12 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
12 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Can I get a review on my sales page please

by Chris Busa
10 replies
hey warriors,

I have just launched a product in the mlm niche, its its not a mlm product but teaches anyone how to generated leads for there business. I used to be involved in some mlm stuff and know that most of the programs do not know jack about marketing nor do most of the marketers.

So that is why I made this product targeted to this niche here is my sale page Mass MLM Traffic -Massive traffic And MLM Leads please let me know what you guys think and if you have any suggestions

thanks in advance
-Chris
#page #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author David Babineau
    Hi Chris,

    Here are a few specifics...

    1. Headline, 3rd line, A --> An

    2. Blame Yourself For Your Misfortune! --> Just reading the bolded message might send the wrong message to the prospect. I think you want to tell them it's not their fault (all in bold) -- e.g. It's Not Your Fault!

    3. Flood of traffic - do you have specifics you could use instead?

    4. I think the name of your product is confusing... Are you targeting MLMers or IMers (or more specifically, IM MLMers)? Your pre-head is "Attention fellow marketer" --> you need to specify this (the introduction doesn't clarify this either...)

    5. Maybe it's just me but... Your Bonus #2 is confusing to me. Almost looks like the start of another long-form salesletter. I would aim for a consistent format for all your bonuses.

    6. Unless I missed it - why is there no guarantee until the PSes?

    Cheers,
    Dave
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1637075].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi Chris,

      Really good effort.

      I have four primary comments:

      1. Your exaggerated claims and promises coupled with your OBVIOUS lack of proof sticks out like a sore thumb. There's no credibility building.

      2. Your copy reads like everybody else's. There's no personality. It's potentially compelling to the right prospect, but not memorable. People have seen all this before. It's all one big blur to them.

      3. In your market, while obviously money as a benefit is important, people marketing in your niche focus on what the money will get them. But please be careful with the outrageous, over the top pictures, claims, etc. Respect your reader's intelligence, and people will appreciate you.

      4. A video would serve you well.

      Best of success,

      - Rick Duris
      Signature
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1637205].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author adamjthompson
        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        Hi Chris,

        Really good effort.

        I have four primary comments:

        1. Your exaggerated claims and promises coupled with your OBVIOUS lack of proof sticks out like a sore thumb. There's no credibility building.

        2. Your copy reads like everybody else's. There's no personality. It's potentially compelling to the right prospect, but not memorable. People have seen all this before. It's all one big blur to them.
        I agree with Rick. I think your copy could be improved by:

        1) Be more specific - avoid generalities like "Is your website productive" and "flood of traffic". Try to imagine that you are talking to a specific network marketer, and you need to prove to him step-by-step that you have a system that he can use to achieve success.

        2) Show/Prove real life results. There are hundreds of websites out there that promise to send a flood of traffic to your site.

        3) If I were you, I would test a two-step conversion process (capture email, then present full sales copy).

        Hope this helps.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1637893].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Olivier Vasquez
    You should Centre your text: align text
    in the middle Center

    1st there are a lot of grammatical errors-

    On the first line after fellow marketer-
    put a comma...

    The sub headline has to be revised:

    The best thing is there are no setup costs and
    the whole thing uses Free traffic and Google tools
    to bring you targeted leads and traffic for years to come...

    It's not precise enough►

    "The best thing is" "The whole thing is"
    when you say the whole
    thing, do you mean the whole system?

    When you give really specific examples like: your
    friends are making money and you're not...

    It's not necessarily the same story for everybody...
    You twisted something that might happen to one
    person as a commonality for every one...

    Your first 3 bullets, seem to have no orientation?
    You want your bullets to be Answering questions rather
    than asking them...

    Like: Benefits► or Rebuttals to possible frustrations
    and worries people may have...

    But your initial bullets don't really say anything:

    ►"Is your website productive?" That doesn't mean
    anything to someone who is starting MLM...

    ►Productive how? in making money, in saving time,
    in providing valuable content?

    ►"Are you making a ton of money from your website?"
    What does a ton mean? Give a very specific amount
    if you wanna show what a good amount is> say an
    amount that you used to make...

    ►Be as precise as you can be, give precise figures
    from the figures you used to make something like:
    $2,353 a month- Odd numbers convert more...

    But remain truthful with the figures... People
    don't know what level of success to hope for...

    ►"Have you found other people in your industry
    doing well but not you?"

    This is all wrong syntactically> I mean if you
    were posting to the forum I wouldn't be a Dick
    about it, like so many warriors are....

    But you want your sales letter to be professional
    even if you wanna be as personable as possible...

    You wasted your money paying to have your web pages optimized, only to see your ranking has not improved.

    So you need not...

    Blame Yourself For Your Misfortune!
    This is very wrong as well► what you wanna
    keep in mind is people don't read sales letters
    like magazines or books...

    They scroll pass stuff, so essentially, with that
    part being the only part that's bolded... Your
    prospect is going to think that you are telling
    them to blame themselves for their lack of success...

    You want to absolve them of any wrong doing, because
    whatever service or product you are offering is going to
    fix their problems, or transform their lives somehow...
    But it's never their faults!

    I know that's not what you're implying, but I wasn't
    reading your whole copy and I stopped at the bold:
    Blame Yourself For Your Misfortune!
    I didn't finish reading the whole sales letter... I think
    you should hire somebody to write your sales letter...

    Your Layout is very nice and well put together, the bullets
    altering from red to green balls....

    Your Headline colors are good... The product graphics
    and pictures are good...

    Your white background color is very clean, but TEST grey
    background and blue too (those colors convert very well...)
    Not your text background color but the background behind
    the central table...

    I can tell you're good at what you do, but it
    appears Copy is not your strong point...

    Don't worry about it bro, hire somebody!

    Hope I was able to help...

    Good luck on your LAUNCH!!!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1638227].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Chris Busa
      Hey guys,

      Thanks for the info I will start applying these suggestions you guys have mentioned. This is my first product and the sales letter was from a PLR product that I purchased and customized just the a little of the sales letter for the mlmers.

      I am by no means a copy writer but is something that I think I need to start working on, so I appreciate every thing that you guys have suggested and will start implementing this stuff.
      Signature

      Discover The Easiest Way to Generate Passive Income Month after Month Fast!...Click Here To Get The Free Training Now!

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1650766].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Sam Mlambo
    Hey Chris,

    I just took a quick look over your sales page. Don't have time to do an in-depth review but here are a couple things I suggest:

    - In the beginning part of your letter try highlighting more internal messages (bold, italics, underline, all caps, all title caps, yellow highlight). This will help scanners see the emotional part of that copy.

    - There is a part where you say "Do you know what is even worse than what my friend was doing? It is that most of you people are in the same boat."

    Write as if you're writing to one person. And that person happens to be the perfect prospect for your product. So scratch "most of you people" and change to "its that most people..". Even better thing to do is be more specific. What mistakes do most people make?

    - Scratch "Why did I keep failing?" before your headline "that is when I discovered". Even better would be to have some running copy before the headline with more negative emotions of how you felt when you were failing.

    - Change "    So could you imagine that if you applied this method to your website you could also get a huge amount of traffic pumping to your website within 15 minutes?"

    to "Imagine applying this method and getting a huge amount of traffic pumping to your website within 15 minutes!"

    Those are some of things I thought you could improve. I'll take another look when I have more time.

    Best Wishes

    - Sam
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1651739].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Moolah_Copywriting
    Rick, hit the main problem with this salesletter on the head...

    It's ordinary.

    Nothing about it makes a person stop and read. Ironically, there are some interesting concepts buried in this salesletter that could be used as brilliant headline material.

    For example - "Mass MLM Traffic Pump"
    or... No Setup Costs and the Whole System Uses Free Google Tools

    Really, this is interesting because not a lot of folks are familiar with all of the tools that Google provides and how they can be used for traffic generation.

    And, the MLM market has largely been abandoned to charlatans and crooks online so, promising an honest-to-goodness traffic generation system for MLMers is attractive.

    You really need to find the differentiating gem and really push this in your promise
    upfront.

    Stan
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1653825].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Dana Forsythe
      The two biggest things I notice are..

      1. There's way too much text and not enough graphics. People will see all those words and leave the page.

      2. You need proof of your claims.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1653837].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Jennie Heckel
    Dear Chris,

    THIS COPY AND THE GRAPHICS ARE VERY CLOSE TO GOOGLE TRAFFIC PUMP.

    I noticed this right away... this is a rework of the Google Traffic Pump PLR?

    I agree with all the above.

    Suggestion:

    1. I would reformat the pre-head, headline and lead in this way.

    Attention: If YOU are struggling to get decent traffic and profitable leads to your MLM Business you're in the right place...

    "MLM Insider Reveals A Brutally Effective System...
    You Can Use To Drive An Un-stoppable Flood Of
    Laser Targeted Leads And Traffic In 15 Mins..."

    The best thing is... there are No Setup Costs and the whole system uses FREE TRAFFIC and FREE Google TOOLS!

    Changing this headline to this makes people stop in their tracks and say WOW...

    Uses the word "YOU" which is extremely effective in getting people to read the headline. No one loves anything better than when you add "YOU" to a headline. It makes people start to take ownership of the product in the very beginning.

    See we have 3 you's in this copy... You, You're, YOU

    It works.

    Good luck with your project.

    Jennie Heckel
    Sales Copy Secret
    Signature
    ******* WSO & JV ZOO COPYWRITER -- VLS & SALES LETTERS PROVEN TO CONVERT ******* Get Higher Profits From Launches That SELL! Proven Copywriter with 17 Years of Copywriting Experience. Contact Me Via Skype: seoexpertconsulting Copywriting Website: http://www.VideoScriptCopywriter.com

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1672062].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author euhlir
    Something I thought was interesting was your choice of picture. I think it's always good to "make eye contact with the visitor". Your eyes are looking away which could put kind of a shady picture into some people's minds.

    Try using another picture with you looking into the camera and not away.
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1679395].message }}

Trending Topics