Copywriters Can You Review My Sales Page?(Traffic Generating Membership)

Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

I guess it is pretty good as nobody has anything bad to say

Yippeeee...

Dennis

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ecoverartist 16 years ago
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Sherice Jacob - Conversion Expert & Copywriter
BIG BRAND Copywriting WSO! 6+ Years Running!
101 Blog Writing Prompts for Your Business
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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

Hello Sherice,

Good job

I was wondering on a couple of things though, did I mess up the flow by adding in the video bonus'?

Should I leave it or lose it?

Also, I am thinking of letting 200 members in at the "intro offer" then upping the price to $67.00 per month anyway we can add that to really create urgency and get people ordering?

Dennis

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Loren Woirhaye

16 years ago

The letter is well-written certainly. The language is
direct and enthusiastic yet the claims seem authentic
and grounded in reality.

I'm bewildered by the incessant use of 1st person voice
though. There is a great deal of me-ism here and not
enough you-ism.

There is a lot of talk of features here - technical stuff -
while the reader will have to extrapolate what the benefits
are.

Almost halfway through the letter I find what to me is
the clearest thing to a benefit statement here:

..."will Propel Your Business into Accelerating Profits
This Year & For Years To Come!" - which makes assumptions
about the reader having a business but at least it is focused
on his interests and not your accomplishments.

in your testimonial Jason opens with a falsehood:
"Everyone knows the way to dominate Google is (95%)
by getting relevant incoming one-way links and raising
your PageRank." - it would be more correct to say
that experienced online marketers know or believe
this.

Here you've excluded everyone who doesn't yet understand
the jargon of the SEO industry.

I hope this helps. It's a good letter - just too technical IMO,
and while excluding people with technical stuff can create
a feeling of exclusivity or elitism I don't think that is what
you are after here.

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zapseo

16 years ago

Sorry, handling a few emergencies (yes, more than 1, sigh) at the moment.
(Not of my making...)

This part would not be something I use...

From the Overworked Computer of Dennis Cheesman

I say "overworked" because my computer has been working non-stop since I perfected the Number One Traffic Generation Technique just a few months ago.

There is nowhere, noway, nohow that I'm gonna used the word "overworked" in referring to anything about me or my product or anything I own.

This has to do with setting up associations. Our associations are not precise. You could say that they "smear", that is, they have a halo effect.

(Speaking of which -- what association comes up for you when I use "nowhere, noway, nohow"?)

Further -- you want people to put people in the most excited, most enthusiastic, most happy, etc., state possible when thinking of ANYthing about your product.

I read the word "overworked" -- i don't care what it's referring to, and I immediately feel the energy flow out of me. I don't even want to READ that word. (Unless you're asking if I'm overworked and you are going to give me relief.)

Others may differ -- but I'm very sensitive about using any word with a negative connotation, no matter what it's actually referring TO. But especially if you think of the word in a "fill in the blank" way ...
if I say "overworked __________" what are the associations that you come up with? Most often, it's going to be of a PERSON not a computer.
So, you are already working at cross purposes. Like it or not, that association the person has will be invoked either consciously or unconsciously (most likely the latter).

So you are trying to use a concept with powerful negative associations and attempt to work a contrasting concept. IOW, you are fighting the associations that most people are going to have. Don't do that! You want to flow with the associations that people ALREADY have.

Okay, I'm typing this up in a fast few minutes so I'm not re-reading to make sure everything makes sense.

Let me know.

Live JoyFully!

Judy

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

What if we added somethig like this after that? The bolded part?

From the Overworked Computer of Dennis Cheesman

I say "overworked" because my computer has been working non-stop since I perfected the Number One Traffic Generation Technique just a few months ago.

See I have been working hard so YOU don't have to... And now, I'm ready to unleash this traffic avalanche on the Internet Marketing world.

Or what about this:

From the Smoking Computer of Dennis Cheesman

I say "smoking" because my computer has been working non-stop since I perfected the Number One Traffic Generation Technique just a few months ago.

See I have been working hard so YOU don't have to... And now, I'm ready to unleash this traffic avalanche on the Internet Marketing world.

I'm no copywriter so just throwing out something

Dennis

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

I better leave things alone or I will bomb it

If I start trying to make changes I will mess it up bad

Dennis

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Kevin Rogers

16 years ago

Hey Dennis and Sherice,

Nice work, I think you'll do fine. Not sure how much time you have to tweak things, but it wouldn't hurt to "up the stakes" a bit in your copy. (something Vin Montello had to pound into me at first).

Before that though, I think your prehead is off-putting: Attention Internet Marketers! STOP Drooling at Every Single Marketing "Carrot" that's Dangled in Front of You and...

Since Dennis is playing the anti-hero role in the letter, I would start out with a more "on your side" approach that highlights a benefit. (I'd give an example if my daughter wasn't climbing my leg right now) OR turn the sarcasm back to the enemy (those dangling the carots).

Next I think you need more selling between the first and second subheads after the greeting...

This is the part of the letter that's going to convince the reader that you've gone through trouble solving their problem. That second subhead: (I've Done All the Work For You in Finding Out Exactly What Works - And Then Automating It!) should be the result of everythng that currently comes after it. The 12 hour days, etc.

But, even then there needs to be more story arc. The conclusion: (And let me tell you, did they ever work!) demands some proof. The reader needs to see the result of your 12 hour days - and how they'll benefit him, or else it feels like he's risking a lot of work for no promise of results.

Frankly I would lose the mention of the day job, too. Most of your prospects are dying to get out of their day jobs, the fact that you haven't done it yet makes you less of an authority in their minds.

OK, gotta go.

Hope that helped (and not hurt.)

Best of luck with your launch!
Kevin

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zapseo

16 years ago

Kevin -- can you expound on this statement: ?

Nice work, I think you'll do fine. Not sure how much time you have to tweak things, but it wouldn't hurt to "up the stakes" a bit in your copy. (something Vin Montello had to pound into me at first).

Must be the daughter climbing on your leg that got that part ether left out or the connnection not made.

And I'll salivate for any of Vin's tips.

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Kevin Rogers

16 years ago

Originally Posted by zapseo

Kevin -- can you expound on this statement: ?

Must be the daughter climbing on your leg that got that part ether left out or the connnection not made.

And I'll salivate for any of Vin's tips.

You're right Judy, I didn't quite to get to that part as I intended. (not only was it dinner time, but I know they aren't looking to rewrite this whole letter, so I thought it best to stop. But since you asked...)

What I was heading for with "upping the stakes" was lines like this:

Who Really Has Time to Do All That?!

"Who really has time" is a pretty soft tone. Feels more like a Hamburger Helper commercial than a direct response letter.

The thing I once struggled with, and that Vin beat out of me, was a tendency to slip into passive tones. They just don't work in IM (or any writing for that matter). To break through you've got to be very direct. And subheads inparticular have to be worthy of their bold type.

So, upping the stakes on a line like "Who really has time" would be...

That's A HUGE Waste Of Your Time And Money!

Still nothing special, but now there's some emotion. It's something to avoid.

Better?

BTW: I believe Vin still offers mentoring on a limited basis. Worth any price if you can get in.

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DNATruth

16 years ago

I write articles and find your idea intriguing, Although I agree with another response that said too much me-ism, I did not quite believe that it could work for me.

I am aware that articles are a good way to boost rankings but on a limited budget time management has to work for me and of course discipline.

I wish you the best of success with your launch as well.

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AnarchyAds

Banned 16 years ago

[DELETED]

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

Hello Kevin,

Who Really Has Time to Do All That?!

To this:

That's A HUGE Waste Of Your Time And Money!

The only thing is, wouldn't adding:

That's A HUGE Waste Of Your Time And Money!

Make people think that all I just said "The Truth about Which Internet Marketing Tips Work!" would be a HUGE waste of time to do?

I mean this is what my system is about it is what it does for the member.

Dennis

Originally Posted by Kevin Rogers

You're right Judy, I didn't quite to get to that part as I intended. (not only was it dinner time, but I know they aren't looking to rewrite this whole letter, so I thought it best to stop. But since you asked...)

What I was heading for with "upping the stakes" was lines like this:

Who Really Has Time to Do All That?!

"Who really has time" is a pretty soft tone. Feels more like a Hamburger Helper commercial than a direct response letter.

The thing I once struggled with, and that Vin beat out of me, was a tendency to slip into passive tones. They just don't work in IM (or any writing for that matter). To break through you've got to be very direct. And subheads inparticular have to be worthy of their bold type.

So, upping the stakes on a line like "Who really has time" would be...

That's A HUGE Waste Of Your Time And Money!

Still nothing special, but now there's some emotion. It's something to avoid.

Better?

BTW: I believe Vin still offers mentoring on a limited basis. Worth any price if you can get in.

Thanks
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Kevin Rogers

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Dennis Cheesman

Hello Kevin,

Who Really Has Time to Do All That?!

To this:

That's A HUGE Waste Of Your Time And Money!

The only thing is, wouldn't adding:

That's A HUGE Waste Of Your Time And Money!

Make people think that all I just said "The Truth about Which Internet Marketing Tips Work!" would be a HUGE waste of time to do?

I mean this is what my system is about it is what it does for the member.

Dennis

To be honest, Dennis, I didn't have the time to look at it that closely. When Judy pushed on what I meant by "upping the stakes" I grabbed that subhead at random to give her an example.

Probably best to ignore everything after my first post. (which actually had better points you have not addressed... Like the prehead and the 1st and 2nd subhead.)

This is the problem with asking for a community critique - it gets difficult to decipher the valid points from the side chats.

However some really good feedback here from people who would be prospects. If they're feeling a disconnect for lack of proof, that's far more important than semantics right now.

Again, best of luck with it.

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

Ok, I made a few changes and added a little more at the top please let me know what you think:

The old is here:
First Draft!

The changed is here:
Second Draft!

Please let me know what you think now..

Dennis

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SwanCoach

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Dennis Cheesman

Ok, I made a few changes and added a little more at the top please let me know what you think:

The old is here:
First Draft!

The changed is here:
Second Draft!

Please let me know what you think now..

Dennis

I've bought numerous products online because a compelling headline drew me in. By the time I got to your second paragraph I quit reading.

Tell me, in 3 sentences or less, exactly how your proven system will transform my life. Make me believe I can achieve:

Targeted Traffic
One Way Links
Solid Authority

Simplify my life, save me time, save me money! In 3 sentences. Then prove it to me with your personal story.

Your Customer: I've spent a fortune on products. I'm bombarded with everyone promising me a system that works. I can't afford to waste time or money taking the chance that your system will actually work. Prove to me I won't be making a mistake by trusting you.

Picture your ideal customer sitting on a chair directly across from you dying to know how to make his online business work. You've been there. I want to trust you, but I've turned cynic.

You say you have profited by your system, but don't give me facts. If you went from 0 to $500 tell me. 0-$1000 a month? Tell me. If you don't convince me? You go hungry.

If in your gut you know your system works, it will be easy to convince me. Don't sound like everyone else. Be real. Be you.

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ecoverartist

16 years ago

Hey guys,

Just thought I'd chime in here with a great big THANK YOU for your constructive feedback! Dennis, if you have any kind of proof (stats, graphs, charts, etc) from the work you've done, that would help me tremendously in expounding the values of the system.

Thanks

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BIG BRAND Copywriting WSO! 6+ Years Running!
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Yourup

16 years ago

"The truth is, I've spent the last six months pulling 12-hour days (that's in addition to a demanding day JOB!), testing, tweaking, watching and waiting to see if all these so called "traffic generation tips" really worked..."

I'm not a copy writer, but when I read this part it didn't convince me very much. If I'm going to get rich with your product, then why do you need that demanding day JOB? I just don't think it's going to convince your prospects.

Also, as mentioned earlier, make an effort to take the me's and I's out.

...just a thought!

Thanks

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

Hello All,

Thanks a lot for all the tips and replies...

I have changed it up a bit to what I think you have suggested:
Second Draft!

I am comparing it to the first draft which is here:
First Draft!

Dennis

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MaskedMarketer 16 years ago

Hey Dennis,

Im checking out your second draft and it looks good! I didn't read it word for word, but can hopefully spark a few ideas for you.

Personally I would add video shots of the same screen shots you have, but thats just me. I would also add "teaser" videos of inside your product/ service.

Think you should get rid of the word cost/order/buy and use investment.

And you can say "How much money and TIME you are going to waste"

Money is time, so you can add that in there possibly.

Also, what about my rebuttals ? After you talk about the investment of the course you could think of every negative reason why someone will not buy and answer every question. Just a thought. Its not a bad idea to bring up negatives/flaws sometimes in your copy.

Overall it looks nice. Good job.
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- Dennis Cheesman 16 years ago
  
  Think you should get rid of the word cost/order/buy and use investment.
  
  Where you talking about?
  
  And you can say "How much money and TIME you are going to waste"
  
  Money is time, so you can add that in there possibly.
  
  That is already in there
  
  "How Much Time And Money Am I
  Going To WASTE By Not Getting The
  Direct, Easy Route To Traffic Building?"
  
  Thanks for the comments..
  
  Dennis
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  MaskedMarketer 16 years ago
  
  [quote=Dennis Cheesman;167549]Where you talking about?
  
  "Order Today and Get Our
  FAST ACTION BONUS - FREE!"
  
  I prefer the word investment as it gives a feeling of a ROI. Buying, order,cost seems like I am losing money (to me). You should try it and see if it makes a difference at all. You have it in other spots of your letter, so I would re-read it and maybe throw that word in there instead.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  "One Man's Ceiling is Another Man's Floor"
  
  "I Pay Less Attention to What Men Say. I Just Watch What They Do."
  
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Yourup

16 years ago

Looks a lot more convincing, Dennis!

Just one more thing I noticed this time round. I'm also a guitarist, have been for almost 30 years, but I don't think the picture in the testimonial fits in with what you're selling. I have the feeling it may distract your prospects. If you were selling a music related product, that picture might be a good idea.

The rest looks pretty good to me.

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

Yes, Jason is getting another photo

Dennis

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

Ok, there has been some changes.. I think it is sounding prettty good

We also took your advice Judy

New Version!!

One thing.. Does the headline do it for you? Does it seem to keep your attention and make want you to know more?

Dennis

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Kevin Rogers 16 years ago

Huge improvement, Dennis. You've doubled the letter's length for all the right reasons.

2 small notes: Add juicier introductions to each of the proof graphics. Put the results in the description - make it bold and exciting. Don't count on people to spend time deciphering the proof, you've got to smack 'em over the head with it.

And... (another Montello nugget) Simple, Quick and Easy is more effective than Fast, Quick and Easy. (the reader's mind will see repetition in "fast" and "quick", but not "simple" and "easy") (there is a test result on this, but I can't remember from where)

Good work.
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Yourup

16 years ago

The headline seems OK to me.

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Dennis Cheesman

16 years ago

Ok... I think I made the changes ya'll suggested

Kevin, I think I did the proof like you was saying?

MaskedMarketer, I think I added the Invest where you said.. I think it does look better

Dennis

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