Alright - My Turn to Ask for Review -

Hi Dan,

Your design is far too wide, to increase readability get your line length down to 60-65 characters.

The formatting above the fold is all over the place in Firefox.

'You cannot enjoy being wealthy' What if the reader isn't? This is a bit of a steep qualifier.

Your 'us vs. them' angle is a good idea but the execution is a little lacking. Who are you??? Why should I believe what you're telling me? Where's your credibility?

And where does the fat loss thing suddenly come from?

Before you do anything else, sort your formatting and let the reader know who you are and why they can trust you. And start writing out headline ideas.

I'm going to have to download firefox to see what you are talking about. In IE the formatting doesn't seem bad.

I'll try to think of another catchy headline... because I agree - the pre-qualifier is a little steep.

Fat loss ... it's definitely part of being healthy... being that 2/3 of America is ... well... over-weight... it's a big epidemic for sure.

And I'll see about including some credibility for this ad copy as well.

Off to download firefox!!
Thanks Andrew!!
Dan

[EDIT]
Just downloaded mozilla firefox... my page looks identically the same as it does in Internet Explorer.

So not sure what you mean by 'formatting' ...

It's possible that I have a different monitor type than you do... my monitor is pretty wide... I'll have to check it out on my friends computer who's monitor is much less wide than mine. She also has AOL browser as well... which is hella skinny! LOL!!

Your advice is much appreciated!![/EDIT]

No need to download Firefox just use:

https://browsershots.org/

I understand fat loss is a health issue. It just seems to come out of the blue in your sales page, weight loss is normally its own sub-niche.

Are your prospects worried about losing weight? It seems that you're covering more than enough stuff without trying to compete in that arena.

I would suggest making your website much smaller in terms of width. Also add bullet points.. a bit about yourself.. testimonials.. anything and everything to make readers believe that what your selling them is legitimate.

I hear ya about throwin in the weightloss from what seems to be out of "left field" ... I'll consider that as well. Thank you again for everything... especially about the browsershots.org!! That's excellent!!

[EDIT] Oh... that's easy to fix... thanks for your input again on what you meant by 'formatting'![/EDIT]

Thank you too "TheKeys" !!

It's not a problem to cut the width of the sales copy down... like said above my monitor is really wide all on it's own... so that probably has to do with how I create my pages... I'm working on that as I type ... and have saved it much less wide now... and changed the background color as much more of it shows now.

I'm also going to test another page out without any background color... and see how that looks.

I'm sure you'll receive plenty more feedback so I'll just give you a last bit of advice:

Increase your margin, don't have your text so close to the edge of the white box.

And the way you're writing in your posts is more like how you want your sales copy to read. Make it fast and flowing, give the reader an easy ride to your Paypal button.

Width of page = Hopefully Resolved - please let me know someone!

Margin Increase = Check!

Attempting to create credibility and Believability (LOL - Is that a Word???) = Check!

Bullet Points = were already there - just lower in the page = Check!

If my execution was only a "little" lacking... that's NOT BAD coming from the Copy Warrior - Thanks Partner!!

Testimonials = ouch = don't have any testimonials but my own as of yet... I haven't even sold 1 copy yet - Just got sales page up a few hours ago - LOL!!

However... I will send the Report to a few people I know and get their honest reviews and hopefully they are Good - and I can post em up on this page!!

Keep the feedback coming my way!!
Thank You!!
Dan

I'm sorry, but this is a terrible hook. Prevention doesn't sell. Problem solving does. When do you look for a alarm system? When you or your neighbor got robbed.

Now, supposing I am wrong, which, as my gf reminds me all the time, is very often, lets look at the letter itself.

Offer
What is it you offer to solve? What result are the people looking to buy? Solve Cardiac Problems? Take charge of your Life? Perpetual Healthness? Is there any guarantee?
As I read, I was not clear on the problem you wanted to solve. Having better health is too vague.

Proof
Any testimonial, or quote from doctors saying you should take your health in charge?

Scarcity
... Crossing numbers without any intention of taking them out isn't really scarcity...
The WSOs are doing a good job, having price increase. Maybe try to put a " raise the price .10$ at each purchase.

I'm afraid it's back to the drawing board for you buddy...

It seems like you have a lot to tell - but not a whole lot to sell. That's Job #1 - what's your offer? I just see a "List of Stuff" which is too vague to get action from the reader.

Other things to consider:
1. Your headline needs to be specific, compelling, and provoke the reader to move on to the next sentence. Your headline doesn't do this. In a second, somebody will pop in here and give you a great headline....(if they don't just ask for one).
2. Your opening paragraph doesn't capture my attention and pull me down the page. I need an if/then statement, story, or a combination of both.
3. Go to Bullet-Writing School. Your benefits bullets are weak man. This is your opportunity to get your reader excited about what they'll discover. Your bullets are just plain-jane lists not the heart-thumpers they need to be.
4. Lose the pictures for now. Focus on showing the reader what they will get without distracting them. I usually add pictures (if forced) at the end.
5. Subheadlines: You are making statements instead of provoking the reader to dive back into the copy. Remember subheadlines help break-up your copy AND catch skimmers.
6. This here: "Now That I've Weeded Out Those Who Don't Want to Know" is a cheap shot and not needed. You just make yourself sound like a goofball. Your copy is supposed to sell to not be a smart-a** test... (and if I sound saucy - imagine what you reader is feeling)
7. Get professional graphic image of your report. People will need to see what they are buying
8. Get a guarantee.
9. That price point is funky. If you are down this low - start at $7 and work your way up the 7 ladder (i.e. 17, 27, 47, etc.)

I have the feeling you have a good product. Your copy just isn't making it happen.

Stan

The first thing that jumps to my attention is your headline

You Cannot Enjoy Living Life

Unless You Are Healthy!

First let me tell you that using negation in your headlines is a big NO NO, the word NO is exactly what occupies 99.9999..% of a person's brain as soon as you put her/him in the position of potential buyer. When you as a seller mention the word NO to a potential buyer you just filled up the remaining 0.1% of his/her brain which was somehow still curious about what you have to offer/say. in your case, a much better headline would be:

Yes! You Can Enjoy Your Life, And Be Healthier Than You Ever Imagined!

Thank you everyone for your valuable insights!
That is exactly what I was looking for.

I have made some pretty major changes to my ad copy... Anyone looking at my site now reads a totally different angle. (if you'd like to critique the new angle please do so!)

I took out the picture in the bullet point table... so I could write better bullet points.

I will probably make quite a few different ad copies... I understand the best one is not going to be my first ad copy! Which is what you saw here today. I am sure I will fail writing a GOOD ad copy many times before I get better at it, because obviously I am a non-copywriter. But failure is not an option for me!

My product is an educational book about a lot of "sub-niches" put into one ... I understand I could probably write an entire book on each "Bullet Point Chapter"

And maybe in the future that will be one of my goals ... I'd really like to do that... as this is a subject I am passionate about.

I lost my father to melanoma cancer after he allowed the docs to pump him full of chemo and radiation back in 2004... back then... I did not have the knowledge I do today on the subject of cancer and how to reverse or prevent it. (it's not as difficult as you might think.)

Sir Moolah_Copywriting ... I would like to send you a copy of my book... all you have to do is PM me with your email address... and I'll send you a copy right away... Thank You, for stating your feeling that I have a good product.... when nobody else did.

Sir The Graduate ... I would like to send you a copy of my book... all you have to do is PM me with your email address... and I'll send you a copy right away... Thank You, for volunteering to help me come up with a better headline.

Just a few (nothing to think about) facts for everyone...

68% of all pharmaceutical prescription and nonprescription drugs are consumed by Americans.

This totals approximately 24,000,000 pills every 60 minutes of every day.

The leading cause of death in America is the side-effects from pharmaceuticals.

You may not care... but those people who are being murdered with those drugs sure do.

I think people do think about "the root cause of all disease" ...

They just don't think about it while they are healthy.

My goal is to inform and help educate people about prevention of disease/cancer/illness ... IN ADVANCE... and what they can do instead of cutting/burning/poisoning themselves by doctors orders.

And I am working on gathering "Testimonials" from some of the top "MD's turned ND's" as I have already sent a few of them a copy of my book ...

I am waiting for their replies with "testimonials" ... that I can publish on my site with links to their websites.

I will also try to develope a good cover design ...

Thank you again everyone for all your advise and critique!!

Hi bf68!
Thank you for your reply here...

With your suggestions, and others, I have been workin on my sales copy. I will be buying a new domain name for this project also.

Even if my book... helps 1 single person... it is Worth It!!

Sir BF68 ... I would also like to thank you by sending you a copy of my book as well... If you are interested just PM me with your email address and I'll send you a copy right away.

Thanks again everyone for your help!!
Your friend in health,
Dan