Constructive criticism please?

23 replies
Hi everyone

Ive created a new sales page and I would really appreciate some feedback.

When sent to my list the conversion was about 20%.

Now I've launched a PPC campaign, it hasnt converted yet although the average time on the page is over 5 mins. I think maybe people are reading the start and therefore the title and initial copy is good however my call to action is weak.
About 30% are clicking the link at the end.. maybe Im not building enough trust?

Anyway would really appreciate some feedback. Have just realised I cant put the link in as I've not posted enough yet.
Happy to email the link

Thanks
#constructive #criticism
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    You won't get much action here without putting up a link. You can't put it in a post yet but you can create a signature file and put it there. I'd suggest you try that. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author lgreally
    Thanks Andrew n TravlinGuy re the link!!

    Thanks Tim for your post. To answer you:

    Show plenty of testimonials... 4 there
    Money back guarantee?... yes
    A brief video?... good point, definitely on the todo list now
    Give something away for free?... do this on another page and we are using the free newsletter to upgrade people. However would like to get the sales page converting itself. I know we can do it, just stuck..

    Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
    The copy seems decent enough but your target market will have seem similar dozens of times before.

    You need to come up with a strong USP (unique selling proposition) and base your promotion around that. I've just scrolled down to the first blue box and I think the first bullet's intriguing enough, you might be able to use an emotional/psychological angle.

    I'd get a more credible source for your 98% figure.

    Typo in your fourth from bottom bullet.

    There's a disconnect in your red subhead, it goes from talking about having a system to simple techniques in the actual copy.

    Seeing as your product's called HappyBod I'd seriously consider the emotional angle.

    Your next set of bullets could be spaced a little better. And they're not as well written as the first lot, they need a thorough proof-reading.

    It's been created by the best in the fields of... The best what??? And who??? Unless you back every claim up with proof, your prospects will be very skeptical.

    I'm being picky now, but none of the six questions are actual questions.

    You've referred to 'we' a few times so who are 'we', why should I buy a diet product off you?

    I'd reprice to US dollars. They'll be your biggest market but they won't like paying in non-US currency as they won't be sure how much they're actually paying.

    You're giving nearly $2000 of free stuff away with a $47 product? Provide better proof that your bonuses are worth what you claim. Contemplate dropping the quotes and giving lifetime updates.

    To sum up, you really need to push why your product's different and why you're the person to buy from. Everything else should be relatively simple.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author lgreally
    Wow Andrew, thank you for taking the time to review it so well and write the feedback.
    I will implement the changes over the weekend and post the result.

    I really appreciate you help!! Thanks again
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    • Profile picture of the author Benjamin Johnson
      A few things I'd recommend:

      Most prospects in the weight-loss market have been exposed to a huge number of offers with benefit-laden headlines and result-focused claims (lose xx pounds in xx days). The upshot is that unless prospects have some pre-existing relationship with you, a sales message that relies on a "big promise" (even if very well done) is not going to grab attention easily, even though a similar ad in another market might be a blockbuster success.

      This alone, I think, would go along way toward explaining why your offer was converting at 20% to your list but not at all to "cold" PPC traffic -- the things that are selling your e-mail list customers are not necessarily even in the letter, since people on your list have been "pre-sold" by the information they already have about you and the built-up trust stemming from that prior engagement. With a list, you can often get away with making familiar-sounding promises, since your relationship with your readers gives them enough reason to set you apart from the pack.

      In order to replicate that success with cold prospects, there are two things you may want to consider including in your ad in order to improve your PPC traffic conversions:
      1. Story copy -- establish who you are and how/why you can emphathize and identify with the prospect. Statements like "we know how you feel" won't cut it on their own.
      2. An advertorial approach -- there's a truism that you should "make your advertising itself valuable," and that applies particularly in highly saturated markets like weight loss. Rather than leading with a headline that immediately announces a "system" for sale, you might try going with the kind of benefit-free (but attention-grabbing) "advertorial" headlines top direct mailers have been using to tackle the weight loss market in recent years. Here are just a couple of examples from top direct-mail writers Daniel Levis and Carline Anglade-Cole:
      •"You May Be One Diet Away From A Massive Heart Attack!"
      •"Why Anti-Aging Nutrients Don't Work!"

      You might try a similar approach with the emotional/psychological theme Andrew Gould suggested above -- for example,
      "The Easily Switched-Off 'Mental Blocks' That Keep You Fat...
      And the Diet Industry Will Never Tell You About!"


      Using this type of headline and following up with useful information and story copy before pitching a solution for sale can help you stand apart in this market and get the prospect reading with out setting off their "I'm being sold something" radar.


      Video could also serve you well in this market, though you would want to test. Highly competitive, saturated niches like this one reward testing a variety of formats: text-only long copy; long copy broken up into several pages; long copy with a short embedded video; or a video-only page with zero text or just a headline a few bullets.

      Consider reaching further with your guarantee, as well -- experiment increasing the length of the guarantee to, say 6 months or a year, or even a lifetime guarantee. This might sound dangerous, but the fact is longer guarantees don't increase refunds, and often actually bring them down. In a market in which nearly every product comes with a guarantee, finding a way to make yours unique will pay dividends. You might also want to consider offering prospects a low-cost trial of the product for, say, 3 days (or even as little as 24 hours), after which they will be billed the rest. Anything you can do to reverse risk in the buyer's mind will pay off here.
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      • Profile picture of the author lgreally
        Thanks Benjamin!
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  • Profile picture of the author Ronak Shah
    Let me tell you that Andrew Gould is a great guy.

    He's helped me like anything. I must say he's a very helpful & open minded person.

    He takes pains to critique & makes me feel proud of him.

    Thanks Andrew for being such a wonderful person.
    Signature
    I AM YOUR Direct Response Ninja Kick-Ass Sales Copywriter.

    Now, Here's The REAL DEAL:
    Either I make YOU at least 10 times of what I charge YOU OR
    I'll Write YOUR Sales Copy AGAIN Till YOU Make MUCH MORE Than THAT. Guaranteed*.
    *Terms & Conditions Apply. Email me at ronak[at]ronakshah[dot]name right now.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zero
    You need a stronger pre-headline...something which is more attention grabbing like
    Revealed: the secret of lasting weight loss...the diet industry does NOT want you to know.....

    Something along those lines..and then lead into ur headline.
    And maybe capitalize Keep it off.

    For the intro start with something like
    From the desk of: Insert name
    Date:
    Location:
    Or at the very least just name & date. It looks better.

    Do you really need to highlight those bits of text in yellow? I think there is a bit too much yellow in that copy for my liking. Maybe stick to something more easy on the eyes in the commonly asked questions & order form

    I think your bullets need to be jazzed up a bit. Need to be more exciting.

    Like for your 1st bullet perhaps something like this:
    • What the Diet industry doesn't want you to know, and the simple weight loss formula that can help you start losing weight instantly
    and another
    • How to experience almost indescribable levels of energy you never dreamed possible
    and another
    • How to eliminate your sugar cravings once and for all and never be at its mercy ever again
    • The effective time management strategies you need to know so that you can always feel in control of your life..reduce your stress and feel fantastic all the time
    Of course they are just examples..which i'm throwing out there to give you ideas. I'm sure you or others can improve on them somehow. Maybe also include the page number on which each of those benefits can be found

    Also, am i the only one who thinks on a few occasions the bullets sound as though are repetitious??? Is it just me or did anyone else notice it?.

    Examples such as :

    To discover the real reasons that hold you back from being your ideal weight so that you can eliminate them once and for all
    &
    How to eliminate bad habits that prevent you losing weight and how to create a great ones that empower you to lose and keep off weight
    These to me say the same thing, that is how to eliminate the reasons/habits that prevent you from achieving your ideal weight.

    A step by step formula to stop comfort eating forever
    &
    How you can feel more joyful, happy and peaceful so you never need to turn to food again
    Both of them seem to me, to be saying the same thing, that is how to stop comfort eating

    And these:
    Techniques to help you can combat stress so you feel less stressed and have peace of mind again
    Simple time management strategies so that you create more time in your life for your health and reduce stress
    Common theme seems to be reducing stress.


    You need a stronger P.S at the end.

    1st should motivate them to take action. Remind them of how this could change their life, help them feel better etc you know that kinda stuff...as well as the consequences for not taking action. Try a bit of pleasure & pain.

    2nd should re-emphasise the guarantee. Remind them of the guarantee you've made and that they've got nothing to loose & that the risk is entirely on you.


    I'm also not sure I'm all that convinced by those testimonials. I'd like to see their full names & a picture of them perhaps...or at least an audio testimonial. It is far more credible.

    Also, if you can, include a star & a story in the copy. Such as how you came up with the system or why you decided to create this product & previous experiences & failures with other programs etc you know that kinda stuff.

    Anyways, thats my 2 cents on the subject. I do hope you'll find something beneficial amongst all that i wrote
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    • Profile picture of the author lgreally
      Thank you so much for your replies.
      I have listened and have updated my page now to improve it...I still need to add video.

      Have a look:

      happybodloseweight.com/report.html

      Thanks
      Louise
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    That looks like a huge improvement, I'm too tired now to offer any real advice again. But from just looking at your headline I'd include the source of the study straightaway, something like 'Study by World Famous Mayo Clinic Proves _____'. You could then consider using a picture of the Clinic too, which also would help your credibility.

    I've given myself a rare day off tomorrow, but if no-one else has given any more feedback I'll do a more in-depth critique for you in the evening.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Zero
    As i stated before, P.S's need to be stronger. I think there is far too much yellow highlighted text Its not really necessary. It doesn't have the same impact if you sue it too much. Loose it on the opening paragraph, and only highlight really important stuff you want to draw attention to.

    But inspite of that It does look alot better.
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    • Profile picture of the author lgreally
      Originally Posted by Zero View Post

      As i stated before, P.S's need to be stronger. I think there is far too much yellow highlighted text Its not really necessary. It doesn't have the same impact if you sue it too much. Loose it on the opening paragraph, and only highlight really important stuff you want to draw attention to.

      But inspite of that It does look alot better.
      wanted to thank you personally Zero!
      Cheers
      Louise
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  • Profile picture of the author lgreally
    Thanks everyone, will work on these today.

    Andrew hope you enjoyed your day off!
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  • Profile picture of the author lgreally
    Hi all,
    I've taken the majority of your comments and applied them to happybodloseweight.com/report.html
    We will be adding videos at the weekend and will test replacing the 'here's a small taste..' section with one of them.

    Do you think it's getting close now?

    Thanks again, Im blown away by the support here!

    Cheers
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  • Profile picture of the author lgreally
    One more thing someone suggested moving a signup button up above the The Real Reasons Why People Struggle With Weight.. along with the product graphic.

    Im a little confused with the whole informative/ report style page (as I believe this is leaning towards now) vs typical sales in a cold market.
    Would moving the button up make it appear more salesy?

    Im open to testing but would be interested to hear thoughts on this..
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  • Profile picture of the author skorpion
    Alot of great advice here. The first thing that hit me that I didnt see mentioned here (I Skimmed) is that you are missing a header image. I think it looks too "low rent" without a header image. A nicely designed header image would polish things off and make it look professionally done...

    Im not a pro copywriter....just stating what stood out to me!
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    • Profile picture of the author lgreally
      Originally Posted by skorpion View Post

      Alot of great advice here. The first thing that hit me that I didnt see mentioned here (I Skimmed) is that you are missing a header image. I think it looks too "low rent" without a header image. A nicely designed header image would polish things off and make it look professionally done...

      Im not a pro copywriter....just stating what stood out to me!
      Thanks Skorpion

      By header image, do you mean create an image file for the heading text, ie replace

      "PROOF - Diets, Fat Loss Pills & Constant Exercising
      Do Not Work Long Term: It's Your Emotions That Cause Weight Gain!.."

      with an image of this text?


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  • Profile picture of the author rjaf
    I'd go for:

    Fact: Only 1 In 50 People Keep Off The Weight They Lose!
    And You Can Be that Person!!!

    I have heard/read that putting stats, especially percentages, confuses some folk. Really!

    The first bullets - I suggest:
    Before Starting Any Weight Loss Plan, Here's What You NEED To Know:

    Over-eating is probably NOT YOUR FAULT! 75% of overeating is caused by your emotional state!

    You CAN Learn to control your emotions and SAY GOODBYE to overeating!

    You CAN overcome the usual weight loss obstacles ... easily!

    You CAN BREAK the constant craving cycle!

    Dieting is the road to failure! You CAN shed that weight WITHOUT dieting!!!

    You CAN smash the negative weight loss mindset that we are ALL taught!!

    You CAN create healthy habits and replace ones that cause weight gain for life WITHIN 21 DAYS!!!

    You CAN boost your energy TODAY in a few SIMPLE steps!!

    You CAN boost your weight loss simply, naturally and FREE!!!

    You CAN minimise your risk of many diseases!!!
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    • Profile picture of the author lgreally
      Originally Posted by rjaf View Post

      I'd go for:

      Fact: Only 1 In 50 People Keep Off The Weight They Lose!
      And You Can Be that Person!!!

      I have heard/read that putting stats, especially percentages, confuses some folk. Really!

      The first bullets - I suggest:
      Before Starting Any Weight Loss Plan, Here's What You NEED To Know:

      Over-eating is probably NOT YOUR FAULT! 75% of overeating is caused by your emotional state!

      You CAN Learn to control your emotions and SAY GOODBYE to overeating!

      You CAN overcome the usual weight loss obstacles ... easily!

      You CAN BREAK the constant craving cycle!

      Dieting is the road to failure! You CAN shed that weight WITHOUT dieting!!!

      You CAN smash the negative weight loss mindset that we are ALL taught!!

      You CAN create healthy habits and replace ones that cause weight gain for life WITHIN 21 DAYS!!!

      You CAN boost your energy TODAY in a few SIMPLE steps!!

      You CAN boost your weight loss simply, naturally and FREE!!!

      You CAN minimise your risk of many diseases!!!
      Thanks appreciate the examples!!
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    I had a great day off, thanks for asking.

    Regarding a slick header graphic, I wouldn't make it a priority. Testing across all sorts of markets has shown that they're more likely to reduce sales. If you want to add more graphics to the page I'd suggest before and after photos.

    You definitely want statistics and percentages on your page, having specifics boosts credibility, especially when they're taken from an already trusted source.

    To repeat what Zero said, you want to strengthen your P.S section and minimize the highlighted/bold/italic/etc text. After reading the headline a substantial proportion of your readers will immediately scroll down to the bottom of your page, so you want a good P.S. section waiting for them. The danger of using too many text effects is that the reader starts to focus on the actual words rather than the benefits you're conveying with them.

    Reading through your sales letter I noticed your guide claims to be interactive rather than just a plain ebook. You really need to make more of that.

    I can't see why I should buy from YOU.

    I'm still not sure what I'm getting, I know it's an interactive guide, your bullets let me know a little about what's in it. But I'm not sure what the core aim of it actually is. You need to clearly and repeatedly state what it is and what it will do (teach you how to keep your emotions regarding food in check, I assume).

    Possibly finish you bullet list with something like 'And there's more'.

    Justify the values you're placing on your premiums.

    Give something away in your letter. Reveal an effective and easy technique to show that you do know what you're talking about.

    You can get a free 'handwritten' signature here:

    Free Handwriting Font Demos - Cursive Handwriting Message Generator - vLetter.com

    To see what's currently working in your market have a look at some of the top converting sales pages here:

    ClickBank Search

    Hope some of this helps.
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    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author lgreally
      Thanks Andrew for all the tips, I'll look through the clickbank pages and apply what you've said.
      Regarding 'I can't see why I should buy from YOU.'
      Im a little stuck here, obviously putting the photo and what we do under it isn't cutting it.
      What do you suggest to build credibility, a story about us near the beginning or building more on the section where we talk about everything we've tried that didn't work?

      Cheers
      Louise
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by lgreally View Post

        Thanks Andrew for all the tips, I'll look through the clickbank pages and apply what you've said.
        Regarding 'I can't see why I should buy from YOU.'
        Im a little stuck here, obviously putting the photo and what we do under it isn't cutting it.
        What do you suggest to build credibility, a story about us near the beginning or building more on the section where we talk about everything we've tried that didn't work?
        As well as credibility it's also trust that you're trying to build. You want to make sure the reader's aware that there's a real person behind the letter.

        I Googled your name and quickly discovered you've already written the necessary copy:


        Louise Greally Coaching Special Offer Read On

        The 'My name is...' section is a perfect template to swipe for your sales letter. Condense it down to a couple of paragraphs and make it more relevant to the weight loss market and it should be fine. Focus on what you've achieved and, more importantly, what you've helped others achieve. And include some info on Kathryn too. I'd also flip the photo on the page so it looks more like you're both facing the copy.
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        Andrew Gould

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