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HELP! This is a Copywriting Critique 911. :-)

by mrfixituk
4 replies
I've been in marketing online for a while and have always wanted to make money, but so far have made little. I put a site together to retail a product and tried to use the "formula" for copywriting after purchasing Marlon Sanders Push Button Letters ages ago. But feel it's easier said than done. I have A LOT to learn...

Any pointers in the right direction would really help :-)

Thanks

My sites:

$7 report - How to Lower High Blood Pressure Fast!

Cardio Cocktail L-Arginine Formor - Heart Disease, Stroke, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol
#911 #copywriting #critique
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Your first site starts with this glaring typo - Worried about the cost and side effects of pescription drugs for high blood pressure?

    The second has this misspelling in the headline - "Noble Prize" should read "Nobel Prize".
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    I've got to make this quick, my dinner's nearly ready:

    Why should I trust you and your $7 report to lower my blood pressure? Where's your credibility? At least feature your testimonials a bit more prominently.

    Are gurus the right people to attack in this market?

    The second line after 'Dear friend' doesn't make sense.

    For your second site:

    I'm sure those doctors are very noble and have indeed probably won a prize or two. But did you mean the Nobel prize?

    What's the primary purpose of the page, squeeze or sales? Try going for one or the other.

    Some of your sentences are very sloppy and need clarifying and tightening.

    Your satisfied users appear to be the doctors that you're pushing as the experts behind the product. If not then this needs clarifying.

    Hope some of this helps and I'm sure someone else'll be along to offer more advice soon.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
    My very quick 2 cents...

    $7 Report:

    The look and feel of the $7 report kills your credibility no matter what your words say.

    Your title tag needs to be a mini-sales message, not "$7 report."

    Cardio Page:

    Your Cardio page needs to look like an article (think advertorial) not a sales page. I might look at putting it into a wordpress theme so it looks like a blog (yes, I said it--I know I may end up crucified) with mock google ad groups linking to a short sales page.
    Signature
    The Miracle Squeeze Page: Scientifically Proven to Convert 84.1% of Visitors into Subscribers

    Works for Anybody, Any niche - It's so simple you'll wonder why everyone isn't using it
    Click Here Now to Download It!
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  • Profile picture of the author Zero
    For the 2nd link:
    Is it wise to have an opt-in form right above the Order link? Wouldn't that be a bit of a distraction?

    For your intro..there is a mistake in the very 1st line:

    If want to help avoid the fightening event of a heart attack
    if want to help avoid the fightening event of a heart attack or stroke, have high blood pressure or poor circulation, tired of always feeling slow and sluggish, then I share the awareness of how much of an improvement in your cardiovascular health can mean to you. That's why I'm writing this letter.


    Intro could be alot better. Something like this for example:

    If you want to avoid the frigtening event of a heart attack or stroke and you suffer from high blood pressure & poor circulation then this will be the most important message you'll ever read.

    Here's why:

    Something like that but only more polished up so it sounds better.


    For you 1st link:

    Your headline should follow up on the pre-headline like this

    "How to lower your blood pressure in /7 easy steps? ....without the need for prescription drugs" something like that
    or
    How to lower or eliminate your blood pressure permenantly in 7 days, without the need for prescription drugs'

    somethin like that anyway. Play around with it..improve on it...see what works best.




    layout needs to look better
    Do it like this
    Picture:
    From:
    Date:
    Location:

    Intro:


    Do you suffer from high blood pressure, or are you living with or someone that does?
    You do? Well since that is the case, then this is going to be the most crucially important message you'll ever read.

    Here's why:

    I am (with your permission) going to send you a a breakthrough 28 page report which in easy step-by-step instructions will show you how to dramatically lower your blood pressure in 7 easy steps entitled:

    <Insert Product Name>

    But before i tell you how to get a hold of that amazing report....

    Something like that anyway.

    In your P.S, you gotta motivate them to buy ur report. Let them know of the consequences of not getting ur report...the risks of having higher blood pressure i.e stroke, heart attack and the impact that'll have on the person and their loved ones.

    For a stroke it'd be being bed ridden, brain damage...having to be taken care of for the rest of ur life by others. Heart attack could result in death etc

    I know someone that suffered the full effect of a stroke..his speech was badly affected, he spent the rest of his life in a care home being taken care of by others...It was really up-setting.
    You should really push their pain buttons....it could really motivate them to get ur report.

    You could include that in ur copy and summarise in the P.S

    I hope you find something useful u can use to improve ur copy.
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