Would people please give advice

by ms66
5 replies
This is my first attempt at copywriting, and I know there will be a lot of improvement needs to be made, but could you please view it and let me know, thanks.

The link is in my signature.
#advice #give #people
  • Profile picture of the author ghyphena
    Hello Mick,

    Here are my pointers for you:

    1. I like the countdown. It's good urgency because the deadline's real and everyone knows it (or can verify theoretically. It doesn't sound like BS, which is what I like about it).

    2. The letter itself is, first and foremost, incoherent. It sounds like it was written by someone with only an abstract understanding of English grammar.

    For example, your opening sentence:

    I say that because I know how frustrating doing your tax returns online can be especially when it is supposed to make your life easier.
    Say what? It makes no sense even when I carefully analyse your headline and subhead (which, by the way, asks a question without a question mark)... everything you say needs to be instantly clear.

    The bullets that follow on are similarly incoherent. If you use a lead-in (like "you're about to discover...") then every bullet must make sense when you plug it into the end of the lead-in. You can deviate a little, I suppose... but not when it's just 6 bullets.

    Here's what you've got:

    However I have good news how would you like to:

    Save Hundreds Of Pounds In Accountancy Fees

    Complete Your Tax Return At Your Own Pace

    In The Comfort Of Your Home

    Don't Get A £100 Fine For Submitting Your Tax Return Late

    If You're Not Sure, Just Stop And Go Back

    24/7 Email Support
    Your lead-in isn't punctuated... and then most of the bullets make no sense.

    "How would you like to don't get a 100 pound fine..." It just doesn't feel professional.

    3. Related topic: these bullets... they're not benefits. They're features. 24/7 email support means nothing unless you spell out why they should care. "Comfort of your own home" is a cliche that means nothing. Of course they're going to be at home, the whole point is filing your tax return on the internet!

    4. I have never researched the tax market, but I know just from personal experience of talking to people that bureaucracy, forms and especially tax forms can all be very daunting. For some people, the idea of having to organize their tax return leaves them with a sense of anxiety - even panic - and helplessness.

    If this is indeed true, it would be (in my opinion) a mistake not to capitalize on it in the letter.

    5. More on benefits: if I were to summarize the rest of your letter in terms of benefits, this is what it would look like:

    a. There are step-by-step instructions (which could be a benefit, sort of)
    b. You'll save accountant's fees

    This may not be enough. You might find that you need to do more selling... and introduce more benefits... to get people to buy this product.

    6. Credibility - as far as I'm concerned, you don't got none. You haven't explained what you know about tax, why anyone should listen to you... or why anyone should believe that you can help them. Who are you? Without telling me why you're qualified to guide me through this process.... why would I want to give you money?

    On top of that, you've got no testimonials. So all I'm left with is the feel of your site... which, quite frankly, looks like you went to e-lance and hired the $120 guy with the 2-hour turnaround.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I do think this site requires some work. You should know that, between my happy disposition and British understatement, I give some of the gentlest critiques on here. When some of the others see this they may "rip you a new one", as the saying goes.

    In any case, good luck with your letter.

    Gil-Ad
    Signature

    Gil-Ad Schwartz

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    • Profile picture of the author ms66
      No, not harsh at all, exactly what I need and I thankyou very much for the time you,ve took to answer my post, I will get to work on it.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Excellent analysis by ghyphena. If you went on the open market for a critique that would have cost you in the neighborhood of a couple hundred bucks.
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    • Profile picture of the author mmacombat
      To be able to write and improve my writing I use to read others article and I construct one to improve my writing.
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  • Hi Mick,
    ghyphena's critique is spot on. Just one more important piece to add. Take a look at your actual product and make sure it's hitting the sweet spot for your market.

    Is your market's core problem (the problem that will get them to buy) -
    - Spending too much time on Tax Returns or

    - Missing deductions
    - Not getting a refund

    People tend to react to a "make money" message than a "save time" message.

    Next point:
    Your entire letter lacks specifics which hurts it's credibility. For example, answer the questions: Save hundreds of pounds - How much on average?, Save time - How much?, etc.

    Stan

    ghyphena
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