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Please provide feedback on my sales draft

by jeffczyz
10 replies
I've gotten some great reviews of the content of my product and I'm trying to fine tune my sales copy. I'll be using a video message to handle much of the sales, but I also plan on split testing heavy copy no video with video and copy.

Please provide some feedback on the draft of my sales letter. Include content, design, offer etc. I will be adding some great bonuses, but I'm on the fence whether offering the bonus on the sales page cheapens the product or really offers more value.

Here's a link to the sales copy: http://www.topsellercoaching.com/salesdraft.html


Thanks,

Jeff
#draft #feedback #provide #sales
  • Profile picture of the author ndcole78
    Change the word "learn" in your headline to something like Discover. The word learn sounds like work and people don't like to do anything that sounds like a lot of work is involved.

    I didn't read anything else, but I would change that word at least.
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    • Profile picture of the author jeffczyz
      Done. Good point. Thanks.
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      • Profile picture of the author zapseo
        Takes too long to get to the benefit being offered (at the end of the headline.) Spend more time in your headline on benefits rather than features.

        Changing "learn" to "discover" is a good start, but the headline still sounds like too much work.

        You might try a "Give me Q amount of time and I'll show you how to X, Y and Z" (and maybe even add on what x,y and z might give them.)
        Signature
        Speed Read Copy -- 97% Off Value -- RAVE Reviews!
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  • Profile picture of the author jeffczyz
    How about:

    "Discover How to Increase Your eBay Sales AND Drive Tons of Customers to Your eBay Store and Listings Immediately"
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    • Profile picture of the author balara
      I must admit to wondering what some of the critiques were on about, until the penny dropped that you have already implemented the suggestions given.

      I love your page! The colours are great. Normally I hate the colour red on a site, but I should qualify that and say I hate fire engine red. The colour you have chosen stirs interest but doesn't scream "buy me this minute!!!"

      The copy is excellent.

      Now for a little chiding.

      There are many tactics commonly used on sales pages that turn me off, and you have used one of them. This has to do with the price. If you believe that your product is worth $197 then sell it at that price. If you believe it should be priced at $77 then put just that price, and not pretend that you have reduced it by $120, unless you have been previously selling at $197.

      There are some young "gurus" out there who treat potential customers like "eejits" and they have come up with a heap of deceptive tactics which anyone with a brain can see through. Don't copy them...be true to yourself. Integrity should never be compromised.

      Good luck with your product, I hope you do very well.

      balara
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  • Profile picture of the author jeffczyz
    Hey everyone.. thanks for the comments and suggestions...

    I went back through and made the recommendations and decided to take a different approach.

    Comments on both please. I'm still reworking formatting on draft 2.

    draft 1: http://www.topsellercoaching.com/salesdraft.html
    draft 2: http://www.topsellercoaching.com/salesdraft-2.html

    They'll only be up for a few days.. so please, have it.
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    • Profile picture of the author zapseo
      Jeff -- that headline could work. I'm not as familiar with your target market -- so "market maturity" (ala Gene Schwartz) definitely enters into the equation. IOW -- how many of your competitors are using headlines that sound similarly ?

      (BTW - I'm referencing the headline you put in a post above -- haven't looked at your changes yet.)

      However, I like the qualifiers --
      When a visitor comes to a webpage they are unconsciously asking "Hey, are you talkin' to ME?" By qualifying your prospect, you save both real prospects and non-prospects time --because they aren't spending minutes trying to figure out whether "you talkin' to ME?" or not.

      Since you remove that obstacle -- your real prospects can more rapidly shift from trying to figure out whether it's for them, they can rapidly shift to say "Yah, that's me --whatcha got for me?" A much better place to sell someone at, because you've at least established some connection with them.

      Live JoyFully!

      Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
      NextDay Copy
      Signature
      Speed Read Copy -- 97% Off Value -- RAVE Reviews!
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      • Profile picture of the author maurice
        Jeff,

        I say ship it.

        Let it go...Give it a test run. You can always do split tests to get
        your copy better.

        Don't get caught up into perfection. Perfect sales letter don't exist.

        I think you have a good looking sales letter that reads well and will
        make sales.

        Maurice
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  • Profile picture of the author jeffczyz
    alright.. looks like copy 1 is the way to go for now. Thanks for the input
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Hi Jeff,

    That's a good looking page, I like the style very much.

    Regarding the copy, it's pretty good but there's definitely stuff you can alter.

    I think it's probably a good idea to let go of it and see if it's ready to fly though. Once you are getting traffic you can use tracking programs to start tweaking it and pushing your conversions up with the alterations you make.

    I'd start with the headline, and then work from there. You'll be surprised at the difference.

    David
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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