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Copy Critique Request: WoW Addiction Product (hypnosis)

by mph
11 replies
Hello everyone!

A copywriter I've hired just sent me this letter. I'm having mixed feelings about it, and I'd like to ask you what you think of the copy and overall approach, tone, style, and so on.

World of Warcraft Addiction

Also, if you have any critiques related to particular wordings or phrases, bullet points, I will be more than grateful to hear your comments and critiques.

Thank you very much in advance!
#addiction #copy #critique #hypnosis #product #request #wow
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Consider cutting your headline after the word 'addiction.' If you feel you need more, you might want to add something like ...Addiction With One Simple Session. The sub header is Waaaaaaaay too long.

    Your opening line is a bit dramatic, "You can break the chains of addiction and take your life back..."

    I understand that addiction to games is serious but you need to engage your reader before pulling his pants down. Ask a few questions that he'll relate to first. Stuff like, Do you dream of Wow? Is WoW the most important thing in your life? Would you rather WoW than eat, have sex? Brother, I know how you feel. I've been there...

    That's just off the cuff but you absolutely need to set it up before moving forward with your program. Identify the problem and relate to the folks experiencing it before laying out the fix. Okay, enough. I'll let the others weigh in... I have a date with Wow!
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    • Profile picture of the author aaallday2010
      Sorry, I don't have a critique, but this is a GREAT niche. You should do well with this.

      Good luck!
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      • Profile picture of the author spacebean
        I don't think there is enough 'bang' on the main headline as it matches the background. Consider maybe a yellow?
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        • Profile picture of the author ocmnet
          TravelinGuy makes some great points.

          I would get rid of the "How To" in the headline and start with "Free Youself..."

          No sub heading until you make a few points like TravelinGuy suggests.

          Check your Grammar: "The problem is that that"

          Too much "I": "I want to show you...", "I know what...", "I am going to explain...", "I want to tell you...", "I sought out...", "I came across...", "I managed to..."

          Need easier opportunities to buy. Why should I have to get to the bottom of the page and then get 3 order now buttons? If I got to the bottom, I only need 1. Spread them out in your sales copy in case I am ready earlier.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    The whole thing reads very stilted and staccato like. It feels like it was written by a robot, it has zero natural flow. I think you'll need a complete rewrite.

    Specific feedback:

    Your headline's decent enough, just cut it after 'Addiction'.

    The deck copy really just repeats the headline.

    Get a photo of yourself.

    You either need a stronger lead or to just scrap the first two paragraphs. A definite case of a writer 'clearing his throat'.

    It took me a second to work out what the box and DVD pictures actually were. I'd contemplate changing your product title to make what it is immediately obvious.

    Make more of the doctor, get a photo, play up his qualifications, let the reader get to know him. Maybe even have the whole advert written 'by' him.

    Switch to a sans-serif font.

    Personally when I think about self-hypnosis my major worry would be being able to come out of it. I would mention how safe your product is.

    The bullets strike me more as just a continuation of the body copy, they need to be punchier and more specific.

    Hope some of this helps.

    And remember, when it comes to anything in life, including copy - you buy cheap, you buy twice.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Overall it lacks specificity, I think.

    Agree with Andy too about the robotic tone... like saying "You are not to blame for this" when "It's not your fault!" will do.

    I didn't see any obvious solution here either. Frankly, folk get addicted to games like this because their real life sucks (lacks excitement, adventure etc). Now the letter touched on this, but doesn't really paint the picture.

    It jumps from stop playing WOW to "financial abundance" without filling a necessary gap, I feel.

    If it were me, I'd position this more as a "life-rehab" product...

    Step 1 - Quit playing WOW
    Step 2 - Why you were addicted to WOW
    Step 3 - How to get a girlfriend etc...

    So it's more of a how to turn your life around product than it is a beat WOW addiction product - if that makes sense?

    But WOW addict is your target market, obviously (until Blizzard shut you down).

    Also, talking of "You are not to blame for this", check out the article below:

    --> 5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying to Get You Addicted | Cracked.com

    Pretty sweet, huh?

    No mention of South Koreans dying in your letter either, good secondary appeal I think...

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
      a)Addiction is a dirty word. No one considers himself/herself addicted. They can quit anytime (or at least that's what they think).
      b)I would use something like "Even if your previous attempts to give up before were useless."
      c)The subhead - try to tell him that it's not his fault. In other words ... make it look like he had fallen into a marketing trap, a device made to create addiction and make Blizzard rich.
      d)People play WoW because they can be there what they aren't in the real life. So your hot-points ... better career, great relationships ... are not really what they desire. They only want an escape.

      The rest of the copy looks good (at least by skimming it).

      Razvan Rogoz
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        Colm and Rogoz are on the money.

        How To Make Your Own Life More Exciting Than WoW...

        That's a more benefit-rich angle on this.

        First challenge to overcome: Your letter and your product title assumes people are in acknowledgement of an "addiction". Have you seen Dennis Rodman on Celebrity Rehab on VH1? Not everyone with a problem is willing to fess up to it.

        Plus, the whole graphic angle of the red crosses over WoW... doesn't work. If someone is addicted they might accept a path to a gradual come-down in game playing hours (as burgeoning real-life excitement replaces the rush of gameplay)

        But if they're in the midst of an addiction you're graphically telling them that your solution means "no more" WoW. And most people will reject that.

        This letter demands a more delicate approach... and a more benefit-rich angle.

        --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Know what? I think this page looks way too slick to get someone over their addiction to WoW. To me it has the opposite effect - it makes me want to play. I think it's way too flashy. If you wanted to get over an addiction to marihuana, for instance, would you go to a page with beautiful glass bongs, bags of Skunk, photos of people smoking dope? Don't think so. They would just trigger you back to it. That's what I think this page will do.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Know what? I think this page looks way too slick to get someone over their addiction to WoW. To me it has the opposite effect - it makes me want to play. I think it's way too flashy. If you wanted to get over an addiction to marihuana, for instance, would you go to a page with beautiful glass bongs, bags of Skunk, photos of people smoking dope? Don't think so. They would just trigger you back to it. That's what I think this page will do.
      This is spot on.

      This is probably NOT the place for a long-form sales letter. (Does it really have an EARNINGS DISCLAIMER link at the bottom? My guess is that's an oversight.)

      If I were given this assignment I would probably go with a multi-step quiz then advertorial style. I would use "real world" stories of players who have become addicted, show what it has done to their lives and how much better their lives were AFTER breaking their addiction. I would pull in graphically done headlines and article bites about WoW addiction and sprinkle them throughout the text.
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  • Profile picture of the author fasteasysuccess
    one quick tip i feel would help a lot and not really copy related is get rid of the box that has world of warcraft right on it. If you want people to give up an addiction it's hard if everytime they need relief they look at a picture of the game there addicted to.

    That's kind of like stop smoking cd but the cd is in a cigeratte pack, kind of defeats the purpose of taking mind off addiction.

    I don't even play worlds of warcraft and that salespage makes me want to play it.
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