Need Some Help With Conversions

by kemdev
17 replies
Hey Warriors,

I have a good offer, good sales copy, and a decent sales
funnel... but lately, my conversions have been sucking. I
was hoping a few wise Warriors around these parts might
be able to give me an indication as to why...

Here's a look at the sales page:
~ Making Your First $1,000 Online ~

(I didn't write the copy myself - had a pretty well
established writer do the job for me a while back.)


Lately, my page hasn't even been converting at 1%. In
fact, from the last two days' promotions, out of 371
visitors, not even ONE sale was made. The traffic wasn't
junk, either - all traffic came from a follow-up series after
visitors signed up at a squeeze page giving away one of
the methods I talk about on the sales page.

Do any of you fine Warriors see any major indication as
to why conversions would be so terrible? Is there any
single thing that just pops out at you?

Any help would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
#conversions
  • Profile picture of the author David Merriman
    How generic your USP comes across -- even your title is boring -- is one major roadblock to higher conversions.

    Try to be more unique and interesting.

    Arrest more attention with your headlines, and you're 90 percent of the way there.

    Here's an example I drafted up for you: feel free to use it if you'd like.

    If You Can Shovel Popcorn Into Your Mouth While You Watch A Movie, You Can Rake In Over $200 a Day Online!

    I'll Give You 8 Unique 'Out of the Box' Money Making Systems So Hot, You'll Need Oven Mitts In Order To Handle Them!


    Your graphics are good. The copy is okay, although I would take out the first sentence.

    "Making money isn't easy."

    That's NOT the place you want that line ... you want it later. Make the promise as BIG as possible at the beginning, don't bring them down to earth just yet. After the bullets, when the logical, reasonable part of their brain kicks in and tells them this might be a scam, that's when you tell them that there is no magic bullet, money doesn't grow on trees, etc.

    You want a first sentence that makes a big promise, that gets people excited.

    Send me a PM if you'd like to talk more about what changes I would suggest for your copy -- I guarantee it would increase conversion. Plus I'll do it free, since I'm a nice guy. :-)

    - Dave
    Signature

    Be unique.

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Turn your head around for starters. Nobody cares about "you". They want to know what's in it for them. So this - "Here Are Eight 'Out of the Box' Methods That I Personally Use to Make Over $200 Per Day Online" might become

    "Here's a Bunch of 'Out Of The Box'
    Methods You Can Use To Make Over $200 Per Day Online - No Kidding"
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  • David's headline will help you a great deal. It's specific and benefit-oriented.

    However, you're page suffers from "me-too syndrome". You are selling the same "popcorn" that everyone is selling. Same brand, same box, same cheap salt.

    Now - If you just got a bit peeved with me and are screaming at the screen - "NO WAY I'M Different!" Then immediately start writing down a list of why I am wrong and put that into a headline. The IM market isn't persuaded by claims anymore. They ARE excited by new Methods. Just look to the current CPA feeding frenzy.

    Go back and take a close look at your big idea and get pack it into the first 300 pixels of your page.

    Stan
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    • Profile picture of the author biz2bee
      I agree with the others above, the opening doesn't grab me and it's anonymous. In combination with a minimalist web design turns you off. You mention a squeeze page, did that convert well? in case maybe you should look at what you did there. Btw I liked Davids head line, it kind of hits you in the face.
      Signature

      biz2bee

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  • Profile picture of the author lenlatimer
    I think a video (or at lest audio) could help you up your conversions.
    Signature

    Len Latimer
    Copy-In-A-Box, an amazing Word Add-in Tool that adds Dazzle & Personality to your copy. My WSO

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    • Profile picture of the author jimmymc
      While I'm not a copywriter...In my opinion the letter is way-way to negative. Not wishing to stoop on anyone's toes... but, I think you need a re-write.
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  • Profile picture of the author beevok
    Good job on your website! Well done.
    May I kindly suggest choosing a slightly different format as these formats (at least me, maybe I'm weird) make me think of scams. It's just a bit hard to differentiate between the good and the bad.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    I could only glance at it briefly, but from what it looks like, your page isn't poorly written... at least from a technical standpoint.

    It does (to me, at least) lack a "hook"... or anything that really grabs the reader.

    I think your headline and opening is particularly weak... but the rest reads okay, if not spectacularly.

    Have you gotten on the copywriter who did this for you and asked him about it? Most copywriters will try and figure out why their sales letter is not doing well... it's good business sense, after all.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
      Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

      Posting up a request for a critique which has
      been supplied by a very well established and
      highly respected Warrior copywriter isn't
      exactly very good form.

      I posted up my critique, only to receive a rather
      blunt message from the copywriter concerned,
      giving me his exact thoughts on the critique
      supplied.

      Notwithstanding my views that the critique was
      valid, to save him any upset I have deleted my
      previous reply.

      Please show some consideration to your copywriter
      rather than wasting our time and showing this kind
      of disrespect to everyone here.

      And a 3% conversion overall isn't bad at all, what
      on earth are you complaining at?

      Regards.

      Mark Andrews
      Being that he didn't name or shame the writer who made this sales page for him, I don't see any problem with him coming in here asking his fellow copywriting warriors for ways he can improve his conversion.

      Maybe he doesn't want to pay his writer any more money for revisions or split testing.

      OR he doesn't personally know the best approach to make his sales page convert better.

      or BOTH.

      Whatever his reasons for wanting his letter to convert better, I am sure hnis writer has a thick skin and can handle the fact that one of his clients is proactively seeking to improve his work.

      Now, with that said. Jesse...

      Keep in mind that 371 visitors isn't really all that much to accurately gauge conversions. It could just be a bad batch of traffic. It happens.

      Wait til you get at least 1000 visitors (preferably more) before you come to any conclusions that your conversions are dropping.

      I do agree with everyone that made comments about the headline. It is definitely lacking in its ability to make me want to read the rest of the letter.

      I will make a video to see if there is anything else I personally think you can do to increase your conversions.

      - Jason
      Signature

      "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

      Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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  • Profile picture of the author Olivier Vasquez
    # If you could push your picture up
    a little bit it would give your sales letter
    more scrollability...

    If you put your picture mid page, I'm going
    to want to scroll down to see what your offer
    is, or at least what your first paragraph is...

    Try testing your copy with your signature
    next to your picture (above the fold...► Before You scroll)
    And make the signature look like it was
    written by a human- that makes it less generic.

    (You should see better results from that alone...)

    Your opening: "Dear Internet Marketer"
    Making money isn't Easy- Is not what I want
    to Hear- Tell me how you're going to make this
    process EASY for me...

    # The Headline needs work, there's no
    hook... $200 a day seems generic, give
    a more precise number $234 or the real
    number you made the last time you sold
    something... (Or the average of your sales...)

    # It seems like your big thing is that
    you're not like the Gurus; and
    that they mislead people?

    If you're going to make such a claim, you
    have to have something magical that shows
    me **the buyer**- what makes you so
    different and Powerful:

    But unfortunately you do: Your USP promises HARD WORK
    that this is going to take a long time... That it took you a
    lot of trial and error to figure this Hard Process...

    I don't Have time to waste with trial and error- I want
    you to be Perfect as a Result of Your Trial and Error
    so you can teach me to avoid your past road blocks...

    ...But it's almost like you want people to be happy
    for you that you figured it out... You finally saw the
    light and I should be happy for YOU...

    WRONG- Your Product Should Make Me Happy For ME

    Famous Copywritier's radio station WIIFM (Corny Joke.)

    -What's In It For ME?
    Make it Stupid Easy :-) and tell them
    What's In It For Them...

    It's a bad idea to put "Location: Anywhere
    I want"
    "Location: In My Dream Mansion", would be
    better... But all in all- That would have
    no effect on me as a buyer either...

    # I want to feel like ur product is going to transform
    me- Make my Life more exciting!

    Your first bullet change "Understand" with "Decipher
    the right mindset to have..." (something along those lines)-

    I'll show you the Dos and
    DONTs etc...

    Make it exciting...

    Second Bullet: Instead of your first sale is the
    toughest... Tell me Once you get Your first Sale,
    You will finally get the momentum you need to get
    going...

    (Everything is framed negatively, I don't even want
    to read your copy all the way to the bottom- In
    fact I didn't... Sorry ADD-)

    Yo to tell you the truth, if anybody is being hard
    on you, NEVER take it seriously, it'll net you MORE
    MONEY IN YOUR POCKETS- And you get to take credit
    for your Sales Copy: IT'S YOURS!!! :0)

    I hope everybody else Helps you out Maaan.. good luck
    it's really late and I have to get to work myself..
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  • Whoops,
    Getting a public critique on Warrior Copywriter work does feel a bit "weird" to me. If I were the copywriter, I would have appreciated the chance to work with you before throwing my work in the public domain. Any good copywriter would have sat down and diagnosed what was happening with the conversions.

    My 2 cents...

    Stan
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    • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
      Originally Posted by Moolah_Copywriting View Post

      Whoops,
      Getting a public critique on Warrior Copywriter work does feel a bit "weird" to me. If I were the copywriter, I would have appreciated the chance to work with you before throwing my work in the public domain. Any good copywriter would have sat down and diagnosed what was happening with the conversions.

      My 2 cents...

      Stan
      Well, here's a question I don't think any of us have the answer to.

      Did he contact the writer and ask him to split test the letter?

      Maybe he ran out of money in his copy budget to ask, which is why he's coming here.

      I don't see any reason why his writer would or should feel disrespected in any way, shape or form. Unless of course he just wrote the copy for him and didn't get the opportunity to fine tune his work.

      If this is not the case, any writer who has issues with his work indirectly being critiqued in a copywriting forum is insecure and not completely confident in his own abilities.

      It's just one client anyway. Let the dude come in here asking for help. Who cares?

      "On to the next one"

      - Jason
      Signature

      "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

      Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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        • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
          Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

          Jason, you don't know the situation.

          I'm not about to get into war on words
          with you of all people.

          You know not of what you speak.
          Oh Mark,

          You of all people should know that merely saying you're not about to get into a war of words is in fact an invitation for a war of words.

          And no, I don't know the full situation, but from my point of view, a fellow warrior reading and trying to be helpful, it seemed to me like he was asking for us to help him increase his response.

          I saw no harm in it. You jumped down his throat. (not the first time i've seen you do that and probably won't be the last)

          You must be a really amazing copywriter because from what I've seen from you in the majority of your posts, your attitude sucks.

          I may not be speaking for anyone else, nor do i care what anyone else in here will think of me for saying this, but I personally don't appreciate the tone you use with many of your peers here and sometimes your words and actions imply you are better than everyone else in this forum.

          Everyone's sh*t stinks. Even yours.

          All the best
          Jason
          Signature

          "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

          Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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            • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
              Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

              A fine and dandy response coming from Jason as usual.

              Should I have expected anything different?

              Probably not. :rolleyes:
              Your perspective isn't the only one.

              Mine is an alternative to yours.

              Carry on now Good Soldier
              Signature

              "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

              Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    Hey Warriors,

    My entire intent with this thread wasn't necessarily to get a critique.
    I know the copy is good - it has converted well for me in the past.
    My copywriter is a spectacular writer and I couldn't have asked him
    to do a better job.

    My intent was to simply ask if there was any major reason - whether
    graphically or copy-wise - why my page would simply drop it's
    conversions. And I think I found the answer.

    I simply got a little antsy from a few visitors not converting and
    ignorantly decided there must be some gross mistake. When you're
    first entering a new market, visitors act very differently and you
    can't expect, in some cases, for consistent traffic in a very
    inconsistent niche. That, and the fact that I simply haven't driven
    enough traffic.

    My naivety led me here, where some thought my thread was saying,
    "My copywriter sucks. Give me free advice."

    While I do appreciate everyone taking time out of their day to
    respond, I hope you realize that was not at all the case.

    Short Version: My copywriter kicks ass, I'm stupid, and let's all
    have a merry Christmas. :-)

    All the best,
    Jesse Kemmerer
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  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    It would be cool to just have this thread deleted... before the fire
    spreads.

    Although I do feel I need to point out, Mark, that some of your facts
    TOO are a little murky. But I'm not going to get into it. For the simple
    fact that it doesn't much matter.

    The deal is... my copywriter disagreed with advice you were giving
    and asked you to not give me, a lowly man of absolutely zero
    competence in the art form of copywriting, such advice. In reality,
    everything should've ended there.

    But this seems to have dragged on way, way too long. Maybe you
    guys like conflict?

    In any case... this argument should've ended long ago, and for yet
    another person to get involved (although I completely agree with
    him) is ludicrous. So let's stop. Stop posting in this thread, stop
    bumping it back to the top, and for the love of God... just stop the
    bickering. Carry it on through PMs, instead.
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  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    ... And I repeatedly thanked you for your attempted help, as
    well as apologized for any slight my copywriter may have
    caused you.

    And if I remember correctly, you accepted that apology. Which,
    again, I appreciate.

    So why not just end the damn thing there?
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