong with that one. 'Breaking the bank' is kinda obvious, it's not gonna cost a fortune. 'Head end' merely means 'at the start', 'in the beginning', 'getting started'...
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  • Profile picture of the author ABing
    It's almost painful to break them up any farther because I feel like I'm breaking sentences apart that are still dealing with the same topic. But I suppose I should just stop looking at it from that perspective.
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