Squeeze Page - Short Copy Or Long Copy?

24 replies
Hi guys just launching a newsletter about traffic generation, and was just thinking about weather my squeeze page copy is good enough its quite long. Any feed back or suggestions would be welcome.

The No Money Down Traffic System By Ben Harbour
#– #copy #long #page #short #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author k0zm0zs0ul
    Headline and subhead are too wordy for me right off the bat. Also the copy above the fold reads as a little too cookie cutter and super 'nice', if that makes sense. Like a kid wrote it. And you're asking questions, which could potentially lose them before they get down to the rest if they answer no. Not saying questions are bad, just test which works better..questions or statement variations.

    Below that, when you introduce yourself, you say dude right off the bat. That could be a turn off to some people, the oddest folks get ticked being called terms like man, or dude, or other slang.

    Personally I'd test it long form like it is, and then sharpen up the above the fold copy, and do a test of just the box of info you've got above the fold, deleting this line-->Then your just going to love this FREE 5 Day e-Course The Concept Is Simple:

    And putting a plain optin box field there. Just my thoughts.

    Good luck!

    C
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  • Profile picture of the author Batman
    bad color choice..
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  • Profile picture of the author Nickolie0990
    I've always had better results with short, narrow and too the point. Targeting the make money online is to broad, the more narrow the higher conversion. At least that is whats worked best for me.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      I think your headline could be better.

      I dont know if this is what you meant by it or not, but "unemployable" sounds like no employer is likely to hire you, because of you. Is that right? If so I dont think it adds to it.

      Why would someone want to take a chance at something that they might think will make them unemployable in the future?

      I am starting to think you mean that an employer wont get the chance to hire you, because you are making good money on the internet? Right? If so, then make it clearer.


      Also step four contains the word "work". I would take that out. Your offering people an alternative to normal work. You dont want to remind them of it.

      Why not say "Get paid for doing steps 1-3!" They can see steps 1-3, they can see what it entails, they know work is involved, but just dont remind them of it

      I would try testing just what you have above the fold, move up the optin box so it fits nicely and remove everything else. The rest just seems to be repeating it over and over.

      And the 4 orange boxes do a good job of simplifying what they will be learning so see how that goes.

      Ashley

      ps If you do keep the copy below the fold then I agree ... remove "dude"
      pss and if you do ... take out "Thank you for reading so far!", you dont need to apologize or pander to people. If they are thinking, "hey this sounds good, this guy seems to know what he is talking about, then they see that?? They will start to wonder if you are as credible as you seemed.
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  • Profile picture of the author kendrickyi
    As a general rule, a squeeze page should be short and it should be within the non-scrollable area of a web-browser (pardon the way I said that. I mean to say that when the visitor sees the page, he/she does not need to scroll down. You have to squeeze you content within the area. If the visitor has to scroll, don't make it too much scrolling.)

    You may want to check out this website (link below)
    How To Build Squeeze Page Series
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  • I like the headline. Interesting approach. Definitely worth testing.

    Some other thoughts...
    Bullets are weak. These are reading like features rather than benefits. I would revise to increase curiosity and get the reader to imagine having the product.

    The opt-in box needs to sell the click. Pull up your bonus offer in the P.S. and put here. Reiterate your top benefit.

    Can the "Guru Bashing". If you want to use this an angle then you need to frame your whole pitch around it. Now it just makes you look trite. Plus your not sure if "disgust and frustration" is the dominant emotion of the reader.

    "Why Are You Giving this Away for Free"
    Tighten up this entire section. The reason why is coming off as if you want me to sign-up so that you can spam me. The 4th paragraph is muddled and will actually "unsell" the reader. You may want to consider eliminating this section all-together.

    You may salvage it by coming up with a compelling reason that is focused on the reader's problem.

    Hope this helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author wrcato2
    It would be fine for a landing page. A squeeze page fits on the screen. I would place your form at the top. Leave the one at the bottom most people are lazy if they make it that far down your page, they won't want to back scroll up.

    Make your bullets spicier here is one you can use for free
    How To Get On The 1st Page Of Google 80% Of The Time With Out Spending A dime!

    See how catchy that is? then spice it up a little further " this unique strategy will... ___ fill in the blank.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ronak Shah
    I think what matters is whether the sales copy on your squeeze page is to-the-point & believable by your target audience.

    They must be able to skim through your copy in no time.

    It does not make much of a difference whether your squeeze page copy is short or long, what matters is whether it's interesting to the reader.

    Firstly, your squeeze page sounds desperate when you write "STOP! No Credit Card Needed! I Will Show You Everything For FREE!". I strictly feel only those who are really desperate will look through your page. It doesn't interest the layman. Now count the number of people who would be really desperate. Very few, not many.

    I'll tell you, your copy didn't draw me inside your page. Why?

    You must tell me what you're offering at a first glance.

    And why? What are the benefits?

    It must not take me minutes to look in for what you're offering to me as your potential customer.

    I'll be very straightforward. I certainly appreciate you.

    I think the whole copy is jumbled up. The headline didn't attract me in a matter of seconds.

    A squeeze page copy has to be really smart and exciting in attracting leads.

    I also feel, asking questions the way you've mentioned in the bullets really requires an improvement.

    I appreciate you've put so much effort for writing the squeeze page.

    However, your squeeze page copy must be "crisp". You must accurately draw attention to the main points of your page. You're writing too much whereas visitors don't have the time to read through everything you've to say.

    You're here to get leads and not make a sale. You're using so much persuasion that it seems like you're trying to sell them something. You're not making them feel interested, excited and eager to know what you're offering as a free course. It makes the whole copy sound desperate and make it look like it's some type of a scam.

    How are you building trust from your squeeze page? Building trust is essential with your customers. Overall you require a complete re-work on the copy. If you need any assistance, feel free to PM me. I'll do whatever I can.

    At the end of reading the squeeze page copy, a customer realizes the importance of putting in their name and email address within your squeeze page. That's exactly why most people put their name and email address within an opt-in box. However, I found your page has gone way off the mark.

    Your hard work is definitely appreciable though.
    Signature
    I AM YOUR Direct Response Ninja Kick-Ass Sales Copywriter.

    Now, Here's The REAL DEAL:
    Either I make YOU at least 10 times of what I charge YOU OR
    I'll Write YOUR Sales Copy AGAIN Till YOU Make MUCH MORE Than THAT. Guaranteed*.
    *Terms & Conditions Apply. Email me at ronak[at]ronakshah[dot]name right now.
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    • Profile picture of the author FreeAgent13
      The shorter and more to point the better.

      My issue is with the opt-in box. As a prospect, I wouldn't know what information you would need. Neither entry field states what type of information it requires. Also the submit button is very weak. Just having the word "subscribe" feels very sterile and boring. Punch it up. Use it as a call to action.

      I would also have less scrolling and punch up the P.S.

      Your headline could also use some work. I like where your going, it's just poorly written. Suggestion: "Discover how I fired my boss at age 22 and how I won't ever have to deal with another one, EVER AGAIN!"

      I hope I wasn't too rough.
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  • Profile picture of the author BenHarbour
    Thanks guys for your advice.

    I think it could defiantly do with a lot of improvement, I think the opted in form should be above the fold, maybe try adding a video and some stronger bullet points so it all fits above the fold.

    I agree maybe the call to action could be a bit stronger. The aim of the newsletter is to introduce people to internet marketing and free traffic generating methods before going later on into more complicated and paid methods.

    What kind of headline do you think I should go with that would appeal to this audience?

    Thank you for all your advice so far, constructive criticism appreciated.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
      Banned
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      • Profile picture of the author BenHarbour
        Originally Posted by Alexa Smith View Post

        You have spelled "you're" as "your" in the sub-head.

        (Personally, I would lose all the exclamation marks at the ends of the bullet-points, too.)
        Thanks spelling and grammar where never my strong points :rolleyes:
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  • Profile picture of the author BenHarbour
    Was thinking maybe to change the headline and sub head and bullets to something a bit more like this, and then add the opted in form above the fold anyone think this would be an improvident?

    Don't (WHATEVER YOU DO), quit your boring day job ... just yet. ...

    "When the big internet marketing gurus survey their lists they find that over 70% of their subscribers haven't taken any action and still are not making any money online. The biggest reason is that they got stuck with technical barriers like trying to setup their own website."

    Let me show you for free how you can get started:
    • Without the need to have your own website
    • How to promote your offers with free advertising
    • How to find 1000's of commission paying products
    • How to select products that will sell like hot cakes
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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
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      • Profile picture of the author BenHarbour
        Originally Posted by Alexa Smith View Post

        I'm not sure it rings true/plausible, to be honest ...
        Thanks for your quick response have made the corrections, which part do you think doesn't sound true or plausible?
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    Hi Ben.

    Good ideas but you really do need some editing and proofreading help. I agree with all the suggestions to get it down to one "above the fold" screen.

    My ideas here are to suggest concepts, not to provide final copy. If you like these ideas, they'll need to be put into your own words.

    "No money down" usually means that you'll have to pay later. If your offer is a free newsletter subscription, then you shouldn't use "no money down."

    The first word is "STOP!" OK, I'll stop reading your page!

    The main idea is "I want to share some free information with you that could change your life." You need to mention something about all that before you say "If you're reaching for your wallet, stop! You won't need your credit card today to learn how to make money."

    I would put "how you can..." and its checkmark list at the top. Then, "I used this exact system to fire my boss at age 22. Now it's your turn, no matter what your age, to get your share of Internet cash and never need a boss again!"

    Now you can say "In just five days, you'll learn how to do these four steps:" and then your flowchart.
    If you put the flowchart as two boxes in a line, then two more boxes in a line, you'd have room to move the opt-in area "above the fold."

    The dotted line around you makes it look like you're a coupon. If I print out that coupon and take it to the local pub can I get a free beer?

    Chris
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    • Profile picture of the author BenHarbour
      Thanks Chris some good information

      Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

      "No money down" usually means that you'll have to pay later. If your offer is a free newsletter subscription, then you shouldn't use "no money down."
      That is a very good point, I will need to change that, the reason I came up with it to was avoid the word free as i knew it would cause email filter problems, will need get something better.

      Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

      The first word is "STOP!" OK, I'll stop reading your page!
      Good point will probably ditch that part at the top all together

      Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

      The dotted line around you makes it look like you're a coupon. If I print out that coupon and take it to the local pub can I get a free beer?
      mabey it is print it off cut it out and take it to a bar and see what happens
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Worner
    Im no copywriter so take my response for what it is worth but I stopped reading after the first headline and sub headline. Nowhere near interesting.

    Also, WAY to much information at first glance which is a major turn off.

    As for why you are giving it free, Do you think I am a moron? especially after reading the first header section.


    Chris
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    • Profile picture of the author Ronak Shah
      Originally Posted by skyfox7 View Post

      Im no copywriter so take my response for what it is worth but I stopped reading after the first headline and sub headline. Nowhere near interesting.

      Also, WAY to much information at first glance which is a major turn off.

      As for why you are giving it free, Do you think I am a moron? especially after reading the first header section.


      Chris
      Exactly. Ben, you're distracting all visitors viewing your opt-in page. At the same time, making it unclear what you're offering & why.

      It's so much information that it's doesn't look nice at all. Most importantly, why are you writing so much information that makes it look like "beating-around-the-bush"? Apologies as I do not mean to be harsh. Make it constructive and to-the-point.

      Opt-in pages are usually not meant to be like a short story. A squeeze page is crisp and attracts the visitors to put their details in the box. Make it attractive.

      When visitors arrive on your opt-in page, they must be able to focus on the benefits of your squeeze page. They must be able to believe every word you've written else how much ever you write, it's meaningless.

      What are the benefits?

      What is your USP?

      What are you offering to your subscribers for FREE that no one else offers in the marketplace?

      I really think you'll be working very hard on this one for a long period of time. I suggest you take time to revise it after a while now. It will definitely make a difference as you will be mentally fresh after taking a day's break. Else, it's definitely going to be a merry-go-round. I am being realistic.
      Signature
      I AM YOUR Direct Response Ninja Kick-Ass Sales Copywriter.

      Now, Here's The REAL DEAL:
      Either I make YOU at least 10 times of what I charge YOU OR
      I'll Write YOUR Sales Copy AGAIN Till YOU Make MUCH MORE Than THAT. Guaranteed*.
      *Terms & Conditions Apply. Email me at ronak[at]ronakshah[dot]name right now.
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      • Profile picture of the author BenHarbour
        Originally Posted by ronakshah View Post

        Exactly. Ben, you're distracting all visitors viewing your opt-in page. At the same time, making it unclear what you're offering & why.

        It's so much information that it's doesn't look nice at all. Most importantly, why are you writing so much information that makes it look like "beating-around-the-bush"? Apologies as I do not mean to be harsh. Make it constructive and to-the-point.

        Opt-in pages are usually not meant to be like a short story. A squeeze page is crisp and attracts the visitors to put their details in the box. Make it attractive.

        When visitors arrive on your opt-in page, they must be able to focus on the benefits of your squeeze page. They must be able to believe every word you've written else how much ever you write, it's meaningless.

        What are the benefits?

        What is your USP?

        What are you offering to your subscribers for FREE that no one else offers in the marketplace?

        I really think you'll be working very hard on this one for a long period of time. I suggest you take time to revise it after a while now. It will definitely make a difference as you will be mentally fresh after taking a day's break. Else, it's definitely going to be a merry-go-round. I am being realistic.
        Yeah I will change the whole thing I think and try a different angle, I think the problem was that I did not spend enough time on the squeeze page, I spent about a week writing the training course for the subscribers but under an hour on the squeeze page as I wanted to get it setup quickly. I have some ideas I think ill re-write it from scratch.
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  • Profile picture of the author GetMoreTraffic
    Short or long copy? As always, there's only one answer. Test both, and see which performs best.
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    Discover the fast way to accelerate your affiliate income
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  • Profile picture of the author AndrewStark
    The whole thing is very complicated, and I personally think your lead magnet is poor.

    The bullets suggest that I can start my own work from home business, which contradict the fact that you will give me everything for free. Anyone who thinks they can start a proper business online for free are doomed to success - how are you going to pay for hosting and the autoresponder?

    BTW the free services are free for a reason.

    I would suggest you think about the type of people you want on your list and then think about what they want? At the moment you're after people with no credit card, so good luck monetizing that list!
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