Nice copy, pity about the headline...

by DavidO

Posted: 16 years ago 12 replies

COPY WRITING

Through a combination of stubbornly honing my copy and good web design I've finally got a sales page that's performing well:

Lower blood pressure naturally

Of course it can still be a lot better but I've got a decent conversion rate now and it's time to focus on increasing traffic.

There's just one sore point... my headline! I've tried dozens and dozens of headlines and, according to Statcounter, a full 75 to 85% of visitors leave within 5 seconds. The current headline is running at a 80 to 83% departure rate. It doesn't matter what I do, the rate always remains in the same range.

If you figure only 15 to 25% of my visitors even read more than the opener, I've got a pretty phenomenal conversion rate!

Some people have advised me, "Never mind about this statistic, it's only the number of sales that count". This makes sense up to a point but if I can hook more people at the start I should convert a lot more. Currently I don't even get a chance with most of them.

So what's the problem? Even I stay on most webpages more than 5 seconds unless it looks like total junk. Anybody got any ideas or suggestions?

#copy #headline #nice #pity

balara 16 years ago

Hi David,
"Simple and Relaxing" in the headline doesn't work for me. "Lower Your Blood Pressure In 15 Minutes A Day" would certainly keep me on the page.

You say the site is converting well, therefore people must be staying on the page long enough to read, like and purchase.

Here are a few other headlines that may be helpful, but they are probably no better than the one you have (if you take out simple and relaxing).

How To Lower Blood Pressure ...In Less Than 15 Minutes

To People Who Want To Have Lower Blood Pressure -- But Don't know how!

Great New Discovery Helps You Lower Your Blood Pressure In Less Than 15 Minutes

What Everybody Should Know About How To Lower Their Blood Pressure

Proven Advice To Lower Your Blood Pressure -- By An Expert

How I Lowered My Blood Pressure In Less Than 15 Minutes

What Everybody Ought To Know About How To Have Lower Blood Pressure

How To Lower Blood Pressure In Only 15 Minutes Starting From Scratch

Serious About Wanting To Lower Your Blood Pressure? Here's How! Guaranteed... Or Your Money Back!

Yes YOU Too Can Learn How To Lower Blood Pressure With Ease!

Cheers
Balara
- Thanks
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John_S 16 years ago

So what's the problem?

What's driving your traffic to the page? It really depends, but it sounds as though there's a mismatch between what's expected (the impression from, say, adsense ads) and what they find on the destination page.

If you promise a report, and then the destination page delivers a gotcha, "Here's a sales page ...Gotcha ...You have to buy the report" the mismatch between what the user was expecting on the destination page and what was delivered would account for high abandonment.

Many people don't really understand the psychology of what people want. They're too focussed on what they want to sell.

If you've tested a lot of headlines, the alternative to yet another headline is look to the match between what's driving traffic and what is being delivered on the destination page.

Some thoughtful study on buyer motivation can make the difference between acceptable response and fantastic out-of-the-ballpark response.
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- DavidO 16 years ago
  
  Thanks for the suggestions Balara! I think I'll try my current one without "simple and relaxing". I never would have thought of that because I thought these words were motivators.
  
  John, you have a very valid point but most of my traffic comes from articles and organic searches which are very targetted. So I don't think that's the problem.
  
  I even wonder if Statcounter is accurate about this. I'm going to try Google Analytics and see what it can tell me.
  
  Thanks
  
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Rayleigh 16 years ago

I dunno about anyone else, but i just don't like the idea of your headline being inside of that banner and the headline itself..doesn't really do anything for me.
Go for what works. i.e.

''Headline in the Center of the Page''

"Lower Blood Pressure
Naturally In 15 Simple And
Relaxing Minutes A Day...

Too something like ''How To Lower Your Blood Pressure in 15 mins Or Less...etc"
"How To Naturally Lower Your Blood Pressure In 15 Mins or Less"

Read over your sales copy/product over and over.....and write out lots of headlines until you find one that you think will work..and perhaps post it here and see what others think.
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David Raybould 16 years ago

Hi David,

I tried to check out your site to give some headline feedback but it doesn't seem to be loading for me...

I guess maybe you took it down to try some other headlines lol.

regards

David
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Kevin Rogers 16 years ago

Hi David,

Skimming around the letter I see some examples of sentences wanting to say everything at once. It starts with the headline...

"Lower Blood Pressure
Naturally In 15 Simple And
Relaxing Minutes A Day...
Try It Right Here Online - FREE!"

Someone else pointed out that the words, "simple and relaxing" are cluttering and clouding the message and it's true. It's a much better reading headline without those terms. But more importantly, I think they miss the mark with your target. Do you have research that shows people with high blood pressure want to "relax"?

If so, I would question it. I don't have research at hand to show the contrary, but it's a safe bet that a majority of your prospects are looking to live the way they always have and keep their blood pressure in check regardless. That's why most people just opt for the "magic pill" my doctor says allows them to do just that.

Would they like a natural alternative? Sure. Are they willing to stop their day and "relax" to get it down? No.

The idea is to have a solution that fixes the problem with little to no work on the prospect's part. So, your headline, in over-promising a perfect scenario for your prospect, has likely turned them off instead.

Keep it simple. And know with certainty exactly what your target wants to see when they arrive at your page. When you have that certainty, reapproach your whole campaign (as John suggested) with that message in mind... and make it consistent throughout.

It could be that the more compelling message is hidden within your story where you say...

"I suddenly developed high blood pressure out of the blue in my mid-40's. Of course, my doctor wanted to put me on medications immediately but...

I was determined to find a better way - a way without pharmaceuticals or side effects. A natural way."

A story headline from that section might read like this...

"When High Blood Pressure Struck From Nowhere, My Doctor Blindly Prescribed A Lifetime Of Expensive And Dangerous Drugs... Discover The Amazing Free Secret That Lowered My Blood Pressure - Quickly, Easily, And Permananetly - When Everything Else Had Failed..."
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Adam Kenzington 16 years ago

Hey Dave,

Ditch the "Simple and Relaxing". I want to lower my blood pressure, not take a sleeping pill.

How about this Headline & Sub-Headline combo:

15 Minutes to Lower Blood Pressure.
Time Me!

All Natural Proven Way to Lower Your Blood Pressure In 15 Minutes.
Try It Right Now Online For FREE!

I think your attention grabber is the speed in which you accomplish this feat. That's news. That will compel your prospect to continue reading to find out more.

Also, your bullet points aren't compelling. Dress them up a little with some excitement & mystique.

1. A way to... (This one is so easy that...)

2 A simple trick for... That your doctor never told you...

3. Should you...? (The Answer Will Suprise You!)

4. The Huge Mistake Most People Make When... (Here's How to Do It Right...)

5. The Danger of... Instead, here's the way to...

You get the idea. Make them question in their minds "I wonder what that secret is?" It will increase your conversion rate, even more.

Hope this helps,

Adam
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ecoverartist 16 years ago

Here's a Proven, Medically-Endorsed Way to
Lower Your Blood Pressure Naturally
- in Just 15 Minutes!
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AnarchyAds Banned 16 years ago

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- zapseo 16 years ago
  
  Updated -- I just now saw the post where David said he was going to cross-check his statcounter with GA. Good move, David. But like I say, I'm fairly certain the high bounce rate is due to a configuration issue with statcounter.
  
  Back to our previous post:
  
  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
  
  I think y'all are barking up the wrong tree.
  
  David, if you don't configure statcounter correctly, it will show the majority of your visitors "bouncing" -- when, in fact, they aren't.
  
  Now...I'd tell if I could remember exactly what the mistake is, and what you have to do to fix it. But I don't remember.
  
  But I DOOOOO remember that this can be done by the way statcounter is configured (in fact, the "easiest" way to configure it, I believe.)
  
  How do I know?
  
  Experience can be a harsh teacher.
  
  And I refused to believe that the huge percent I saw were bouncing off the salespage. It didn't make "sense".
  
  And then I discovered the answer.
  
  Check around statcounter -- I think you'll find an answer.
  
  Glad to hear you're having success with your sales page.
  
  You've got a great product!
  
  Live JoyFully!
  
  Judy
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  zapseo 16 years ago
  
  Incidentally, for people who want an education -- go check out David's previous letters (use www.archive.org).
  
  What is THE predominant thing he has changed?
  
  It's an excellent lesson in copywriting.
  
  And it has nothing to do with the words.
  
  Thanks
  
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  Gary Hicks 16 years ago
  
  Hi David
  
  I think you are in quite an enviable position in that you are doing well with a dodgy headline! The headline is, I believe, a bit of a mouthful and could be improved. I've seen a few good ideas posted here already.
  
  What about: "Lower Your Blood Pressure -
  Fast, Natural and Proven!"
  
  As long as you keep it snappy, get your main benefits in, lose the tricky grammar and long technical words you should do even better.
  
  Gary Hicks
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  buckapple 16 years ago
  
  Hello,
  
  I agree with AnarchyAds, to me it was your hero shot more than the headline. After I read your headline the couple looked like they were happy they had a problem. And that could be screaming, get ready for sales pitch. By that I mean I would use someone like in a meditative state with headphones on or something like that and then if you rotate pics like the other person said would be the ticket.
  
  I thought you're headline was working.
  
  just my 2 cents.
  
  Gary
  
  Thanks
  
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Nice copy, pity about the headline...

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